The past wisdom of the Great Dashukta Master. Pg.1

From way back in the day.....

The question is: if a stick figure breaks an arm or leg, what do you do? 1. Use a big eraser and eleminate the figure. 2. Graft a new limb to some sort of tree. or 3. splint the injury with "white-out?" signed The Screw Loose Scientist. 4/19/02

THE GREAT DASHUKTA SAYS: To understand the Sticks, one must first understand the Stick Culture, especially as it pretains to the Overlords, the "Artists." You see, these "Artists" have, over the millinea, grown and cultivated the Stick race, selectively breeding and cloning select sticks to taylor the exact sticks they want (the process really doesn't take that long, thanks the the Stick's exceptionatly short lifespan). Under this system, if a stick suffers an injury, such as a broken limb, the stick is normally deemed "unfit" by the "Artists" and eliminated (unless frail limbs is what the "Artist" was shooting for, of course). Elimination is carried out in a small ceremony in which the doomed Stick's closest friends gather, sing songs, wish the Stick well, and get drunk. These ceremonies are also useful in weeding out other Unfit sticks, as socilizing with unfit sticks is considered itself a sigh of unfitness, as is getting drunk. These Sticks are then also eliminated in a gruesome fashion. The "Artist" then either continues to bring down the wrath of the Stick Gods on the hapless Unfit Stick Populations, or simply begins cloning and breeding new sticks--until one of them breaks a limb.


You know, there are cures for short-term memory loss... Unless I am wrong (and the Great Dashukta Master is never wrong unless he fails to have his morning granola bar), you will find your question higher on this page, infact, immediatly preceding this particular question/answer couplet. Ain't that something now? And the mortal who thought up the question in question, which was indeed a question, was yourself, of which you no doubt had no question. Though the Great Dashukta Master looks disfavorably on answering multi-question questions, unless bribed heavily with food, trinkets, and shiney stones, the question question was indeed a question, otherwise I would have not answered the question, now would I?

"what the heck? "Bob the Big Hamster Man 6/8/02

The Great Dashukta Says:

That's a good question, and one that requires a good answer. But, of course, such a good answer must in addition be a logical answer for the question. Now, your question is "what the heck?" This is one of those questions that works best if directed towards something specific. For example "what the heck is wrong with you guys?" or "what the heck is with this website?" or "what the heck is cheese made of". As you have not directed this question at a particular subject, I must assume that you meant the question not as a direct question but as a general statement of bewilderment. If that is the case, then I can confidantly answer your question of "what the heck?" with this statement which is to follow: That is exactly the response we were looking for. This enitre pathetic site was but together for the sole purpose of making people stop and shake thier heads. It dosen't have to make sence, it dosen't have to be clever, heck it dosen't even have to be pathetic (but it does help), so long as it slaps people out of their right mind for even a second. Your question of "what the heck" has shown the staff of this Really Pathetic Site, and even I, the Great Dashukta Master, that for one person, our job has been accomplished. I thank you.

EricVale 24 beers in a case, 24 hours in a day... coincidence? I think not.” 7/14/02

The Great Dashukta Says:

Technically, this is not a question, but in fact an observation. In fact I believe I’ve seen this on a t-shirt somewhere. But since I’m rather bored at the moment, as no one has asked me a question in a while now, I will humor this statement and treat it like a question. As such, the 24 bears in a case has its origins in the original beer “6-pack.” For you math-heads out there, six times four is 24. A six pack of beer is not nearly enough to spike the blood-alcohol content into the “complete numbskull” zone unless rapidly guzzled, a feat which, though easily accomplished by stupid blowhards, does not have the desired lasting effect of total cerebral cessation. As such, in their infinite quest to make a profit, the beer-marketers have resorted to the “bulk sale” ploy. If a six-pack is not enough for the average idiot, then maybe if two six-packs were sold together? Well, that would make a 12-pack, and though such things have been heard of, again they are generally considered “not enough.” The next logical step would be to put three together, resulting in an 18-pack. But “18-pack” is awkward to say, and the mathematics of an odd number such as “three” is normally beyond the range of your average drunken buffoon. Also, “18” does not sound much higher than “12.” After all, both numbers start with “1". But, if a 4 pack is added, well then not only does the math of dividing up a case get easier, but “24” sounds so large to people who would rather not think. All in all, the presence of 24 beers in a case is related to the number of beers in smaller denominations of beer, not necessarily the time in a day. I believe the relationship of beers to hours suggested above reflects more of the sit-com influenced pop-culture of modern America than the foresight of the Anheuser-Busch marketing department. And because I, the Great Dashukta, am feeling particularly feisty today, I would like to add the following: Drink responsibly. Sure, a little alcohol isn’t necessarily bad for you, as long as done in moderation. Drinking yourself stupid is just that.... stupid. It is not the act of drinking that offends the Great Dashukta, but when that act creates a hazard to yourself and others (i.e. when someone who has been drinking goes for a drive, or plays with power tools…) that problems arise. So please, for your own sake, do drink responsibly.

Timberwolf Have you noticed that while hot dogs come in packages of ten that buns come in packages of eight? 7/20/02

The Great Dashukta Says:

Have I noticed? Of course I've noticed! And let me tell you, its rather annoying having to buy 4 packages of dogs and 5 packages of buns to have an equal number of each. I mean, its like converting between British Engeneering and the Metric system--but then again, even NASA dosen't always get that right.

tju73 Hmmm...I'd ask for advice, but what would I do with my Eight Ball and Ouija Board?!? 8/3/02

The Great Dashukta Says:

The Great Dashukta Master Booms in His Loud Voice That Makes Small Woodland Creatures Scurry for Cover:

Burn them. Those things don't work anyway. Whatever happened to "Dear Abby" for getting advice? At least she's not TOO occult. I mean, if you want good, practical, down-to-earth advice, don't consult some corporate entity's mass-marketed cash-in on supernatural superstition, just ASK SOMEBODY! A Real Person! Maybe even someone who knows about or has experience with what you want advice on! But don't ask me right now, I have to go trim my toenails.

Shak If nothing sticks to teflon, then how does teflon stick to pans? 8/10/02

The Great Dashukta Says:

Do you want a cooky answer, or the REAL answer? Well, too bad, I'm giving you the real answer! But then again, why should I give you the answer when I know of some people who know this because its their job. But I'll say this: Its all about the Flourine. I'll now turn you over to the polytetrafluoroethylene experts where they answer the exact same question at the Scientific American Magazine website ( here:

Yeah, I know I'm diverting to authority here, but like I said, why should I go through the effort of explaining these things when the information is already there for the taking? All you have to di is look it up.

Kelly Foss DOES IT REALLY MATTER? 8/17/02

The Great Dashukta Says:

Does what really matter? Does the fact that the fact that cows produce milk really matter? Of course it matters! That's how cows and mammals in general have evolved! The females produce milk, which is rich in fats and proteins, to feed their young during the initial stages of thieir lives outside the woumb. So yes, that does matter. Does it reallymatter that Liberia has a booming industry in "collectable coins"? Of course it matters! How else are collectors going to get thier "Elvis Commemorative Limited Edition Coin?" And on a related note, where else are shady tourist companies going to register their cruise liners? Its their economy, on course it matters. Does it really matter that "Pearl Harbor" is an abysmal movie? Of course it matters! I want that three hours of my life back! Does the fact that leaves are green really matter? Well, since plants get their food from photosynthesis performed in their chloroplasts, which contain chlorophyll, which just so happens to absord most wavelengths besides green which it reflects, then of course it matters! Does it really matter who some random movie star is sleeping with now? Um, no.

Kelly Foss "Oh mighty wise creature, If I touch a photo once, why would I want to retouch a photo? So why do they sell programs for the computer to provoke me to 'retouch' a photo?" 8/24/02

The Great Dashukta Says:

The Great Dashukta Master Replies:

First off, I like that kind of pandering. Mighty and wise. Mmmm, makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Anyways, back to you question, its all about getting you addicted. See, under normal circumstances, touching a photo once would be enough. But, Business is never happy, and as such will try to sell you anything to make a dollar. Of course, they have to advertise their product to make you want to buy it. Normally, marketers use the age-old techniques of "guilt" and "pleasure" to make you think their product is the best thing since pre-sliced cheese, and the "photo retouching" industry is no different.

As I said, one touch is normally enough, but the marketers will try to make you think "maybe I didn't touch it well enough? Did I touch it long enough? Did I carress it enough? Was my thumb in the right place? Did I touch every fiber of its being?" Eventually, you find yourself thinking "Maybe I should touch it again, just to make sure." That's the guilt tactic at work. They're trying to make you feel guilty that maybe you didn't give the photo the touching it deserves.

Then theres the Pleasure tactic. These marketing schemes try to pander to your--kinkier--side. After all, if one touch is good, then wouldn't two touches be great, and three even better? Oh yes, the sheer ecstacy of touching and touching, and touching again, over and over until you can't go on. Normally these ads stop just short of anything explicit, but with today's deteoriating moral standards on photo touching, who knows how long that will last.

That, my friend, is why they try to get you to retouch photos.

Mike Rauscher "Could A Rifleman, with the 2/4/2 back armor, possibly defeat a Goshawk?"

The Dashukta says:
Ah, BattleTech. The Game of the Gods. Well, maybe not, but anyway. If the pilot of the Rifleman is incredibly lucky, or is Kai Allard Liao, and the Goshawk pilot is incredibly unlucky, then it just might be possible. If the dice dictate that every shot of the Goshawk misses the Rifleman, while the Rifleman weaseles a center torso crit and nets three engine hits from it, then yes a Rifleman could beat a Goshawk. Maybe.


The Great Dashukta Says:

The Great Dashukta Booms:

I bet you are expecting me to say its because Bush is a puppet and Cheney is the ventrilliquist, arn't you? Well, that's not the case, you see, its more like Pinnocchio and Jimminy Cricket. You see, Cheney takes a sip of water whenever Bush is about to do something stupid, like raise taxes, or mispronounce his mother's name, or say that his favorite book is "Dick and Jane go Shopping," or that his personal nickname for Saddam Hussein is "Funk-Master Dave," you know, stuff like that. When he does, Bush stops and thinks about what he was going to say, and most of the time then, dosen't say it.

And, yes, that was another question, as was the second, and it could go on and on, but I won't answer them now, I'm hungry.

