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| Past Sports from the past week. Past sports article for the week of 7/30/09 Drinking beer makes you a proper sports fan By Cozmic Sports. They can be mildly amusing, or they can be awesome, something any sports fan will tell you. See, watching two teams playing might not be all that entertaining when sober, unless something spectacular happens, but after four or five beers everything becomes much more exciting, mainly because things become sort of blurry, the commentators all of a sudden say the smartest words ever and when you wake up the morning after, that headache you might have will make you feel like you were in the ring at that boxingmatch you watched the previous day. So drinking beer makes you a proper sports fan, happy to yell with the guys at the pub or bar, and celebrate victory, but how much beer makes you a proper sportsfan, and how much simply turns you into an alcoholic? If you are not cheering for your team more than you should, then that is a surefire way to know you are not yet at the proper stage of sportsfanship, and if you can barely sit up straight and have trouble telling just what sport you are watching, then you should probably stick to water and pretzels the rest of the period/round/inning, whichever seems to make some sort of sense to you. Those are obviously the easy rules, but no, it is not simply how much blood you have in your alcohol system that determines whether you count as a true fan or not. Any wuss can drink alcohol, and wine is officially wrong to be drinking while claiming to be a sports fan. No, there is beer, and beer, and nothing but beer to properly count. You sit and scream “foul!” louder than everyone else but do it while drinking a Bacardi Breezer and your status is instantly lost. When watching sports, it is always beer or nothing, possibly with hard liquor as a supplement, along with some form of snacks, so you are as horribly out of shape as possible, in direct contrast to the people you watch playing instead of doing something yourself. Beyond only drinking beer and not getting too drunk are a few other rules, which are, for instance, if you get too drunk on three beers, then it does not count. There is always a four beer minimum, especially if you are drinking bottled beer, as opposed to “beer in giant aluminum can.” Furthermore, if possible you should be drinking straight from the bottle unless the beer you are drinking is genuinely a good beer, in which case glasses are preferred, and you must never take your eyes off the game for more than just long enough to find your beer before drinking. As you can see, what truly makes somebody a proper sports fan is blood to beer-ratio, at a proper time, and consumed in a casual way that simply says “I am so enjoying watching this sport, and am not at all interested in my beer, it is merely great anyway” while at the same time showing that you are manly enough to be drinking beer and watching sports, and your heightened sense of enthusiasm for something like sports will undoubtedly make everyone think you really know something here. Technology Broadcast By, Grey Action (As featured in the RPP Video Update) The next generation of gaming console is about to be born according to industry insiders, with the collaboration of Sony and Microsoft about to be announced. The two giants of the console gaming industry plan to combine their two systems, the Playstation and Xbox, in a manner never conceived before, by breeding them. The aim is to create something with the reliability of the Playstation, the curves of the Xbox and a little bit of class from the Godfather Atari. Industry spokesmen have stated that it will most likely require a lot of alcohol, lubricant and sinning against nature. Nintendo has voiced shock and disgust at this plan, claiming that it goes too far and risks eliminating fair competition in the industry and increases the likelihood of a gaming abomination bent on the destruction of humanity and breakfast spreads. Meanwhile Nintendo’s latest offering, the Game Three Dimensional Square continues to do poorly. |
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