Past Sports from the
Past sports article for the week of 9/20/06
Supervillains compete for World
By, Ultra Cozmic
Ever since the big feud between Lex Luthor and the Riddler (which started
with the Riddler telling a poor knock knock joke and Lex Luthor's goons
trying to deliver a proper punchline in retaliation), supervillain tensions
over who has the dibs on conquering the world once that plan to kill all
those pesky superheroes finally works has been on the rise. And that is
saying something. Determined not to waste energy on wasting one another
(or money, as is the case of Luthor), Doctor Doom had the brilliant idea
to host the first supervillain athletic games in Latveria, his own country.
Yes, this means he has better opportunities to cheat than anyone else.
However, as everyone, and by that I mean everyone, will cheat as much
as possible anyway (these are villains after all), this hardly matters.
What is important is that we can see a superior supervillain with first
claim to world domination within the week, something that will not claim
hundreds of thousands of lives, or result in far too many bad jokes involving
chickens and sparrows with machineguns.
So far, only two events of the decathlon have been finished, the high
jump and the 100 metre dash. More events should have been played, but
somehow, cheating seems to require so much time to plan that this thing
is advancing at a crawl.
The high jump started with the Riddler trying to confuse the bar down.
This always failed, and since the Riddler is physically about as good
as his riddles are amusing, he plain sucked at it.
The Joker's attempt to use a pogostick seemed quite successful, he even
set a world record until Doctor Doom jetpacked his way over, then under,
around and finally landed with such grace that the mattress he landed
on caught fire. Like I said, they cheat an awful lot here. Other strong
competitors were Doctor Octopus and Lex Luthor. The Scarecrow's attempt
to spook himself into believing there were sharks trying to eat his feet
and that the power of fear would help him jump higher failed catastrophically.
He has still not recovered from trying to saw his own legs off to keep
the tentacle monsters from eating all of him.
The 100 meter sprint was dominated by the Joker, who superglued everyone's
feet to the startingblocks. Unfortunately, this also included himself,
leading the race to be won by Lex Luthor, the only one who came to the
conclusion that yes, he could in fact untie his shoes and then run while
the others were forced to hear bad jokes. Doctor Octopus would have had
the power to rip the startingblock right off and never let his feet even
touch the course, but he was too busy trying to wipe the grin off the
And after Luthor had crossed the finish line, I, for one, just ducked
to avoid being hit in the face by flying villains. There are far too many
ways to die around these people, and i am hoping that next week I will
instead be sent to report on Wonder Woman's vacation, but I doubt I will
have such luck. We will be sure to report on the future of the supervillain
feud, as even Doom will likely not abide to step down from world domination
to the winner of this historical (and life-threatening) event.