Phacade quipps: Quick question because I am bored and you are here. If I was to time travel
back in time and slap myself in the face, would I be remembering it as I did
it from the first I did it or would I remember it when I returned and the
temporal anonomoly was finished? 9/15/02

The Great Dashukta Says:The Great Dashukta Master Speaks In His Voice That Makes The Mountains Echo Back:Hmm, let me put it this way. If you were to travel back in time now or any time in the future and slap yourself in the face at a point in time before today, then you would remember getting slapped in the face by a freaky guy who looks remarkably like you now because it has already happened. The Temporal Anomaly (and yes, that is how you spell "anomaly"), and indeed that style of timetravel, is the realm of hollywood and cheezy sci-fi. However, I have my own hypothesis regarding that. UFOs and extra-terrestrial encounters. You see, they're not aliens from another planet at all, they're humans from the very distant future. Through evolution and technology, the humans of the future look only passingly like the humans of today (explaining their humanoid look) and have totally lost the ability to reproduce. As such, they are forced to travel back in time to when humans were still capable of producing gametes and "harvest" the sex-cells to take back to the future in order to propagate the species (explaining the sexual nature of recounted encounters--though why they would need an anal probe to do this is beyond me).But you can always form your own ideas.

Juan Montoya Asks:

"Curious, what type of questions can you answer? Affairs of the heart? Classic BattleTech? Sports? Politics? General information? Advice like Dear Abby? Questions for the supremely smart like Marilyn Vos Savant? Engineering? Topical conversation? GAAP?" 9/30/02

The Great Dashukta Master Opens His Big Mouth And These Words Spill Out:

Well, in all honesty, I don't really answer questions. I provide mildly humorous occasionally witty rarely usefull possible solutions to basically any querry proffered to me. I can answer questions of the heart, but if I were you, I wouldn't heed the advice unless you want to get shot in the heart. BattleTech, I'll answer them, but not in a way usefull to any gamer. Sports? Rarely if ever do I EVER give a straight answer there. And, no, I am not Dear Abby. I'd much rather belittle you for your problems than try to tell you how to solve them. In short, I'm relief from the seriousness of life, out to make you go "huh?"

Albatross Gives a Link to a thread on the CBT message board in which he gives a long rundown of the Galaxies of clan Wolf and what Khan Vlad is doing/planning to do with them.

The Great Dashukta Master Cocks His Head and Sighs:

Not exactly the kind of question I normally answer. I take it you want my opinion on this? Well, you should know by now I delight in giving implausible off-the-cuff answers, so here you go: Nah, Vlad didn't split the galaxies, he simply did some "generally accepted accounting practices." See, he had his accountants--erm--stablemasters--erm--whatever "accidentally" lists the losses as reaquisitions, tweak a few numbers, badda-bing badda-boom, he's got himself a new galaxy. And the stockholders--erm--lower casts are never the wiser. Piece of cake.

Marauderch Quipps:

"Will the Vikings ever win the Super Bowl?"

The Great Dashukta Master Takes A Long Swig of Dr. Pepper, then Says:

Only if their decendants got together to make a all-norceman American Football team, got it to be accepted as part of the NFL, and did really really well. And then if they won, they could flood the stadium and sail around the field in a mock-up longboat. Oh, wait, you mean the existing team the Minnesota Vikings, not the master sailors of the middle ages Vikings. Not a clue. I suppose its possible, but probably not this year. Next question.

Hurlbut Asks:

"What was the secret weapon of the Roman Soldiers of the Roman Empire?"

The Great Dashukta Master Booms:

You're trying to throw me for a loop there, aren't you. Come on now, if everyone knew what the secret weapon was, then it wouldn't be a secret now, would it? But, since the Roman Empire for all practical purposes collapsed, I think it may be safe for me to disclose this tidbit of information. Romans and historians don't want you to know this, but I'll tell you anyway, they can't stop me. The secret weapon of the Roman Soldiers of the Roman Empire was a small bit of paper on which was drawn a picture of a non-descript nude girl. They wanted to use a photograph, but seing as those hadn't been invented yet, they used the drawing instead. In any case, the picture was non-descript enough that the girl could almost pass for anyone's sister. The plan was for the Roman soldiers to, in the heat of battle, pull out the picture and say to their adversary something along the lines of "Hey, isn't this your sister in this picture?" The idea was for the comment and picture to confuse the adversary long enough for the Roman to maim, kill, savagely beat, or otherwise defeat his opponent. Unfortunatly for the "Sister Contingency" plan, the Roman Empire collapsed before it could be fully implemented, though it was used with great success in the War of 1812, though, curiously, no record of it survives.

Marauderch Asks: 10/6/02

"Coke or Pepsi???"

The Great Dashukta Master Booms:

Dr. Pepper

Mitchell D Inquires:

"Time is what? If you have nothing is it something, how can you have something that is nothing? if a weeble wobles why wont it fall? How can life be apart of death if death is the end of life? whats the differance of an apple?"

The Great Dashukta Groans his Mighty Groan:

You know, I don't normally answer polyquestions like this, but I'll comply this once, but be warned, I expect many shiney stones for this one. Time is what keeps everything happening at once. If you have nothing, you've got nothing, if you have something that's nothing, you've got nothing. A weeble has a low center of gravity and a big fat round bottom, so that if tipped, it will right itself. Because its weight is centered near its butt, the butt will always be pulled to the earth. A little grammer: shouldn't that read "life is apart FROM death?" You answered your own question (though its not the question you meant heh heh). Life is apart from death because death IS at the end of life. And the difference of an apple is that its not a pear.

Eldrich 1 Pipes Up and Says:

"The blue eyed man who is forever chasing a dragon he has never seen. What color are the eyes of the Dragon that rides on his back?"

The Great Dashukta Master Says:

A really pretty violet color. I know this beacuse the blue-eyed man in question is my little brother. It also happens that the dragon on his back is the very one he's chasing. Being a wiley old coot, I've never bothered to tell him. By the way, the Dragon's name is Mindy.

Eldrich 1 Querries:

"why would angels want to dance on the head of a pin?"

The Great Dashukta Master looks to the Sky and Speaks:

Specifically to give religious folks fits trying to think of how many of the little buggars could dance there. The answer, of course, dosen't matter as its not testable. I can tell you this, though: the answer is 4. Angles are a tad larger than most other supernatural pinhead-dancing critters.

Juan Montoya Asks: 10/13/02

"There is a rock group called P.O.D. What does P.O.D. stand for?"

The Gread Dashukta Master Speaks:

I'll admit it, I had to resort to Google on this one. But, if you're talking about who I think you're talking about, then P.O.D. stands for "Platypus Organization Department." Or "Payable on Death," take your pick.

Hurlbut Quipps:

"Why did the USA withdrew from the Vietnam War even though they were starting to win the War?"

The Great Dashukta Master Sighs his Great Sigh:

YOu military historian types think you know everything, don't you? I bet you're expecting me to answer with something along the lines of "lack of congressional support," or "Public opinion," but I'm going to tell you the REAL reason. You see, it all boild down to a bad batch of Tartar sauce. It all happened in late 1972, when Corpral Donnovan went to mess. The tartar sauce he had was spoiled, and Donnovan got food poisoning. Well, the doctor who looked him over was a tad paranoid, and was certain the north Vietnamese were two seconds away from putting a bullet in his brain, and was certain the cease-fire was a ruse specifically to get him to lower his guard so he could get shot.

This doctor, who shall remain nameless to protect the guilty, naturally overreacted, and assumed Donnovan's food poisioning was actually the direct results of a bio-warfare attack. Not bothered by protocol, the doctor paniced and told everyone. No one believed his, however, so he skipped over his superiors and voiced his concerns straight to Nixon. The secret Service dosen't like to talk about how the Doctor got into the oval office.

Nixon, not wanting to loose public favor, decided to try and get the U.S. out of the war just incase this wild-eyed doctor was telling the truth. He orders the "Christmas Bombings," then the end to offensive actions, and the rest is history. All because Corporal Donnovan ate a little bit of bad tartar sauce.

Neko Bijin Querries:

"If the Barber of Seville is the man who shaves every man in Seville who doesn't shave himself, who shaves the barber?"

The Great Dashukta Cocks His Great Head and Opens His Great Mouth:

What, you don't think Figaro would be capable of shaving himself? They normally don't show this in the opera, but I'm pretty sure he was working on a primitive version of the electric razor (only it wasn't electric and was powered by a squirrel running in a wheel).

Hurlbut Asks: 10/20/02

"What lay in the future for the Clan Star Adder who is the biggest home clan and carry so few allies?"

The Great Dashukta Master Scratches His Head And Replies:

Ah, another BattleTech question. Alright, let's take a look...

Who do I look like, Mike Stackpole? It's BattleTech, anything can happen! With that in mind, I'll offer this scenerio: The remnants of the Not-Named Clan have spent the past ungodly ammount of time rebuilding and brooding a helluva grudge. They sneak around the Inner Sphere and make their way back to Clan space. The Grand Funkmasters (they decided not to use the title Kahn anymore) randomly rolled a pair of D6 dice on a table to randomly select which clan would be the first to takte their vengence. They roll Star Adder. The No-Namers rip into Star Adder holdings, only to find that the Adders still had BattleMechs (the Not-Named clan had sold theirs to a periphery realm and had gone completely conventional infantry. Lots of conventional infantry). Star Adder mops them up, then gets power-hungry and lashes out against anyone and everyone. The Home Clans all team up and bring the smack-down on the Adders. That's what's going to happen. Really. Unless the Line Developers went behind my back again.

Neil Asks: 11/3/02

"Are you at all related to The Master?"

The Great Dashukta Master Responds:

Which Master are you refering to? I'm related to several Masters. There's my brother the Great Shukpok Master, my father the Great Trapislillotawick Master, my grandfather the Great Frappistrickjukkajukkamaraterfrapinstead Master, and my black-sheep cousin, the Great Master of Collectable Spoons (though we all call him Morty). So, uh, take your pick.

Marauderch Asks: 11/24/02

"How does one become a great Dashutka Master?"

The Great Dashukta Master Cleares His Incredible Throat and Speaks:

You just kinda do. I don't know if I've said this before, but I'm not the original, nor the only Dashukta master. The roll of Great Dahukta was invented by a man named Kevin (and it is by his good graces I am able to call myself a Great Dashukta Master). He is the original Dashukta Master. Besides him, there is myself, Michael, Chris, Richard, Andy, and Tim, just to name the primary group. Dashukta, more than anything, is a way of thinking. A way of critically analyzing the world and the human condition, and commenting on it in a lighthearted, yet at the same time gravely serious way. You're not elected to the office of Great Dashukta Master, you just kind of, well, are a Great Dashukta Master.

