Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 9/30/07

Tyson to clean up his act- for real this time
By, Cozmic

“I'm trying for real this time. Really! I've laid off the ear biting!” Tyson was quoted as saying, And indeed, RPP have been unable to find any proof of ear biting in recent years, although this might have to do with our top investigative reporters trying to uncover the conspiracy behind Swiss cheese and why it has holes in it. However, the public in general seems to accept the 41-year old as no longer biting ears, much in the same vein it accepts that Tyson's idea to revive his career by boxing exhibitions was ultimately doomed to fail.

The fate Tyson's latest idea to both service the community and get a bit more publicity appears to be far harder to predict. In order to prove that Tyson cares about the community and really has cleaned up his act he has started up a boxing school for young children. This latest attempt to atone for his past sins, which include rape and misdemeanour assault, is called “Mike's Minor Assaults”, or in some areas where this name is considered ill-advised, “Tyson teaches thumping”, an odd name to be certain. The basic idea behind the program is that young children who get bullied and robbed of their lunch-money learn how to box, thus breaking the nose of any thug who messes with them. The problem is which kids get admitted into the school, seeing as how background checks are slightly lax, and thus the bullies learn how to break noses too. Critics of the program also claim that this is merely teaching more children to use violence to get the things they want, to which Tyson has said that pretty much his entire career was built on that same principle, and he turned out okay. This usually leads to critics commenting how he's about to go to jail for drug abuse, which tends to end the argument. Nevertheless, many children are flocking to the program, some to whines of how there is not an “ear biting 101” class, others to how gloves and helmets are so unnecessary. The latter opinion is one not shared by concerned parents or even more concerned lawyers, and therefore does not get mentioned very often among the adults. However, a lot of mothers seem to be interested in getting an ear biting class, saying it is essential that people know how to bite as well as fight. However, Tyson always staunchly refuses the idea, believing that all problems can be solved by a good fist to the face, or a program for kicking your various bad habits.