Sports from the past week.
Past sports article for the week of 6/19/05
By, Grey Sports
In what must surely be the death knell for Extreme Sports the announcement
that Extreme Sunbathing will be allowed at the competitive level has been
greeted by the groans of the middle-aged men who invented the genre.
Extreme Sunbathing was originally used to describe two different things.
The first was similar to the many skateboarding events we see today, only
with tanning oil and the stipulation that players must stay out of the
shade as often as possible to obtain an even colouration.
To be honest this version was extreme simply because of the lack of safety
equipment on the participants and the lack of clothing. However as long
as everyone wore helmets on their heads state and county regulations were
obeyed and it all went ahead.
The second form was similar to laser surgery in that intense beams of
light would be focused on the human body. This sport was based more upon
the endurance, or stupidity depending upon who you ask, of the players.
Now these two forms have been combined, with scantily clad contestants
racing down courses trying to avoid a laser beam while obtaining the perfect
Rumours are that everyone ever involved with James Bond is suing for having
some of their best ideas stolen. Thankfully scantily clad women are not
as copyrighted as some might like to think.
Rumour has it that if this format is not successful it will be turned
into the third and still surprisingly popular variant of having people
in tanning booths racing to see who can attain the perfect skin tone.
Not an improvement for the genre but certainly a womenís sport I would
All of this is largely irrelevant however compared to the statement this
makes about the sad, sad, sad turn of events that has lead Extreme Sports
to this. What had started out as an adrenalin junkie couch potatoís greatest
dream has become a nightmare of spandex, sponsors and gimmicks.
Indeed, to accommodate these three factors Extreme Sunbathing has, well,
itís Extreme Sunbathing, thereís the gimmick right there, spandex is what
the safety netting is made of and sponsors are now being airbrushed onto
torsos, with the distinct possibility of tattooing in the future.
Other Extreme Athletes have now been forced to take a good, long look
at themselves and consider what it is that they are trying to do if this
is what their lifeís calling has come to. With so many bleached blondes
the threat of cerebral overload is a very real possibility.
Analysts predict that Extreme Sunbathing will eliminate what little respect
and admiration for Extreme Sports there are, and even with nearly naked
women being a steady staple of the event there is expected to be little
interest from all but the most desperate of sponsors and viewers who cannot
even afford the basics of the Internet.