Hurlbut Quipps:

"Did the Roswell incident actually happen or the Government just made that up to divert us from whatever they may be hiding?"

The Great Dahukta Master Bellows His Great Bellow:

Nah, Roswell never REALLY happened, and the government actually had nothing to do with it. See, that rancher who allegedly came across the object in the New Mexico desert never really saw anything. You know those dreams you sometimes have when you're not exactly sure if you really are dreaming? Well, he had one of those (of course, that supper of saurkraut and pinto beans didn't help either). He had a very vivid dream, a dream he WANTED to beleave. So when he woke up in the armchair, he quickly rushed out to the spot where in his dream the alien spacecraft had been--and there was nothing there.

Absolutely convinced that he had not been dreaming--contrary to his wife's insistence--he came to the logical conclusion: the government had swept in and taken the craft away. Not being one to let the government get away with such an underhanded and secret operation, he began to spread the word. The rest, as they say, is history.

The government explination of the weather balloon and such was simply an attempt to capitalize on the event. Think about it: you're hiding some top secret project (maybe a new aircraft, or some atmospheric research, or something) and people are accusing you of hiding something, something extraterrestrial. If you say "oh, no, we're not hiding any alien spacecraft" it will only make people believe more strongly that you ARE hiding an extraterrestrial spacecraft. Its a free coverup! The government didn't even have to try. Sneaky, sneaky. And that's what happened. Really.

Joe Spud Asks:
"What is the relation between a horse and a sheep?" 12/3/02

The Great Dashukta Master Answers:
a touch of spackle, 3 pounds of plaster, 2 gallone of paint, and a couple two-by-fours.

Atlas3060 Quipps:
"Why is it annoying when someone asks the same question over and over? Why is the sky not a color? Can I hear mimes? If my teddy bear talks, and I crazy? Why is it annoying when someone asks the same question over and over? Why an I asking these questions? If you drank soda backwards, would you be thirsty? and... Why is it annoying when someone asks the same question over and over?"

The Great Dashukta Master Sighs his Mighty Sigh:
My, you are a curious one. You know, mostly I don't answer these multi-questions, but I'll answer yours this once, so here we go: Because it shows a lack of originality on their part Because the Great Language Makers had already assigned that color the name "blue" Sure, you can hear their footsteps, their clothes rustling, or their stomach growling. they're annoying, not supernatural. Not if your teddy bear is Teddy Ruxbin or the A.I. superteddy Because you already gave them the answer Because my accomplice the Great Hueyguffijaft Master planted the idea in your head to liven things up around here No, but it sure would make your nose frizzle and finally... For the same reason its annoying to give the same answer over and over

Truetanker Asks:
"How do I shut up a Blakeist? Why do people say the smartest things when clearly they are dumb? Why do people do precision things when clearly they are clumsy? What is in the Mystery Meat? Why name a child an unpronouncable name when all name are considered?

The Great Dashukta Master Groans:
Not another one. Alright, I'll humor you this once as well: Ever seen a Blakeist try to talk with a tennis ball jammed in his mouth? Especially when said tennisball had been soaked in cholorform? Because part of being stupid is the believing that you are not. Practice makes perfect the Secret Sauce Because, in some peoples minds, the common names are well, too common. Naming your kid "Bill" or "Jennifer" just dosen't have the same spark of individuality as "Corinatapop" or "Jemmujemmugraftdesporia."

Truetanker Inquires:
"Where does hydrogen come from and where does helium go when the sun releases it?"

The Great Dashukta Speaks In His Mighty Voice:
Most of the hydrogen originated with the origin of the universe, with more being added along the way from processies like nuclear fission. the sun burns by fusing hydrogen nuclei into helium thanks to the immense pressures created by the sun's mass. Most of this helium sticks around the sun, but some of it is ejected into space and drifts off.
Nah, I'm just pulling your leg.
The hydrogen was all farted out by the Great Galactic Snail when it created the Universe last Tuesday (really. everything before that is an elaborate manufactured memory). The hydrogen is swallowed by the snail to be farted out as hydrogen later.

mhal9000 Quipps:
"If a flute with no holes is not a flute, why is a donut with no holes a danish?"

The Great Dashukta Master Cocks His Mighty Head:
Would you rather they called it a "finlander?"

Wombat Requests the Knowledge:
"Where did I put my keys?"

The Great Dashukta Master Shakes His Head:
I'll tell you this: they're always in the last place you look.

"Why dosen't the DMV give peo[le an IQ test with them sitting in the driver's seat of a car, and require a minimum score before they issue them a license?"

The Great Dashukta Master Speaks in His Great Voice that Makes Small Woodland Creatures Scurry for Cover:
Because otherwise, bus and taxi drivers would be the most highly valued, highly paid, and highly competitive occupations in the nation.

Marauderch Inquires:
"What is the secret to eternal happiness? " 12/17/02

The Great Dashukta Master Replies:
Its really no secret. Have fun, don't sweat the small stuff, take delight in life's little pleasures, and cherish the love that you receive. That will keep you happy for at least as long as you live.

mhal9000 Requests the Knowledge:
"1. What exactly is in a fruitcake? Don't give me mundane answers such as fruit, flour, water, etc. They are otherworldly things, and I will have their secrets! Tell me O Great Dashukta!
2. Exactly how many of these trans-dimensional things currently call our plane of existance home? I know it must be a limited number, and people through the ages have simply given the same fruitcakes as gifts countless times. These questions burn a hole in my mind O Great Dashukta, and I would have you answer them for me!"

The Great Dashukta Master Bellows In His Voice that Gives That Really Cool Ecco Effect:
Mundane answers? You must be new at this. They certainly are otherworldly things aren't they? They're fire-proof, bullet-proof, digestion-proof, knife-proof, and radiation-proof (hence the military is rather interested). Actually, fruitcakes are a living entity accidentally shipped here by an alien race passing through circa A.D. 478. Currently, there are 654,213,011 fruitcakes world-wide, and that number has stayed constant since 3 of the things were accidentally taken by an extraterrestrial scout craft in 1976. They are alive--sort of. They need only minor nourishment, and never seem to reproduce (either that or earth got all one gender of fruitcake--that is if fruitcakes have genders). And yes, people have been giving the same fruitcakes over and over as gifts for millenia. To my knowledge, no one has attempted to find out what they actually taste like.

"What where the names of the [three] kings? I've really looked everywhere and can't find their names....... "

The Great Dashukta Master Replies:
While the "Three Kings of Orient Are" names and even actual existance have been lost to the sands of time, I can tell you their nicknames were "Larry, Curly, and Moe." No, they wern't the three stooges, but they did serve as the inspiration for the trio we still laugh at today. At the time, the old Larry Curly and Moe were on tour through the middle east, and had happened to stop by the stable in Bethlehem just in time to be written into song. As cronicled in the song, the trio never was the same after the famed "rubber cigar" incident.

Joe spud quipps:
"Oh great dashukta,
what is my middle name?"

The Great Dashukta Master Cocks His Mighty Head:
Well, it certainly isn't "danger," mister Henry Joel.

truetanker quipps: 1/12/03
"How does one find the meaning to fun?"

The Great Dashukta Master Replies:
Well, you see, there is this really handy book called a "dictionary." Quite an amazing book, really. It contains a list of common words in the English language and their definitions, as well as their historical root, pronunciation, and syllables. Your local library should have one lying around you could use.

Truetanker Asks: 1/18/03

"Why do we go to war over dead and decomposed life (aka : oil)?"

The Great Dashukta Master Replies:

You mean petroleum and other hydrocarbons which form from the accumulation and decomposition of single-celled marine micro-organisms, with practically all deposits dated to the Carboniferous 290 million years old or older? Why do humans go to war over that? Its quite simple really. No matter how "free" humans ever consider themselves, they will always be ruled by a small group of elites. In many nations, these elites have, in one form or another, amassed wealth by selling hydrocarbons to the non-elites and other elites in a "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" relationship, while at the same time subvertly making sure that the non-elites feel that they need the hydrocarbons, thus increasing the demand and their own pocketbooks. Then some elites use their non-elites to get themselves killed fighting the other elite's non-elites to enhance their own glory while seeking a way to amass more hydrocarbon-garnered wealth. You are a pawn of this nation's elites, and they will use you to further their own glory-seeking agendas. Don't you feel special now?

Icewraith Quipps: 1/26/03

"Whit is the universal significance of the word "poit"?"
The Great Dashukta Master Booms in His Mighty Voice That Makes Little Woodland Creatures Tremble With Unmitigated Fear:
You do realize that "whit" means and incrediable small ammount, like the smallest bit immaginable, as in "what some people will do for a whit of attention these days." and the sentence "whit is the universal significance-blah-blah-blah" dosen't flow grammatically. I'll assume you meant "WHAT is the universal significance of the word 'poit.'" Well, to answer that question, I will have to assume that you are familiar with the teachings of one of the greatest philosophers of our time. I am, of course, referring the Pinkie. "Poit" is a word of deep and profound meaning, second only to "Narf" in its impact of society. In short, its a glib statement of total satisfaction achieved by the zero-point cancellation of the conflicting paradimensia interactions produced by alternating overambitious/overlucidflowthought brainwave patterns of the Brain and Pinkie respectively. In layman's terms, it expresses the subconscious realization of oneself only possible when around someone with a radically different personality. In this case, the intelligent though over-stressing Brain is stimulating the care-free yet infantly more wise Pinkie inducing a profound sence of peace and security expressed in the word "Poit." Still with me? Good. Alternatvely, the word acts as a stimulus to the Brain to analyze the word, thus providing more thought and stress to further stimulate Pinkie's subconscious. Make sence?

