Past Sports from the past week.
Past sports article for the week of 9/10/08
Rumble In The Arctic Profile: Jurgen Gigenmeister
By Grey Sports (Continued from episode 8)
Ongoing international spats, temper tantrums and the pure and simple childishness of the race to the Arctic Circle to obtain ownership has begun to exhaust the public, which already has enough of this sort of behaviour in elections.
Consequently each nation is putting forward its competitors, attempting to promote the human side of a race overshadowed by corpulent political greed and a ninety foot hamster.
Few believe that these attempts will succeed in rebranding the race as an event of excellence and human endeavour, however these profiles are beginning to filter through websites and news articles.
The most prominently featured individual to date is one Jurgen Gigenmeister, lead for the Norway team, a 38 year old extreme athlete and explorer in the vein of the legendary Thor Heyerdahl.
Gigenmeister is well known for bungee jumping off of a tall dining table in an attempt to gain access to “simple home thrills”.
As insane as this sounds it is generally accepted that this is a sign of Gigenmeister’s innovation and resourcefulness, traits that are sure to come in handy whether the race to the arctic is pure ingenuity and integrity or a bag of dirty tricks.
Like Heyerdahl, Gigenmeister is known for building his own equipment. Until Jurgen got involved no one had thought of building a stunt grade motorcycle out of bamboo, strapped together with damp tennis socks and given a boost by having a guy named Merv dance behind it.
True it wasn’t much of success in a synchronised swimming competition, however this sort of out of the box kind of thinking is exactly what the government in Norway is looking for.
Gigenmeister has made several trips in and out of the Arctic Circle, two to find Santa Clause before he was twelve and was told that Santa died in a vicious turf war with the tooth fairy and five to find tooth fairy on the assumption that such a being would be lording large over newly conquered territory.
Additionally he has made three trips down Mount Everest, only one up, which is an odd story we don’t have time for.
Crazy, insane, imaginative, innovative, resourceful, weird, unconventional and more than a little Irish, Jurgen Gigenmeister is expected to take the lead in the race to the arctic, which has led to the US, Australia and China attempting to bribe him.
In his own words “Jurgen Gigenmeister is not for sale.”
It has also led to a number of assassination attempts, which according to evidence were at the behest of Russia, New Zealand and Norway.
Yes, Norway, they are playing that kind of game.
In his own words “Jurgen Gigenmeister is not bulletproof.”
This has led to Gigenmeister employing bodyguards, wearing a protective coat of sardines and using decoys that look more like Michael Jackson or Jodie Foster than they do Jurgen.
He is that brilliant.
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