Past Sports from the
Past sports article
for the week of 6/30/07
Barry Bonds Battles Batting Badness
By, Grey Sports
Baseballer and part time mime Barry Bonds was hit with yet another scandal
yesterday when it was revealed that for the last seven years he has been
batting with a little old lady.
That is to say using a little old lady as a baseball bat, not having a
little old lady with him on home plate and on runs while batting, a technique
popularised by Willie Mays early in his career.
Serious questions are being asked as to how Bonds could have pulled this
off for seven years without someone noticing something amiss.
Naturally team mates, coaches, managers and fans who have stuck by him
through both the drug accusations and reality TV series kept quiet if
they noticed something unusual, preferring to see bonds perform well even
if it meant indulging certain eccentricities and gross abuse of the elderly.
Bonds himself has stuttered several defences, ranging from the weak: “How
am I supposed to know the difference between a little old lady and a regulation
bat if they weigh the same?” to the slightly stronger, if contradictory
“I was informed that they had all signed a consent waiver.”
Equally disastrous was an attempt by the same publicist who thought the
reality TV series was a good idea to justify the less than standard batting
“We all know that using undersized elderly women is not within regulation.
However it should also be noted that it is not expressly forbidden either.
“This is little more than an attempt to railroad Barry out of baseball
at a time of great personal difficulty rather than letting his lovable
nature and generosity carry him into icon status that would lead to the
covering up, glossing over and shrugged acceptance that would allow us
all to move on.
“After all, we all know how Babe Ruth got his nickname, that’s right,
by eating babies because they gave him luck. And Lou Gehrig? Faked everything,
including the not being able to breath on his own thing.”
Bonds fired this publicist shortly after the man was beaten and set on
fire by an angry mob.
Of course there was some interest in legalising the use of little old
women as bats considering how useful they were to Bonds.
Commentators speculate that they improved his batting average by at least
a factor of three and were easier on his hands.
Treehuggers are more open to this approach than others as it saves their
However after last month’s disastrous “kittens as mittens and puppies
for shoes” debacle no one is interested in their opinion.
Beating these latest charges may be beyond Bond’s capabilities unless
OJ tries to do something, anything else.
With his record breaking abilities just barely enough to keep him out
of court for now, and just how long those will last without the solid
ball hitting dependability of little old ladies, no one can know.