Icewraith Inquires: 2/8/03
1.) "If Walt Whitman was a heavy metal guitarist, what color would his teeth be? 2.) What REALLY is Black, White, and Red all over? 3.) Who are the top ten greatest foosball players in known history? 4.) Are there other variations of the "happy Dance" apart from the one performed in El Centro, CA? 5.) Who invented cream filling? 6.) Is ten a significant number? 8.) What is the definite integral from one to five of X=(-cosT)^e^2T? 9.) If ten hundred people eat an apple, how do they do it? 10.) Is Man alone in the universe after his Wife throws him out of the house? 11.)When is 2+2 NOT equal to four? 12.)Why on earth would anyone name anything "Kumquat"? 13.)Why has the Draconis Combine not put out the Omi Kurita swimsuit calendar?"
The Great Dashukta Rouses from His Mighty Slumber and Speaks:
Geeze, what is it with you people and these multi-questions? Well, alright, here we go: A nice pearly white. You were expecting otherwise? There are some plutonic rocks that are black, white, and red all over--especially if the alkali-feldspar is a tad more red than usual. Though their names never appear in on any official tournaments, that would be Tuanku Muhammed from Malaysia, Fritz Pfluger from Germany, Kaneko Juzo from Japan, Scott Smith of Dorset, England, Pierre De Groat of Quebec, Gerald Potsward from Kansas, Leslie Hemstreet from Arizona, Moussa Diarra from Mali, Nityasundar Dhadda from India, and Carla Winters from Rhode Island. For some reason, none of them want to compete in international competition, though, so this is the only place you will ever hear of them. Well, I've certainly seen other variations, but you REALLY don't want to know about those. I bet you're expecting me to say James A. Dewar, the inventor of the Twinkie(tm), but I'm not. Dewar actually got the idea from his neighbor, Henry J. Puddlesworth when he put whipped creame in his peanutbutter sandwich. Only as significant as 9 or 11. Or are you referring to "significant digits," in which case it really depends on the context. The answer is Q. eat a single apple? By cutting it into very small pieces--and afterwards, they're all still hungry. Nah, he's still got his dog. When Big Brother SAYS so. Now pipe down, or I'll send you to Room 101. Because "Olagapotackrattrahoypec" was too long. Another BattleTech, question, huh? Ok. Well, the answer to this is really quite simple. The authors never really mention this, but Omi was nice in the face, but that was about it. She was skinny, boney, had no meat on her, legs like a stork and arse to speak of. Sure, Victor found her attractive, but then, hey, more power to him. The DC public relations department realized that an Omi callendar would in acutality, sell only about 25 copies--and that's with Victor buying 20 of them.

Daishi3050 Asks:
"Where do babies come from?" 2/16/03
The Great Dashukta Master Replies:
Why that's easy--they come from eggs, with a little help from sperm. There's a variety of ways to get those two to meet, some more direct than others.
Thretanker Inquires:
"How does one become a baby again?"
The Great Dashukta Master Answers:
You can act like a baby all you want, though its not a good way to keep your friends. Other than that, you can try to rely on reincarnation.
Funky Requests:
"What is the chemical formula for strawberry milk?"
The Great Dshukta Catches His Gaping Chin:
I can't tell you exactly, as the chemical composition of a single strawberry is so complex as to require a college thesis. The number of proteins alone would require a good number of pages. I would go into it, but I have other questions to answer, and I don't know if Paul has the bandwidth. SO, I'll cut it down to this: Three parts milk, one part squuzed strawberry. On a side note, I prefer chocolate.
Nerd Wants to Know:
"What is the Ulitmate Question, as the answer is 42?"
The Great Dashukta Master Cocks His Mighty Head:
Dang hitchhikers transversing the galaxy thinking I'm their guide. Why don't you go ask Deep Thought, or its successor, the Earth, who's working on the problem right now. Of course, those jokers are amatures. I'm surprised they haven't realized how obvious the Ultimate Question is. I've known since last Wednesday, and it only took me a couple weeks of meditation and three bags of Doritos. Of course, I needed the plain doritos, not that "extra-bnacho cheeze" crud. But then that stuff is so ubiquitous these days. And then there was the whole problem with the air conditioner that just didn't seem to want to work properly. And ... um... What was the question again? Ah, yes, The answer is 42.

Zspookz Inquires: 2/23/03
"Why is it I am having such a long run of bad luck, 'O Great and Knowledgeable One?"
The Great Dashukta Master Speaks in His Mighty Voice:
First of all, keep up the flattery. I like that. Second, the answer to your question is, the Great Galactic Snail has a few choice persons who it follows around and whose lives are directly run and influenced by the Great Galactic Snail. Kind of like how when you play a computer game like "Roller Coaster Tycoon" you pick out one or two "guests" and follow them around or a game like "The Sims" where you control a virtual dollhouse. We are living in the Snail's dollhouse, and we are not his choice ones. Therefore, we get the "castoffs." Its not bad luck, it just that you've unfortunatly been caucht in the jetwash of someone else. Hang in there and it will pass. Who knows, maybe the Snail will take pitty on you sometime.
Icewraith Wants to Know:
"What are the origins of the insult "nimrod"? Where did it come from? Who came up with it? Are there any famous uses of the word "nimrod"?"
The Great Dashukta Master Replies:
Ever heard of the Tower of Babel? Well, the fellow who said "hey, let's build an insanely huge zuggurat! No, bigger! Bigger! BIGGER!" was a guy named Nimrod. Of course, then the origins of the insult are quite obvious. After building something big and tall without taking into consideration the engineering or geology of the site, poor Nimrod quickly became the quintessential "bad architect." The insult has been used extensively since then, but is probably most well known for its use to describe the founder of Pompeii.
JRP3477 Is Fed Up: "Ok fine, why are hot dogs in packages of ten and Hot dog buns in packages of 8?!" 3/8/03
The Great Dashukta Master Calmly Replies:
Haven't I alrady answered this one before? Oh, wait, no, that was "have you noticed," not "why is there." Well, the simple answer would be because dog and bun manufacturers don't communicate very well--especially since the Great Bun Riot of '65. The Conspiracy Theory answer would be to do the math. Using my incredible math skills, I calculate the minimum number of each product one would need to purchase at the quantities you provided to be 4 packages of dogs and 5 packages of buns (for a grand total of 40 of each). Why would this be? Because the economy of this nation depends on wasteful consumption, and this is yet another way of subliminally urging you to buy more.
zspookz Inquires:
"Staying with the hot dogs question....
After knowing what is in a hot dog, why do people still choose to eat them?"
The Great Dashukta Master Opens His Mighty Mouth:
Because deep down inside, we still know that its perfectly good meat. So what if the material came from some part of the animal that people in modern society think is "gross" (though our ancestors apparantly had no trouble). Its still just a bunch of amino acids and lipids. Its no less healthy than any other part of the critter. So why not scarf a couple down? They're tasty, too.
And then there's the conventional "there's a global conspiracy by business to subvert you into their money-spending slaves" bit. Bet no one's seemed to have any trouble with being a mindless money sheep before, so why should I rock the boat?
Albatross Wishes to Know:
"When are you going to stop asking us for rediculously easy questions to ask you?"
The Great Dashukta Master Sighs:
Well, you certainly don't HAVE to ask me a question. In fact, you don't even have to ask me an EASY question. I'm just offering my services here, you don't have to take advantage of them. But on a related note, its not rally me who is requesting questions. That's my marketing department. They're always using my name to solicit questions from all of you people. Something about "not wanting me sitting around playing with my toys an trinkets all day." I don't know wht they're talking about. They know I don't like to be bothered when polishing my spoon collection. So I guess they'll stop asking on my behalf whenever I get around to yelling at them.

Phacade Requests the Knowledge: 3/19/03
"Why in Hong Kong does the Pepsi taste like Coke and the Coke taste like Pepsi does in the United States?"
The Great Dashukta Master Replies:
It does? Excuse me while I fire up my molecular quantum teleportation machine. Well, what do you know, it does! Now, excuse me while I meditate...Ok, I'm done. The answer is quite simple: chineese tastes are different than Western preferences, and therefore the cola companies feel that it is necessary to "reformulate" their product to match their market. Ironically, the two stumbled upon their rival's domestic formula, but found that the overseas market likes it just the same. But whatever you do, don't tell Pepsi or Coca Cola, or we'll end up with all the news airwaves clogged with this "scandle." They could have saved themselves a lot of trouble without going through all the reformulation R&D, ut no, they had to just assume something was true without testing it first.
zspookz Asks:
"Why did the whole "Birds and the Bees" conversation come to have anything to do with birds or bees?"
The Great Dashukta Master Pats Him On the Head and Says:
Because the average human kid dosen't care how birds and bees make little birds and bees, they want to know how humans do it. After all, which gets your blood pumping more: the mating dance of the Vulturine Guinnea Fowl, or "Playboy?" Now my daddy did set me down and give me a birds and th bees talk that did involve birds and bees, but then agiin, I always was an inquisitive little booger.

Brother Solarus Querrys: 3/25/03
"Ok, I'll bite. What is the clan's favorite party favor?"
The Great Dashukta Master Rouses From His Slumber and Replies:
Another BattleTech question, huh? Oh, alright. Of course the answer depends on which clan you're talking about. Plushie totem animals are always popular. Ghost Bears like sno-cones. Though fake vampire teeth are not appreciated by Blood Spirits but welcomed by Cloud Cobras and Star Adders. I've heard that Diamond Sharks are fond of goldfish crackers, at least the cheese-flavored ones. But whatever you do, do NOT give a Coyote a chew toy.

Albatross Asks: 4/8/03
"I just received a variation of the Nigerian Email scam in my inbox. I reported it to the FBI via their tip line. Any chance this will lead to a conviction?"
The Great Dashukta Master Awakens from his Mighty Slumber:
Dang, I forgot to set my alarm clock again! Ah, a real, honest, sincere question. What a change. This requires a real, honest, and sincere answer. And to set a new precedent, I will actually give you that answer instead of one of my usual escapades. Unfortunatly, the chances of your report leading to a conviction are rather small. For one, the FBI only has jurisdiction within the United States. If you got this scam from someone out of the country, the FBI can't do jack except for notifying the authorities in whatever country the jackarse that sent you the scam is in. And to make matters worse, in some places, that sort of scam isn't illegal, or if it is, it isn't enforced. Even if he's on U.S. soil, the FBI would actually have to press charges to convict the guy, and I don't know about you, but I haven't seen very many email scam convictions in the news.

Twistybread Requests the Knowledge: 4/13/03
"Who really killed kennedy???"
The Great Dashukta Master Replies:
Ever heard of a Temporal Paradox? Well, the Kennedy assassination is an extant example of that very temporal problem which has plagued timetravel since its first inception in SciFi. You see, Kennedy was assassinated by Kennedy's great-great grandson Freddy J. Kowalsky who in a future point from now will travel back in time and kill J.F.K. before he can father Kowalsky's mother Ingrid Kennedy-Kowalsky. As such, Freddy will never be born. But then, taking into effect the infinate number of parallel universes, that means both Kennedy and Freddy are still alive in an inifinate number of parallel universes. So even if Kennedy is assassinated in our universe and is in an infinate number of other universes almost entirely identicle to ours, he is not assassinated in another infiniate number of universes not quite as similar to our own. So in this case, can it really be said with any certainty tthat ANYONE killed Kennedy? I'll let you mill over that one for a while.

