Past Sports from the past week.
Past sports article for the week of 7/8/09
Sweden's new ways to dominate the 2010 World Cup
By Grey Cozmic
Sweden. Ice-cold, filled with polar-bears, only good at hockey and making Battlefield-games Sweden, has decided that it is about time that bronze they won in the FIFA World Cup 1994 is to be beaten. The country has not said anything official on just how, but undercover investigations as a soccerplayer with a big boo-boo (throw a towel over your head and pretend you are crying constantly due to nodding a ball will work wonders as a disguise) has revealed that the plan will either involve Duracell rabbits or cyborgs. The words stumbled upon included “limitless power”, “mechanical” and “keeps on going forever,” so one of the two seems likely, at least. Further investigation also revealed that the Swedish sports association has been in long talks with a prosthetic limbs manufacturer, as well as Swedish videogame manufacturer GRIN, who recently developed the prostethic limb using game Bionic Commando, over sponsorship deals, which could mean anything billboards or small logos on shirts to full on bionic legs shaped as giant logos that are horribly inefficient for kicking with or arms used to swing around a ruined city, further fueling the suspicion of cybernetic organisms covered in living tissue based on Sweden's rather poor group of players.
The thing about making cyborg players, however,, is how the actual FIFA rules it, as it might be considered highly unfair. Can we expect massive bribes, or is the plan to simply never tell anyone(and in that case, can WE expect massive bribes)? The decision not to make an announcement concerning cyborg players (or Duracell Rabbits) seems to indicate the latter, although it might simply be a sign of things not yet being at an advanced enough stage to be revealed. Or maybe they simply thought nobody would ever take them seriously and just laugh in their face, much like what people did when Zlatan Ibrahimovich claimed he was an extraterrestrial (although the actual words he used were “it's like, I'm from another planet!”).
The Swedish soccer team has refused to comment, calling it all unfounded rumours thought up by some crazy penguin, instead claiming they tend to win through great skill and awesome new logos from a prosthetics company. RPP was then swiftly told to forget they also said something about “tons and tons of explosives, drugs and illegal activities”, and how they “would have gotten away with it too, if not for those meddling Swedish Government officials!”
Since blowing up politicians does not win you a World Cup in soccer (just most peoples' eternal gratitude) though, Swedish Security Police has not heightened any alerts, and Swedish Minister of State Fredrik Reinfeldt has said that he wishes “the Boys the best of luck.”
However much the team and it's spokespersons' deny it though, the evidence clearly point toward scary, superpowered cyborgs playing in the FIFA World Cup next year, and, frankly, maybe that will make soccer actually fun to watch, so it is at least a small victory!
Tennis Trouble Broadcast
By, Grey Action (As featured in the RPP Video Update)
Former tennis great John McEnroe, once known as the “Bad boy” of sports is hitting the comeback trail.
Though far older than any tennis rivals, and comparatively out of practice McEnroe is still in possession of his anger and biting wit and intends to use this to dominate his opponents in the realm of tennis.
While this is not the normal way to win a match there are apparently few rules against it, and McEnroe has a distinct advantage, having once reduced Queen Elizabeth to tears at one Wimbledon match, and induced anorexia in one Slavic town after commenting on the width of Anna Kournikova’s dress.
At the time this sparked an in-depth analysis of Anna Kournikova’s dress and its size, analysis that continues to this day.
Officials and coaches are scrambling to have counselling prepared for their athletes, irrelevant of McEnroe’s success, while some court Gordon Ramsey to counter the fiery tennis player.
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