Past Sports from the
Past sports article
for the week of 6/21/07
Greenland Makes Alligator Wrestling
By, Grey Sports
Global warming was always expected to have unforeseen consequences, however
sports were seen as the last thing to be affected.
But no, as the Greenland Glacier recedes the warmer climate of Greenland
gives the natives reason to think about expanding their economic base.
Tourism is one obvious outlet, Greenland has been slowly building a tourism
industry based on the environmental and adventure markets.
Combining the two with a warming environment Greenland is now making Alligator
Wrestling a national sport.
“It combines adventure and environmental learning, it is the perfect Greenland
sport,” said Tourism Advisor Grindling Norrdsperg.
“The people of Greenland are often overlooked, to the point where many
people believe this is a country of nothing more than penguins and seals.
With fully supported Alligator wrestling we will be able to change the
world’s perception of our country.”
Environmental and animal rights groups are, predictably, up in arms. Massive
relocation of alligators from their native environments to special containment
areas in Greenland are already beginning and are seen as needlessly cruel.
Similarly the simple act of wrestling these animals is considered absolutely
Comparisons to the late Steve Irwin are already being made, by both sides
of the argument.
As one Greenland official stated: “It makes perfect sense, we’re the Australia
of the north. We’re bigger than an island, smaller than a continent, have
a monarch in another country as our head of state and we have a long history
saying things no one else understands. Crikey.”
When told that Australia has no alligators, only crocodiles, he responded
that Australia was simply griping because it didn’t think of this first
and all it needed to do was rebrand itself and it’s fauna.
On the other side of things the same accusations of stressing animals
and unnecessarily involvement with animals is being made, without the
redeeming factor of environmentalism. Someone made the poor taste comment
that Greenland needs to be invaded by angry stingray, however that was
retracted as soon as the comment was made.
A few sources claim that this is an attempt by the people of Greenland
to reclaim their Nordic heritage, the vigorous and often violent history
of the Vikings.
What this has to do with fighting reptiles is not generally known, though
is sparking an interest in Norse mythology to find any connection whatsoever.
There is some thought that this has been a move by the newly elected Penguin
majority to thin out the human numbers, a sort of quiet genocide, however
the Penguins have been adamantly opposed to the importation of alligators,
having enough to fear from the sea lions and marauding, very, very lost
pandas which have developed at taste for sweet, mangoey penguin flesh.
All the same Greenland presses forward with this new venture, forging
a future unlike anything anyone imagined and making people realise that
Penguins do not make all the decisions in this icy location.