Funky Wishes to Know: 4/27/03
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
The Great Dashukta Master Opens His Great Mouth And Replies With the Great Answer:
Well, given the average structural integrity of the an average piece of wood, and force capable of a given woodchuck, and assuming the wood is perfectly uniform Birch 2-by-4, then I would say approximately 3.228 feet per minuite. Of course, assuming that a woodchuck would be capable of chucking wood in the first place, and that the woodchuck is completely chucking the wood and not leaving portions half-chucked.
bbunny45 Rattles Off:
"Who is faster, Speedy Gonzalez or the Road Runner?"
The Great Dashukta Master Takes a Deep Breath:
Warner Brothers made a Loony Toon on that very topic. IF you want their answer, go wathc the cartoon. If you want my answer, keep reading. My answer is: For long distances, it depends on how much free cheese and birdseed is layed out by Sylvester Cat and Wile. E. Coyote along the race course. For short distances, though, the Roadrunner could kick Speedy's butt, as Speedy always has to do his whole pre-run catch-phrase before even leaving the starting line.
JadeHellbringer Asks:
"Oh great wise one, I welcome you back to the fold. I must seek your wisdom- why does everyone keep complaining that I am a Jade Falcon, and a fan of the Loki/Hellbringer Omnimech?
And why do Spheriods suck so bad?"
The Great Dashukta Master Booms:
Welcome back? But I never went anywhere, I've just been napping. We mysterious wise entities need our rest, you know. But the answer to your question is simple: they're just jealous. Oh, sure, they won't admit it, but deep down, thay all want their favored BattleTech faction to be as cool as the Jade Falcons, with such a cool logo and a writer in their back pocket. The only one that comes close would be the Davions, but they're not Clan. And as for your second question, they're just out of practice.

Funky Wishes to Know: 5/4/03
"Why is it when during Math class, and starting a new topic (say, differential calculus) you get many examples which are very easy, such as:
"F(X) = X3*13X*17..........Find F'(X)"
But, after 3 problems, you are suddenly hit with something that also includes cubed root signs, inverse square laws, and some strange quantity that is called the Coulomb, but the sign for it is "Q".
Why? (Not the "Q" thing, the rest of it) "
The Great Dashukta Master Scratches His Mighty Head:
I have wondered the same thing myself. It actually took me three whole minutes of pondering to come up with an answer, but I finally found it. You see, the people who write mathematics textbooks were never students themselves. They are human, but they are evil, and delight in causing pain to others. The first three problems are easy in order to make you feel comfortable, like you know what you're doing. The next problem, then is insanely difficult to smack you down and make you feel inferior. Wasn't that obvious?
Lord Rorke Quipps:
"Why is it that all that complicated Math (I dropped the S for you Americans) is never used again once you've left school?"
The Great Dashukta Master Scratches His Mighty Chin:
Well, thank you for your concern for the Americans... I guess. But the answer to your question depends heavily on your occupation. Certainly circus performers, cashiers, traffic cops, and the like don't need to know more complex mathematics to perform their daily duties, but other professions like engineers (aeronautical, civil, sanitation, etc.) and math teachers do need to know complex math in order to more quickly and easily do their jobs. So the answer to your question is that all that complicated math is used by some people after they leave school, but not all. Now, since only some people need the math, why do they try to teach it to almost everyone? Well, the answer here depends on the fact that most people do not know what they want to be when they grow up at the time they are taking the math. Also, the complicated math courses serve as a mechanism to weed out the rank-and-file from those who actually can do the math-intense jobs. Just think of how many budding quantam mechanics specialists changed their focus after they realized they couldn't do the math.
Lanceman Requests the Knowledge:
"Why is it that after I come home from school everyday I feel less enlightened than when I woke up that morning?"
The great Dashukta Master Replies In His Mighty Voice:
Because you are not actually going to school. Every day, you are going to a government-controlled complex specifically designed to drain you of your abilities of free-will and independent thought. Ultimetely, they wish to convert you into a mindless drone that will do whatever the powers-that-be want you to do. Though you may think otherwise, you are already mostly under their power. I suggest fashioning a loose-fitting hat out of aluminum foil and wearing at all times while inside the "school." It is the only defence against their fiendinh devices. However, this act will bring you to the Power's attention, and they will then "turn up the power" so to speak. This will most likely begin with them taking you to see someone called a "principal" or more fiendishly, a "guidance councelor." If they attempt this, you only hope is to strip down to your underwear and coat yourself in jelly from the caffeteria. Remember, the only way to get away from the conspiracy to control your mind is to fore them to give up.
Phacade Pipes Up:
"Is my wife having a boy or a girl?"
The Great Dahsukta Ponders How To Put His Words Gently For The Mortal:
Well, that all depends on you, bub. Did your gamete contain an "X" chromosome or a "Y" chromosome? Seeing as I do not have x-ray vision, nor have I ever met your wife, I am forced to rely on alterior means do discern the gender of your as-yet unborn fetus. Now I must warn you, when I get this, um, "experimental" my accuracy tends to drop to approximately 25 in 50. Excuse me while I perform several complex calculations... hmm,... yes,.where'd I put that quarter?...ah, ok....heads....Ah-ha! Its a boy.

Sabot Asks the Question: 5/25/03
"Can I ask anything question I want to?"
The Great Dashukta Master Blinks and Replies:
Um, yeah, sure. You can even take grammar classes if you want to.
Icewraith Quipps:
"When will the next ten major disasters be? I would like to know so I can avoid being in the area when they occur."

The Great Dashukta Master Booms:
Geeze, I'm a guru, not a psychic. But anyway, how big a disaster do you want? Political upheaval? Assignment of lots of homework from school? Earthquake? Volcanic eruption? Meteoroid impact? Economic downfall of Western civilization? I can tell you this, though, the next few disasters will all be conjoined with a diabolical plot to conquor the world. No, its not some evil supervillian with a giant laser beam, its something much more sinister. The racoons and the cats have joined forces. That's right, the Racoons, the cute, fuzzy, devious masked bandits of suburbia, have joined forces with the Cats, the cute, fuzzy, mouse-chomping pets of mankind, to rule the world. Through their combined might, they will destroy entire power grids, cause environmental catastrophies, tip over garbage cans, and covertly win our hearts until they are in total control. I suggest not fighting it, especially since racoons are much more competent at global politics and macroeconomics than humans.
RedXIII wishes to know:
"Will the Terran Hegemony be reborn?"
The Great Dashukta MasterLeans Back and Lets Out a Mighty Belch:
Another BattleTech Question, eh? Hmm, well, the answer is yes, but it won't be called the "Terran Hegemony." Instead, it will be known throughout the galaxy as "Coolodonia" and Terra will be renamed "Radicalville"

Funky Wants To Know: 6/1/03
"What grade will I get on these subjects...and, remember, its Scottish Higher exams, not american stuff...
Modern Studies
The Great Dashukta Master Yawns His Mighty Yawn:
Well, that depends on how much and how well you studied as well as how well you are at taking exams. I have confidence in you, so I'll say you will do perfectly fine in these three subjects, but that dosen't mean you should stop studying. This predinction will only come true if you make it.
JadeHellbringer Quipps:
"Dakushta, will the Battletech movie be worth the money to see it when/if it comes out, or is it a waste of eight bucks for even the most diehard CBT fan?"
The Great Dashukta Master Munches Down A Granola Bar And Answers:
When it comes out, it will be worth the cash only if at some point in the movie we get to see an Atlas rip an AgroMech apart with its bare hands (and will be worth multiple viewings if we then see the Atlas get pile driven into the ground by a CBT Atlas).

JadeHellbringer Requests the Knowledge: 6/8/03
"Will a Clan ever actually make it to Terra, and if so will the French surrender to them;
The Great Dashukta Master Pats the Asker on the Head:
Well, if a clan did make it to Terra, then the writers would be at a loss to direct the rest of the fiction. Such an event would cause the total downfall of the entire CBT fanbase, resulting in global chaos and strife. But, no, the French would not surrender to them, as the clans would insist on forcing their language on the French, and we all know how pissy that would make them. .
Lanceman Quipps:
"Why was the Hatamoto Chi created? I mean the Thug was the exact same thing, but had Double Heatsinks?"
The Great Dashukta Master Sighs his Mighty Sigh:
Because the game designers felt the game needed a "japanese" influence--more so than it already had, so they made a new thug that looked like a giant samurai. As for the identical stats, well, that was a clerical error.
Icewraith Wants To Know:
"Are the Lyrans compensating for anything with their use/invention of large weapons (autocannon-20 class weapons and the HGR)?"
The Great Dashukta Master Shakes His Mighty Head:
What's with all the BattleTech questions this week? Who do I look like, Randall Bills? No, the Lyrans aren't compensating for anything besides their incredibly large egos. Egos so large, they are matched only by some BattleTech fanatics..

Funky wishes to know: 6/22/03
"If a hydrogen atom and a dueterium atom combine in atomic fusion, and the relative atomic mass of a nuetron is 1, then how closely related am I to my fathers fathers mothers sons brothers daughter?"
The Great Dashukta Master Opens His Mighty Mouth and Speaks:
Well, let's see now. If the strong nuclear force is sufficient to overcome the binding energy of the duterium-hydrogen fusion, resulting in a light isotope of Helium, then taking into consideration the temporal low-level foaming of the space-time continuum and given the existance of Einstein-Rosenberg tunnels in such foaming, than she's your second cousin once removed. See, piece of cake.
Lanceman Requests the Knowledge:
"What does enky big generate mean?"
The Great Dashukta Master Booms in His Voice That Makes Little Woodland Creatures Scurry for Cover:
Forty-one. You're close but not quite there.

Marauderch Requests of His Coolness: 7/20/03
"A co-worker's X- boyfriend wants to beat me up. Does violence solve anything?"
The Great Dashukta Master Removes His Ultra-Cool Sunglasses and Speaks In His Cool Voice:
Well, violence can certainly solve things. It may not solve things so that the outcome is favorable to all parties, however. To illustrate, I'll use your scenario: if this person's ex beats you to a pulp and you never look "that way" at the individual in question again, the ex's problems will be solved. Yours won't, but his will. Of course, you could then try to solve your problems via violence and return the favor, but that would open up new problems for the ex, that he could solve with more violence. And thus it continues until one or both parties are dead--and then they don't have any problems at all. And now if you'll excuse me, I have to catch up on my being cool.

