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Past Sports from the past week. Past sports article for the week of 8/8/07 Steroids found in cheese We all know about steroids, most baseball players favourite pre-game snack, and also that thing professional athletes get disqualified for taking. Steroid abuse is also fairly simple to get away with, changing only a few details can render it undetectable to tests. You could also go overboard entirely, making steroid into an entirely new form and try and tell people that you were not planning on using the steroids for anything bad, you were just trying to make a form of super cheese for your new superhero, Rat Man. Rat Man, of course, would fight crime using the superpowers granted to him by eating his special super cheese, filled with roid-y goodness! However, Rat Man, also known as Joe Millar, stands accused of possession with intent to sell, owning his own drug lab of controlled substances and general bad taste. Police were quoted as saying “Seriously, Rat Man? Only in fiction are all the cool superhero names taken. And, really now, Rat Man!?” Millar said the cheese did not work as planned anyway, so far all it has managed to do was give him larger breasts than the ones a diet of Dr. Pepper and Cheetos created, and an even bigger appetite for cheese. On people who already had some sort of muscles, like the five baseball players arrested for buying the cheese (names withheld due to a court order), the cheese seemed to have strengthened them slightly, and was also undetectable, until they ran off and started gnawing on the bats (which make far cooler superheroes). One of the players then thought about fighting crime under the name of Bat Man and was promptly swamped by DC lawyers as well as even more district attorneys trying to prove that some puns should be punishable by law. Exactly what is to happen to the super cheese and all involved is undecided as of yet, though all indications point to it being destroyed or potentially locked into some super-secret prison along with all who have come in contact with it. |
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