Past Sports from the past week.
Past sports article for the week of 6/23/09
Red Wings blame super villains
After losing the Stanley Cup to the Pittsburgh Penguins after 2-1 in the final game, Detroit was slightly bummed out. Red Wings fans even more so, running around the streets screaming, and posting on forums all over the net “it is all Mr. Freeze's fault!” Exactly why the tragic villain from Gotham City was to blame for the Red Wings losing a hockey tournament is a question people then asked themselves, and now, after some serious investigative reporting, we have the answer. The reason Victor Fries, super villain, is accused of ruining the playoffs for the Wings is because he failed to get them to win. You see, it would appear that, salary cap being in effect and all, the Red Wings chose other expensive ways to get them advantages, such as hiring crooks with a penchant for ice. Just how much having someone manipulating the ice entirely in games, and in real time, too, has led to the Red Wings success the last few years is still under investigation, but clearly something shady was in effect.
Now, however, most Red Wings supporters seem intent on sending Fries back to Arkham, after he supposedly went off to try and rescue his wife from an unplugged freezer during the final game, thus costing the Wings the cup, despite the best efforts of some of the best players the NHL has to offer. The Pens simply seemed to want it more, kind of like how Fries wanted his wife to still be frozen and not ruined.
Another villain which was also part of the plot, but not equally as hated as Mr. Freeze was the Riddler, also known as Edward Nigma, who simply tried to confuse the Pens as much as possible by spouting off riddles about why the polar bear wanted apples, which the best dressed animal was and also who was going to ruin their game by making their entire half of the rink into water and slush. However, none of these seemed to actually have bothered the Penguins enough during game time, and while the Riddler might have been absolutely useless, at least he did not abandon the team after the second period. However, after the game, when the Wings supporters found out what had happened, they still decided to give Nigma a sound thrashing, failing to actually deliver the beating as all they found was a note that said “Who's badly dressed, looks awful in a hockey jersey and is currently on a plane to Europe?” A fight then broke out over whether the answer was The Riddler or Britney Spears, leaving the Riddler to sneak out in peace and run away to London. Batman is supposedly already on the issue.
There is a very important lesson to be learned here, of course: never unplug your freezer, and if you are going to store your wife in it, never let it stand without a backup generator. Also, that clearly cheating is wrong and does not pay off, and one should never get caught doing it, instead making sure all your victories appear legit.
Denver Bronco’s Replacement Broadcast
By, Grey Action (As featured in the RPP Video Update)
In shocking news it has been revealed that the entire line up of the Denver Bronco’s for the last three years has in fact been not a moderately somewhat trained football team, but instead at team of ice hockey players ordered not to punch below the belt.
Fans are outraged that their not entirely hopeless team would be so callously treated as to feature no professional footballers.
Indeed some claim this was worse than when the Miami Dolphins brought in a duck as team captain in 1978, as at least the duck scored points.
Owners have hit back stating that it should have been obvious as the Broncos are the only team to have quarterbacks with necks, and the all ice hockey team is a vast improvement over the 1998 -99 line up, which consisted mostly of broccoli and lettuce.
Truly the salad days of the Broncos are over.
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