Funky wants to Know: 8/8/03
"Will Sarah's IQ ever rise any higher than that of a weed I cut down yesterday?"
The Great Dashukta Master Strokes His Mighty Chin:
Well, I've never met the girl, but taking into account the lack of neural pathways in most garden-variety weeds and assuming this Sarah is a human, then probably not.
Lanceman Requests the Knowledge:
"Will Funky ever grow to have any faith in humanity?"
The Great Dashukta Master Looks Up From His Very Interesting Book:
Maybe if you knocked him around with a flounder a few times.
Lanceman Pipes Up Again:
"Oh hey one more question please:
Will the 2nd Ceti Hussars survive the Jihad?"
The Great Dashukta Master Pokes a Stick at Some Mud then Answers:
Though the BattleTech Jihad may not be the direct cause for the deaths of all the members of the unit in question, the characters will all die and be replaced with new characters so that ultimately the unit, though it has the same name, will be different than it was before. So yes and no.
Daishi3050 Quipps:
"Will the great Dashukta ever have a post with more than 10 replies?"
The Great Dashukta Master Makes a Series of Strange Grunting Noises:
You mean on the CBT message board? Not likely. Unless, of course, the board members suddenly get very curious.
Marauderch Beggs the Insite:
"My girlfriend is pregnant, will she give birth to a boy or a girl?"
The Great Dashukta Master Languidly Munches on His Potato Chips:
Not again! I already had to answer this question for Phacade. Well, here, lwt me get my coin... Girl.
Mr Peanut909 Gets a Little Fiesty:
"First off...who the [naughty] are you??!?!?!
WHY the [naughty] are you asking for my questions??!
oh...why the [naughty] are you still a private on the forum if you say youve been here a long time??!?!!?
who the [naughty] appointed you "crusty guru"???
if someone did who the [naughty] are they??!!?
who the [naughty] are you??!?!?!
OH and WHY they [naughty] are you trying to be a self appointed Magic 8 Ball??!!
Do the Magic 8 Ball people know you doing this shit?!?!?
Well since your a wannabe magic 8ball is it okay if i shake you violently????:P! hahahah!!!!!!
if i dropped you would you crack open and ooze some black liquid??
If your a self appointed guru where the [naughty] is your mountain located???
Oh and where the [naughty] do you find a Chicken dance squad??? Do they put on [naughty] shows every day?? if so is there a mattinae' if you go before 6pm???
Do they have a snack bar? is it expensive?? should i smuggle my own snacks in?? WIll someone finally offer me a piece of smuggled in HOME MADE FRIED CHICKEN???? damn i hate that!! Going to a movie and smelling fried chicken that is still hot and seeing the person in the seat next to you chowing down but trys to ignore me when he notices that im staring and pointing to a drumstick, that just sucks!!!!!
I mean if i brought some Fried Chicken or homemade burritos to the theater I would take a few extra incase the other movie goer next to me wants some!!!! I mean damn ...SHARE!!!!!! we are all in the same fight against those sleazy movie theaters and thier $10 nachos!!!!!
Can you answer that magic 8 ball...i mean ..what was your name again?:) hahahahah"
The Great Dashukta Master Booms in His Mighty Voice that Scares Little Fishies:
Ok, first off take a deep breath. Inhale.... exhale....good. Second of all, you must be new at this, or you would already know that I'm way better than some lame magic 8-ball. My answers are considerably longer and full of half-truths and snazzy wittacisms. Not to mention words like "snazzy," wich you never find in a magic 8-ball. Anyway, I am the Great Dashukta Master, if you haven't figgured that one out already, and I'm not asking for your questions--that's just my P.R. guy. I'm happy to just sit in my reclining chair, eat snacks, fart occasionally, and startle little woodland creatures. But apparantly, being a Great Dashukta Master means I am obliged to bestow my infinate wit and wisdom with the less Dashukta-inclined persons of this galaxy. No one really appointed me guru, it just kinda happened 'cause I'm just so good. The magic 8-ball people have nothing on me and only wish they could mathch my versitility and incomprehensiable coolness. But no, you may not shake me violently, as it will only result in a rather unpleasant sensation for you, and I don't crack when I am dropped, though I do make an odd "flump" sound. Regarding the mountain bit, you're obviously out of touch with the guru business--no guru has sat on a mountain top since The Great Frappinistrap Master discovered the luxuries of air-conditioning and over-stuffed lounge chairs. Chicken dance squads can frequently be found in small cheep apartments in run-down neighborhoods where they are constantly ridiculed by the more numerous though less well-known Sparrow Shuffle Squads. If you approach them, they would be happy to perform a show at any time of day, though most do not ofer matinee prices, as they normally don't do enough shows in an aerage year to even pay for a frozen burrito you could hammer nails with. Most squads do operate their own snackbars to try and bouyey up their bottom line (and buy two frozen burritos you could hammer nails with), but I really wouldn't reccomend the food. And finally, no, no one is ever going to offer you smuggled fried chicken in a theatre. Maybe if you helped them smuggle it in, they might share the bounty (and if they don't share with you after you help them smuggle it in, whap them with a frozen burrito you could hammer nails with). Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go generally annoy random African megafauna.

Funky Quipps: 8/24/03
"Does it annoy you that I've asked a question almost every time for the what, 5 updates?"
The Great Dashukta Master Heaves His Great Chest In and Out Like a Great Bellows Before Bursting Out With An Incrediable Belch:
Nah, actually its kind of nice getting questions on a regular basis. It gives me something to do other than sit around and poke things with pointy sticks. Keep it up. And if you could, don't move for a couple seconds while I find a stick.
Worktroll Requests the Knowledge:
"Other than a continental program of assassinations, how can we end up with more Ice Hellion supporters on the boards, than Davionista?"
The Great Dashukta Master Takes A Long Sip of His Dr. Pepper Before Answering:
More BattleTech, eh? Well, you could always try a comprehensive campaign of brainwashing to turn all the Kurita and Ghost Bear supporters to your side. That ought to even the odds some.
Worktroll Also Wants to Know:
"How could anyone fail to acknowledge the inherent rightness of the Crusader cause, after that example of the finest the Inner Sphere has to offer?"
The Great Dashukta Master Scratches Several Places All At Once:
Its called "selective blindness," and its the same tactic used by political and idealistic extreemists when they don't want to face the truth.
Lanceman Pipes Up:
"Been back at school for three days now. Football practice after school is killing me, and soon the homework load is probably send me down into a horrid spiral of insanity. My question is: How do I keep myself from going insane?"
The Great Dashukta Master Fashions a Stylish Newspaper Hat and Strikes His Napoleon Pose:
The bast way to avoid insanity is to make people think you are insane already. If people think you are insane, they will try to create a situation to "bring you back into the fold" and "help th poor kid." If you can get them to remove you from the school and put you in a nice cooshey room with no homework and regular meals, then problem solved. Try acting in irrational manners while not actually doing anything irrational and weating hats made out of tin foil. Writing odes to peanut butter and doing wild dances around a mashed potatoes mound in the caffeteria can be effective as well.
Marauderch Speaks Up With the Question:
"Who will win the Battletech Fantasy Football league?"
The Great Dashukta Master Pokes Marauderch With a Pointey Stick:
No one will. The concept will be thrown by the wayside and forgotten before the season is completed. But the Wolf-in-Exile supporters will win next year's fantasy polo league.

