Past Sports from the past week.
Past sports article for the week of 7/1/09
Rumble in the Arctic Profile V: Yoshio "Mr Sensible" Susumi
By Grey Sports (Continued from ep. XI)
The Japanese entry in the approaching race to decide who controls the resources of the Arctic Circle once the icecap melts away was always going to be somewhat controversial.
There was opposition based on the premise that the Japanese would somehow use it as a vast whale hunting ground, showing a stunning lack of knowledge about whales, or a giant Sumo Wrestling Ring, which shows a stunning lack of knowledge full stop.
Yoshio Susumi has proven to be a wise choice. A Japanese national who spent a few years at Cambridge studying whatever it is at Cambridge that makes it important and relevant to this article, Susumi is known for his dry demeanour and incredible patience.
All the same stereotypes abound in this race, no thanks to the British and French.
Many are expecting some sort of giant robot, mutant, robotic mutant or cartoon character sporting massive shoulder pads, deadly eyebeams and reality defying hair.
There was no small amount of disappointment when Susumi revealed his entry vehicle to be a simple hovercraft, subject to future modification depending on what the final terrain looks like.
Speculation has it that this hovercraft is but one of five, six or twenty seven vehicles that will merge into an awesome fighting robot.
At the very least most were expecting panels that open up to reveal scores of missiles that would arc gracefully towards their intended target.
Instead “Mr Sensible” has built a large hovercraft capable of enduring the coldest weather and powering through, albeit at reduced speeds, the strongest winds.
Additionally Susumi has worked out how to refuel this hovercraft on the move and has designed a companion vehicle for just this.
Trial runs in the North Atlantic have gone well, the rougher waves possibly giving greater tests than an overland approach.
Disappointingly Susumi has stated that if the final rules for the race require legs he will bow out, being neither an animal person nor the sort to design some kind of robot.
Nerds and futurists across the globe a holding the sides of their heads in anguish as it appears that no one else in Japan is even interested in trying.
While there are other nations that could conceivably use giant robots, such as China, the USA and Cuba, all have considered the idea to be ridiculous.
Though both China and the US are exploring the use of military robots to destroy alien invaders in space, they are well proportioned, large rather than giant, and tend to carry guns rather than shoulder pads full of missiles.
Thus Yoshio Susumi has shattered Japanese stereotypes with his entry, crushing the wet dreams of Anime fans and generally made the world a more boring place.
Thanks a bunch.
New Performance Enhancing Drug Broadcast
By, Grey Action (As featured in the RPP Video Update)
Recent medical discoveries have revealed a new super drug, a performance enhancer that makes steroids look like milk,. Milk look like water and water look like diet crystal new classic zero pepsi.
These “superoids” are not yet illegal, simply not legal, and thus represent something of a loophole in the sporting world until regulations and laws can be drafted to fill the gap.
Derived from spinach extract this new drug can enhance endurance, increase strength, and increases oxygenation of the red blood cells.
Side effects are noticeable, and include swelling in the forearms, squinting, pipe smoking, an attraction to wailing brunettes with oversized feet and a tendency to mangle the English language.
The number of sportspeople taking this new drug is unknown, however one need only switch to a sports report to see with surprise that Tiger Woods, Serena Williams and desperate for anything man Henry Wrinkler are all jucing on this stuff.
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