Past Sports from the past week.
Past sports article for the week of 3/2/09
Rumble in the Arctic Profile: Svetlana “The Siberian Butcher” Kolinikov
By Grey Sports (Continued from ep. 10)
In the torturously long lead up to the race to determine final ownership of the Arctic Circle and all the mineral wealth found therein we find competitors drawn by patriotism, greet, competitive spirit, and more than a little crazy. Exactly which one Svetlana “The Siberian Butcher” Kolinikov falls into is hard to tell.
Rumour has it she is either the product of an illicit affair between a polar bear and a woman who scared every other male creature in a two mile radius, or the passionate fling between young lovers that was abandoned to the tender mercies of Soviet gymnastic instructors.
Either way Svetlana is tough, independent, inventive, and would probably lead the Russian contingent if she didn’t scare the ever loving snot out of Russian strongman Vladimir Putin. Instead the 34 year old mother of three and three quarters is lead racer.
A lifetime spent in the cold Siberian climate makes Kolinikov one of the few naturally suited competitors. She is used to the cold, what it can do to machinery and flesh, and not shy about beating an opponent to death with a chunk of frozen solid moss if it comes down to it.
While Russia has poured vast amounts of funding into their entry, even going as far as fielding three separate teams, and used every piece of technology they could build or steal on their race vehicles Svetlana has actually pulled most of it off, most of it never to be replaced as she lightens the load and intimidates the hell out of everyone by making practice runs in the Siberian cold, wearing nothing but a strategically placed and obviously pained duck.
Consequently Svetlana must be cited as one of the few competitors actively using psychological warfare tactics against her opponents. Already three Chinese, four Americans and two Germans have bowed out of the race rather than risk facing her, while two French, one Italian and Scotsman have all been badly injured and removed from competition for attempting to ask her out on a date.
Svetlana is presently happily married to a ninety pound Moscow insurance salesman who is equally devoted to her.
Trouble may be brewing for Svetlana before she actually competes. Some claim she is actually a shaven and liposuctioned walrus, entered into the race as a Russian cheat. Others claim that this is actually Chuck Norris without a beard. However as the Universe hasn’t collapsed, as must surely occur if Chuck were to shave, this latter story is unlikely in the extreme.
More reliable reports indicate and investigation because she was once in Soviet Olympic training, and no one goes through that without some sort of drugs or body alteration.
Were this to happen Russian dreams of Arctic conquest would surely fall to zero and whoever made the discovery would find out what it’s like to be a strategically placed duck.
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