JadeHellbringer Wants to Know: 9/7/03
"Great Dashukta, who's knowledge exceeds that of an entire warehouse of woozles...
I must ask you two questions, your excellence. First of all, when the new Dark Age set (Jade Falcon) comes out next year, will it be worth the time to try to get or will I get more Agro-mechs and such?
Secondly, your greatness... wait, what exactly IS a Dashukta? I mean, you're a great one, but...
OK, the real second question- with the NHL season looming, will my Boston Bruins finally break a thirty-two year curse and win the Stanley Cup?
Thank you for your time, your omnipotence."
The Great Dashukta Master Ponders These Questions, Then Ponders All Sorts of Other Cool Stuff:
Woozles? Um, ok. First, you will continue to get lots and lots of AgroMechs, that's just the way of things. Second, not this year. And finally, a Dashukta isn't so much a thing or a person as a state of mind. I am the master of Dashukta, not a Dashukta. But I won't go into too much detail on the whole Dashukta thing right now. I have other questions to answer and I want to get back to my spoon collection.
Funky Quipps:
"If a moron falls on his ass, and nobody cares, does he make a sound?
And.. If the number of idiots on the planets outnumber the intellgent people by about, oh, 99.999% idiots and the rest smart, whats the odds of the survival of the human race?
Oh, and how many edits did this require to get the spelling correct?"
The Great Dashukta Master Guzzles A 6-pack of Dublin Dr. Pepper and Belches:
You people are in a multi-question mood this week, huh? Ok, first, yes, the moron would make much noise, and only succeed in annoying those around him who still would not care. Second, your estimate of idiot percentage is off by a considerable margin, the correct percentage is more like 0.98*10^-3271 intelligent and the rest idiots, but I'll assume you were rounding, but the odds of survival are quite good. The human race will eventually be too stupid to die and forget how.
As for the spelling question, do you mean my spelling or yours? Mine, I never check--nor do I care. Yours, well, you were about one edit too few (check your spelling of intelligent).
bbunny45 Pipes Up:
"Ok. I'm sure that you had this before, but I did not see the answer.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck; if a woodchuck could chuck wood? And why is it called a woodchuck if it can't chuck wood in the 1st place? Shouldn't it be called the non-woodchucking chuck?"
The Great Dashukta Master Gets Up Out of His Lay-Z-Boy and Harasses a Couple Squirrels Before Paying Some Kid to Do It For Him:
I have already answered that question. Funky asked that way back in April. The answer was 3.228 feet per minute with certain allowances. Now, you should know that the "woodchuck" is just a common name. You may even know the critter by its more widespread name, the "groundhog." In either case, you could just ignore the entire woodchucking controversy and just call it a Marmota monax like any good scientist, or you could call it a "Punxsutawney Phil" or a "fuzzball" or even "supper" if you're hungry enough, but they don't have much meat on them.
SwordsofFire Opens His Big Mouth:
"Why is it that if all men were created equal that we Americans and Australians?"
The Great Dashukta Master Opens His Bigger Mouth, and After Consuming Large Ammounts of Garlic To Boot:
Um, did you suffer a temporary brain relapse there or something? That's not even a complete sentence. "that we Americans and Austrailians" what? Where's your verb? where's your direct object? where's your english--or Austrailian-- teacher? What is the sum of 2 and 2? Oh, wait, wrong subject. But after gleening as much as I can from your string of letters, I will say this: the saying only says we are created equal, not that we all grow up equally or live equally, or die equally, or anything about the obvious superiority of the raccoons.
bbunny45 Speaks Again:
"Wait I have another question.
If in an insane world only the sane seems insane, then am I sane?
And one more.
If a cats has kittens in the oven, does it make them biscuits?
Ok no more until I have a few more beers. Wait, ok how many more beers will I have? "
The Great Dashukta Master Builds A Large Elaborate Sandcastle Then Pokes It With A Stick:
Sane is relative, as those who are not in the general trend of things are the ones considered insane, so if insane was the general trend, as implied by your question, then the sane would be considered the insane and vice versa. Considering your name is bbunny45, and your second question regards kittens being biscuits, its probably safe to assume that you are not in the general trend, and therefore are insane unless insanity is the general trend in which case you would be sane. So yes. you are not sane. Oh this is insane. Why not just go read Catch-22? But kittens in the oven? No they would not be biscuits, though you could name one or more of them "biscuit," which would be a rather cute cat name, but the kittens sure would be nice and toasty. Finally, you will not have any more beers, as recently all the beer was replaced by a substance not quite entirely unlike beer, though is still labeled "beer" as a cost-cutting measure by the beer manufacturers who have decided it is actually cheaper for them not to actually make beer. Insane, you may ask? Well, considering its not the general trend then yes--or no. But then again, maybe it IS the general trend...
JadeHellbringer Requests Guidance:
"Oh Great Dashukta, whose wisdom is only matched by his smell... My preferred ride in Battletech is a Turkina... should I consider a transfer to a Blood Asp if it comes up? What would you do? "
The Great Dashukta Master Fails To Ride A Horse, But Succeeds In Cracking A Few Ribs, And Replies:
Smell? My Smell? You try being an omnipotent guru of total coolness and finesse answering questions all the time and see how YOU smell? Ok, so the mothball necklace probably dosen't help, but you must admit, it isquite stylish. Anyway, on to your BattleTech question. Um, Nah, don't bother. In fact, why don't you downgrade to an UrbanMech. Just think of it as a challenge. If you can do just as well in an Urbie as a Turkey--erm--Turkina, then you can consider yourself a really good MechWarrior. Or at least a darn lucky one. What would I do? I'd drop the 'Mechs, jump to a parallel universe and hijack a Death Star, plug up that stupid vent shaft, beef up the targeting system on the TurboLasers and whoop some butt. But that's just me.

Wombat Squeeks: 9/20/03
"My question is this. This was a real exam question. If a train left Boston traveling approx 70mph and another train leaving Los Angeles was traveling 60 mph, where would they meet? And would they meet at all since the railroad system has several possible paths to get from one place to another? And to further complicate things, the train leaving Boston and the train leaving Los Angeles was never stated in the exam question as heading for the opposite cities. Or is this an exercise in futility and should I just get another Pepsi from the refrigerator?"
The Great Dashukta Master Buys A Train Ticket and Scalps It for Mucho Denero:
Well, let's see. Considering the number of towns the trains would have to pass through, allowing time for refueling, and opposing train traffic, your hypothetical trains would most likely meet around Rome--since that's where all roads lead to. And don't give me that "its a railroad track, not a road" business, I know what I'm talking about. Therefore, they wouldn't need to be heading in the same direction nor along the same route, as they'll both end up in the same place anyway. Futile? Certainly, especially since you're drinking Pepsi. I reccomend Dr. Pepper.
JadeHellbringer Opens His Mouth:
"Oh Dashukta, who's IQ is known to be slightly greater than my shoe size...
I have changed over from Clan Jade Falcon and have become a Widowmaker. I must ask you- what do you see in the future for my new Clan?"
The Great Dashukta Master Attempts To Catch Popcorn Thrown into The Air, Gives Up And Proceeds To Chunk It At Passers-by:
Wow, you must have enormous feet. Are you the love-child of a Hobbit and a Wookie? You do realize that changing your clan to the Widowmakers will require you to change your name, as you are no longer jade. But "BlackHellbringer" or "WidowHellbringer" just don't quite have the same catchyness. But back to your question: Your clan will be obliterated by a small band of ill-tempered prairie dogs. Really, it will!
WorkTroll Wants Pulls Out His Thesaurus And Writes:
"Oh Dashukta Master, whose latent and garrulous ommiscience clearly derives from oneiromantic and esoteric gnostic rituals of great abstruseness,
Please explain the Silence of the Mods, and why it appears to have broken in the last couple of days. "
The Great Dashukta Master Blows His Mighty Nose and Causes a Small Avalanche:
Rituals of great abstruseness...well call my coin flipping whatever you want, but the mods are just gearing up for a massive banning campaign. Or maybe they just don't see anything going on that they feel the need to interfere in. Hey, it could happen. Being a guru, I don't take much interest in the tribulations of the message boards, unless it means more questions for me to answer.
JadeHellbringer Speaks Again:
"One more question and I'll shut up- is it true, Oh Dashukta, that you're really Anastasius Focht? :P"
The Great Dashukta Master Pats His Loyal Follower On The Head, Causing Said Follower to Be Three Inches Shorter And Have Cronic Back Problems:
I guess this is the problem with advertising on a BattleTech message board--I get flooded with BattleTech questions. How about this? Next person who asks me a non-BattleTech related question gets a personal poking with a pointy stick by myself. Also, I notice how you people always ask questions about me, mostly ones involving who or what I am. But no, I am not Anastasius Focht. I have nothing in common with the guy. I mean, he's even fictional and I'm the real deal. Plus, I don't see him with a "Certified Crusty Old Guru" plaque over his fireplace.
Funky Stands and Is Counted:
"Oh Great Dashukta, who's might mental mettle is matched only by his magnificent meat-based pie products...
What is JadeHellbringers shoe size?
Is anti-persperent spray better than deoderant for day-to-day hygene use?
Do you really have a cane?
Will..."she" ever like me? "
The Great Dashukta Master Gives Funky The Promised Personal Poking With a Pointy Stick:
Nice alliteration, Funky. But how did you know about my soon to be released brand of "Hoypec's Portable Taco Meat in a Can With its Own Spork?" Oh, wait, its not that much of a secret. It's promised to be the greatest meat by-product since Spam. Anyway, on to your questions:
The Jaded One's shoe size depends on how you measure it. I prefer using the Garfunkian Nonlinear Meter, by which his shoesize numbers in the 42*10^47288831194232 range (give or take a few 10^4888291's).
The spray is not any better than the roll-on, nor the stick, but it will make a better flamethrower for those times when small rodents invade your house. As an ultra-cool guru, I normally don't have time for such trivial things, though.
No, I do not have a cane, but I do have a pointy stick.
"she" as in the crazy old woman who lives down the street and peeks suspiciously out of her windows at passers-by? Maybe if you keep using the deodorant.
Marauderch Asks the Question:
"If Jade Hellbringer jumps to a parallel universe and brings back the Death Star, will he be Darth Vader and who will be Luke Skywalker, Funky?"
The Great Dashukta Master Skips A Couple Stones Across A Pond:
Ummmmm, no. He would be a Vader Wannabe. There can be only one Darth Vader, and JadeHellbringer would not be it. As for Skywalker, his character would be recast from Mark Hamill to Newt Gingrich. So it would really be a bad idea.
Red Comet Pipes Up:
"Oh Dashukta Master.....
What do you call a man who thinks he is a woman so he dress in drag but also think he is a lesbian so he dates women?"
The Great Dashukta Master Blinks His Mighty Eyes:
I would call him Betty. And he would call me Al.
JadeHellbringer Speaks Out Again:
"JadeHellbringer here, once again seeking the wisdom of the ancients... I was skeet shooting last week, and I wondered; Should I bother shooting clay pigeons in the air as I have been, or should I wait until they hit the ground, THEN run up and shoot it?
Also, can I be the assistant to the Dashukta? Your picture shows you to be wise beyond even your years, but you are an old man, and seem to be in need of much help with your wisdom spouting. May I ask the wise, wrinkled one for an application?"
The Great Dashukta Master Chases A Frog Into A Swamp And Counts Its Warts:
Don't even bother waiting until they hit the ground. Just shoot them while they sit helpless in their box waiting to be tossed skywards. Or, you could replace the clay pigeons with plastic pelicans. Oh! You could fill the pelicans with candy and use them as pinatas, then run out into the field and try to catch the candy as it rains down from the blasted plastic carcass.
As for your second question, I'll turn it over to my assistant:
The Not-So-Great Dashukta Master Practices Archery On Pink Lawn Flamingos And Stray Garden Gnomes:
I'm afraid the position of assistant guru has been filled. I haven't quite decided on a name yet that does justice to my own coolness (Mini-Dashukta just doesn't cut it). Any ideas? We look forward to your creative or not-so-creative ideas. As for the Dashukta's age, the illustration was done by an admirer of the Dashukta's writing who, certain that such wisdom could only come to one of advanced years, depicted the Dashukta Master as old. (It's also better for marketing purposes.) No one knows exactly how old he is since he was raised in the woods by a family of raccoons from who he learned his great knowledge.
SwordsofFire Does The Funky Chicken: 9/28/03
"Why is it that when it rains I am always outside, surrounded by large trees, and a mile from my umbrella?"
The Great Dashukta Master Does the Tango Alone, 'Cause He's Just That Good:
Maybe you shouldn't spend so much time wandering around aimlessly in the woods armed only with a shiney rock and a beaver-skin loincloth. Oh, wait, that was me. Have you been copying my methods again--or are you spying on me? But here's some advice: next time you go outside, take an umbrella with you, or better yet take several. They make great walking-sticks, and can be utilized as a moderately efficient parachute should you take a nasty tumble off an unexpected cliff. I've even been known to use them to propell myself through the air by rapidly opening and closing them.
JadeHellbringer Dances Around Like A Constipated Wiener Dog:
"Great Dashukta, who's mental power is matched only by the smell of his socks, I must ask of you- on October 7, my sister turns 21 years of age, and will commence mass consumption of alcohol that night. Do you have any recommendations for a slightly evil older brother as far as a mean drink to buy the poor child? Your wisdom is sought after in this matter!"
The Great Dashukta Loads a Super-Soaker with Ex-Lax:
Hey, I washed my socks just last decade! As for your sis, you COULD get her smashed on Jack Daniel's, or a Steiner PPC, or to be even more evil, you could give her some disgusting non-alcoholic beverage like prune juice or Mountain Dew and tell her it is alcoholic, thus convincing her after sloshing back a few dozen of these blanks that she can hold her liquor "real good." Then, the next time she goes out drinking, and has REAL alcohol, she will get totally wasted in short order, resulting in extreme embarassment, especially with the help of some of her more mischevious--or drunk--friends. Now, I should say now that I, the Great Dashukta Master, do not condone mass consumption of alcohol or the irresponsible utilization of any liquid substance. After all, why bother with the intoxicating effects of alcohol, and the inevitable hangover, when one can get plenty loopy from M&M's and Dublin Dr. Pepper? And if you're even more daring, you could throw Doritos into the mix. I don't know if I'll EVER live THAT one down. And if you REALLY want to simulate the disorientation associated with the consumption of alcohol, just try watching the Back to the Future movies in reverse!
Swords of Fire Waves His Sword Around, Catches His Hair on Fire, and Demands:
"What is a Lemming?
What is the Difference Between Sanity and Insanity?
The Fountain of Youth is well known, but where are the Fountains of Old Age
and Drunkenness?
Why is that a Spellchecker is not included on the CBT forums?
Why is it that the pen is more powerful than the gun, and yet the Gun solves
all known conflicts?
All men are created equal, but what about women?
Why is it that we send Goldfish down the toilet when that leads to the
septic tank?"
The Great Dashukta Master Dumps A Glass Of Alcohol On Sword's Head And Laughs Hysterically Before Dousing The Flames With Kool-aid:
Ahh, another round of questions from the People of Earth. How quaint. You people certainly are obsessed with small furry rodents, aren't you. Woodchucks, groundhogs, and now Lemmings.
Lemmus lemmus, or the Norway Lemming is a fuzzy little burrowing critter from the extreme north-west of Europe. Think of them as Viking Prairie Dogs.
The difference is the prefix.
The Fountain of Old Age is in the general vacinity of Daytona Beach, Florida. How else would you explain the high numbers of retirees? There are actually many Fountains of Drunkenness, mostly located in and around college campuses.
If you want to program one, go right ahead, but I doubt anyone would use it. Internet users are generally too lazy and message board users seem to care more about post quantity than quality.
No, no, no, the pen is mightier than the sword, not the gun. If you really wanted to, you could try to shoot a pen out of a gun, though. It may not be as lethal as a bullet, but it would hurt like the dickens. Furhermore, the gun dosen't solve ALL known conflicts. A gun certainly does no good in solving that age-old dilemma of whether to have the plain or peanut M&M's with your Dr. Pepper. You could throw both bags into the air and shoot randomly, and whichever bag you don't hit is the one you eat, but the Law of Infinite Improbability in Ridiculous Situations clearly states that the bullet would be guaranteed to pass through both bags, thus ruining your cholocate fix. Either that, or the bullet would miss both M&M bags and hit the Snickers. I can never remember which it is.
They're certainly born equal to each other. Their equality to men is another matter entirely. Of course, we all know that raccoons are vastly superior to both men and women, and all of those who do not know that will know it as soon as the global takeover is complete.
That's an easy one. The septic tank is actually a quite complex quantum flux capacitor device which acts as a crude space-time teleporter whenever goldfish tissue is detected in its vacinity. Using energy derived from the decomposition of solid wastes, the tank automatically teleports all deceased goldfish to a secret facility in Kentucky, euphemistically referred to as the "Happy Swimming Grounds" or the "Big Fishbowl In the Sky" (though it is actually very much earth-bound). At this facility, raccoon agents decode the data recorder bioengineered into the caudal fin of the goldfish thereby gathering essential intelligence for their covert campaign of global conquest.

