Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 7/24/07

Surprise Celebrity Entry In Tour De France
By, Grey Sports

James Earl Jones, well know for his ability to voice impressive, powerful fathers, villains, robots and Celine Dion has announced that he intends to take part in this years Tour De France, the famous cycling race held in, well, France.
This has raised the eyebrows of many, aside from the fact that Jones, while still a critically acclaimed actor and influence in the world, is a senior citizen, out of shape and has the knees of a four year old thanks to a recent knee transplant there is the larger issue of how he will look in bike shorts.
Officials are trying to bar his entry into the event, even if he should manage to qualify. No one wants to see the Tour De France turned into a celebrity hobby, or another source of media loving celebutants.
Sources close to James Earl Jones have stated that the veteran everything is serious about his intentions to take part in the world’s greatest cycling event, considering it “the fulfilment of a life long dream”.
Apparently as age advances Jones is looking back at all the old goals and dreams he had and seeks to fulfil them.
To date he has taken part in the New Kids on the Block revival (it was he who set their shoes on fire), kicked Lenin in the crotch (Russia is still very annoyed about that), and gotten into a fight with Jar Jar Binks (grateful Star Wars fans have since presented him with the stuffed and mounted Jar Jar Binks head).
But is simply participating enough for a man who has become an international celebrity in showbiz despite a stutter?
Some have suggested that James Earl Jones doesn’t want to simply participate, he wants to win.
After the unbridled savagery of the Jar Jar Binks bout it is a distinct possibility.
Rumours circulate that Jones may well use the Force to topple opponents during the race, or to cloud their minds and send them on the wrong course.
This is not an impossibility, Ewan McGregor was seen doing something similar during a motorcycle race which saw three racers immediately in front of him drive into a lake and proceed to square dance underwater.
Others do not believe Jones will be that subtle, especially since he only voiced a character that used the Force.
Another likely possibility is that he will appear to other competitors as their fathers. While unable to use this tactic to discourage the cyclists he may instead simply distract them at key moments, certain corners and engage them in a motivational conversation that takes too long.
Some cyclists consider this beyond the abilities of a mere aging actor, and are fully expecting something more conventional, such as his during his boxing match with Jar Jar where he used a chair, a sledgehammer, a mime and then a large section of the fallen Berlin Wall. Such tactics are not unknown in the Tour De France where last year one competitor threw Richard Simmons into the path of competitors.
Then again it’s entirely possible that he’ll just strap X-Wing engines to his bike. Apparently there aren’t any rules against it in the Tour De France.


 Really Pathetic Productions 1997-2007© Menu Bar by Albatross