Past Sports from the past week.
Past sports article for the week of 12/8/07
Headline News… Miami Dolphins to replace Key players with Chimpanzees…
By, Puns McKenna
Dateline: Miami, Florida, 8 December 2007.
In a striking move, head coach Cam Cameron announced that Chimpanzees would be joining the team in their springtime training. According to reports the coaching staff is very disappointed with this season’s performance.
Apparently they conducted studies in zoos all over North America that proved Chimpanzees can handle a ball better and have a better maneuvering skills. Dolphins to Chimps seems to be the way to go. The Chimps can even manage to write a few lines of Shakespeare on a typewriter.
So where do we see this interesting revelation going? Do you suppose that we’ll see an improvement in the performance? I certainly hope so. I haven’t seen the Dolphins play this awful since I was a kid. How is it possible to lose so often? Does the team just not have any heart left? I mean with Marino retiring in 2000 it seems like the team just lost its will to survive.
When Shula left, the team started to really backslide. And we ain’t talkin into the everglades either. We’re talking almost an evolutionary backslide. So maybe them using Chimps isn’t such a leap of logic. I can just see it now…
“And Freddie the Chimp has the ball. Here he comes folks. He’s making a straight line to the end zone fifty yards away. Will he make it? Oops! There’s a penalty flag on the field. Wait a minute folks! It looks like Freddie’s gonna make it. It looks like the rest of the team has gone after the penalty flag itself and the other team is stopping to watch them tear it apart. Hey Joe? Do you think they believe it’s a banana?”
Instead of going off to the locker rooms to shower and rest at halftime they’ll be going in for a banana break. Might be cheaper that way. Afterall the team won’t have to hire all those expensive lawyers to keep the players out of trouble. And PETA (Which we all know is People Eating Tasty Animals) will be just thrilled by the Chimps finally getting their fair chance in life. No more anti-animals sentiments coming from the football team. Heck! We might even change the name of the team from the Dolphins to the Intelligent Mammals or somesuch.
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