Past Xphile from the
taking over the Past sports article for
the week of 12/12/06
Xphileís Tapes XIV: Tis the Season To
By, Grey Xphile
Right, by now news about the general lack of jolliness coming from the
North Pole has gotten to you.
Now ordinarily itís not in my nature to go out on a lib for the benefit
of a nigh on immortal guy who has enough omnipresence to know how youíre
behaving and measure it up against his own moral standards and then stealthily
enter anyoneís home through the most improbable means imaginable and leaves
little ďgiftsĒ or punishments as you merit according to those moral standards
Actually Iíve now forgotten why it is Iím on his side.
Okay, maybe itís because so many people think of him as a benefit, or
something to look forward to. Then again maybe itís because he gave me
my first recording devices.
At any rate heís rumoured to be in a bit of a bad mood. Rumours fly around
about Iraq, Bush, Blair, Fenderlane, even something about the way Desperate
Housewives has taken a turn for the worst in itís recent season or just
plain frustration with the lack of answers on Lost.
As a seasonal courtesy and because it generates interest Iíve dug deep
into my sources to find a possible line on whatís caused the lack of happy
on top of the world.
The result is a quick interview with a source codenamed Venison:
Grey Xphile: Right, Venison, so Ė
Venison: Do I have to be called that?
GX: Itís a codename, thatís all. Why, think itís obvious?
V: Some might think of it as a racial slur, thatís all. Could get me beaten
up, or worse.
GX: Only if they find out, and all that is what makes it a good codename.
So tell me, whoís tugging on Saint Nickís beard?
V: Itís complicated. Itís all to do with corporate rivalries.
V: Big Redís only Big Red because of a certain soft drink companyís marketing
scheme a while ago. This drew him into conflict with certain other figures.
GX: Who exactly?
V: Other corporate mascots. Tony Tigerís a close friend, that sort of
thing. Trouble is there are rivalries as well.
GX: So whoís his rival? Pepsi doesnít have anyone. Doctor Pepperís a geriatric.
V: Most people say the same thing about Big Red. But no, itís not the
opposition, itís the guys on your own team bucking for something bigger.
GX: So what?
V: Just look at who heís working with and youíll find the answer pretty
Venison was right, once I knew where to start it all became pretty obvious.
Looking up the cola connection I ran into a prominent burger chain that
relies heavily on the same product.
Just like the Columbia incident, the blocking of the Presidential toilets
in 1996 and every mention of the grassy knoll it comes back to Ronald
McDonald, the Clown Prince of Fries. Clown Prince of Crime already being
taken by the Joker.
Checking below the surface Iíve found that Ronnieís been waging a smear
campaign against Kris Kringle. Nothing in the public forums, just poisoning
key friends against him, trying to launch Deer Burgers, poaching employees
because Elves work cheap and no one pays less than McDonalds. Except maybe
Microsoft, I forget.
This sort of thing has been going on for ages, only now itís beginning
to interfere with Big Redís work.
Some might think this is a bit much, that this is just another thing weíre
laying on McDonaldís. I certainly do.
With that in mind Iím beginning to think that maybe some of the other
rumours are just plain false.
For now we have a bigger problem, cheering up Santa. The simple solution
might be to find and beat the crap out of a clown at every chance you
get, hoping that itís somehow Ronald McDonald. More realistic might be
to just buy Coca Cola.
Not to drink of course, Iíd never suggest that, but if we want to make
for a merry Christmas we may be forced to line their coffers. A sacrifice
for the cause.