Sports from the past week.
Past sports article for the week of 8/21/05
Cubs Victory, Or Tiger Wood’s Head Falling Off
By, Grey Sports
There was a surprising announcement from three separate Nostrodamus scholars
in the early hours of this morning as they announced that each had separately
managed to decipher the same passage from the ancient prophet leading
to an almost exact match.
While this result is a far cry from the six confirmations needed, also
known as Nossie’s Nice Number, however it is far closer than most recent
decipherings have come.
The true shock of this announcement has been felt around the world, as
this particular passage states, relativly clearly, that the Chicago Cubs
will achieve victory.
Precisely what sort of victory is disputed, though many are preparing
for the worst as a victory by the cursed Chicago Cubs is one of the final
eighteen signs of the apocalypse, a dire number indeed.
There is hope, however, in the form of Tiger Woods. Not that the world
famous golfing pro is expected to be of much help in combating darkness
of any stripe, but another three Nostrodamus scholars have concluded that
the passage instead refers to a great black golfer losing his head. In
the physical separation of skull from torso that is, not in terms of a
tennis star scale temper tantrum.
The friction between these two groups is understandably fierce, as few
Nostrodamus prophecies have been interpreted in advance and the predictions
themselves are so very different.
While the world at large remains unimpressed, considering an even split
between the disastrous and the mildly entertaining to be the same as no
result at all, there are those that are taking no chances.
The split in difference outside of Nostrodamic circles is far from even,
there are a handful of Cubs fans who had dedicated themselves to finding
an alternative interpretation to the section of the passage dealing with
“fire, death and the ascendance of American Idol”, while others seek to
keep Woods safe from anything decapitation oriented, with little concern
for the possibility of the world ending. Indeed the majority of Cubs fans
are not in the least bit surprised by this interpretation.
Meanwhile those who like living are attempting to force the mildly safer
option. There have been several attacks on Tiger Woods by people armed
with sharp objects, and three attempts to infect him with leprosy, though
doctors are issuing warnings that this is a hazardous and useless strategy
as heads of the leprous rarely fall off first.
Even Wood’s own family are said to be considering options on guillotines
should it look as if the Cubs will win. Tiger’s father has stated, “We
love our son but for the greater good we simply must keep open options
that allow the world to survive.”
The fact that all things Tiger Woods oriented would quadruple in value
should this prophecy come true has been emphatically denied as a motivating
factor. Nevertheless investors are buying up all the Tiger Woods underwear
they can find on Ebay.
Finally the Cubs themselves, all but forgotten in the doom saying and
golfer slaying are disappointed by the reaction, taking what solace they
can in the knowledge that they will achieve a victory before the end of
the world, having the last laugh on at least two sports commentators.