Helaman Gets A Bump on the Head: (date lost)
"eeerrrrr.... who are you again?"

The Great Dashukta Master Puts Down the Sledge-O-Matic:
I am the owner of several shiny stones, and you?
JadeHellbringer Raises His Hand and Goes "Ooh Ooh Pick me!":
"Oh Great Dashukta, whose knowledge is surpassed only by his collection of empty Pepsi bottles... I bear but two questions for your intelligent-ness... yeah.
First of all- how did you become so smart? I mean, did you just read a lot of books as a kid, or are you spiritually enlightened, or perhaps you got hit in the head with an encyclopedia really hard?
Second, a BT question. How would you go about destroying one of the munchy combinations of an assault chassis with a targeting computer and pulse lasers? We have debated it much, but we need the opinion of the great one himself to complete the discussion. "

The Great Dashukta Master Guzzles a Dr. Pepper:
Pepsi? Pepsi?! We don't need no stinkin' Pepsi! Those are Dr. Pepper bottles, thank YOU! Get it right next time, or I'll stuff you in one, with a little wooden pirate ship to boot!
By what measure are we measuring my intelligence--oh wait, I'm an all-knowing guru on any scale. I did get hit in the head with an encyclopedia as a kid--well not an encyclopedia exactly, more of a guidebook. Last I remember was the words "Don't Panic" flashing before my eyes. Thank goodness it was the electronic version, and not the hardcopy! That's not the reason I'm so gosh-darned mind-bendingly bright, however. I attribute that to long hours of meditation, being so gosh-darned cool, and a little book I picked up a few years back. I think it was called "How To Succeed As A Guru Without Really Trying." Didn't really teach me anything, just inspired we with the want to actually get off my bumm and BE the great guru I was, when I found out that I could have written the book MUCH better than those guru wannabees.
As to your second inquiry, you COULD swarm the field with thousands of infantry squads--they do 7 points of damage each. Or you could just simply outrange your opponent, or hey, even outmaneuver him! Or you could rig the dice, but then that wouldn't be sporting of you. Or, you could take on a munchy combination of an assault chassis with a TC and pulse lasers with your OWN munchy combination of an assault chassis with a TC and pulse lasers, but that wouldn't be as fun.
SwordsofFire Inquires Enlightnment:
"1) What exactly are magic mushrooms?
2) Where did the Smurfs go?"

The Great Dashukta Master Appears In A Blaze Of Incandescent Light:
Why, magic mushrooms are mushrooms endowed with magical powers, of course! Strictly mythological, but those who seek funky pseudoscience phenomena, who I like to call "Funky pseudoscience phenomena seekers," never seem to care much about what the funky fungi are exactly, just their intoxicating effects when sautéed with Supernatural Spinach. As for the Smurfs, they went to where all old children's cartoons go when they die--reruns. The reason they died? Too many magic mushrooms. Let this be a lesson to all you funky pseudoscience phenomena seekers out there, eat too many magic mushrooms, and you'll go into syndication.
Oh, and would someone please turn off the bloody spotlight?
questions for the week of 5/3/04
macsr01 Waggles His Tongue:
“If it takes a chicken and a half a day and a half to lay an egg and a half, how many days does it take a one legged squirrel to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle ????”
The Great Dashukta Master Winks His Mighty Eye:
Well, now if we’re talking Grade A eggs and halves, then our trusty squirrel, whom I shall nickname “Lucky,” will kick ‘em all out in 29.253391 hours, but if we upgrade to Jumbo size eggs, we can cut it down by 0.0000025 hours. Of course, brown eggs have more of an effect than standard white.
Wombat Delves For The Knowledge:
“Is Hitler still alive? And if so, did he ever shave that Charley Chaplin moustache off?”
The Great Dashukta Master Picks Up His Shovel:
Nah, Hitler died of an unfortunate and horrific “accident” involving a toaster, a bunch of bananas, a one-legged squirrel, and a metric ton of plaster in the apartment he shared with Elvis and Ethel Merman back in 1975. And right up to the end, he never lost the moustache, but he DID grow a rather snappy goatee.
Marauderch Waves His Arm In The Air Like A Third-grader With Bladder Issues:
“Who is more attractive, Pamela Anderson or Paris Hilton?”
The Great Dashukta Master Scratches His Nails Across the Blackboard:
Well, I’m more partial to gals with more than character than silicone. Ms. Anderson may have.. ahem… extensive assets…but hasn’t exactly shown the greatest taste. Ms. Hilton also hasn’t shown herself to be of particularly good stock, or to have particularly good taste in clothes. Between the two of them, I’m going to have to say Nancy Reagan’s got them both beat.
Norva1400 Talks With His Mouth Full:
“If Snickers really satisfies, why do they make a king size bar?”
The Great Dashukta Master Unwraps His Wonka Bar:
For that extra zing you can only get when there’s blood in your chocolate stream. Plus, when it comes to royalty, capitalism knows no bounds.
Hurlbut Hurls Out The Question:
“Who is the true life partner for the man; the Brunette, Blonde, Redhead, or Black hair woman?”
The Great Dashukta Master Kisses a Redheaded Woman and Responds:
Well now, laddie, that all depends on which one of those ladies is willing to scratch your back if you scratch hers.
JadeHellbringer Wonders Of The Wandering Wise One:
“Is it REALLY possible to cook a hot dog in a jet engine's exhaust?
If so, can you make me lunch?”
The Great Dashukta Master Stands Clear Of the Blast Area:
Oh, sure, the normal temperature of your standard run-of-the-mill jet engine exhaust will tastily toast your standard run-of-the-mill hotdog. Personally, I don’t like that high-octane aftertaste. I prefer to cook mine by holding them over an active lava flow. Kilauea makes particularly nice ones—just the right consistency lava for proper roasting. Volcano smores are quite a treat. And sure, I’ll make you lunch—just pay my way to Hawaii first.
Michael Kerensky Points An Accusing Finger:
“Is it true that the CBT Admins and Mods are building a secret computer system to take over the gaming industry and destroy the competition making CBT the only game available?”
The Great Dashukta Master Points A Pointy Stick:
Nah, that project was an attempt to make an operational BattleMech—a Linebacker if I’m not mistaken—to step on the other game companies’ headquarters. That plan was scrapped when they couldn’t decide what color to paint it.
Wombat Pokes His Head In Again:
“Why does my regular Pepsi have 25 Milligrams of Caffeine and yet my Pepsi One has 37 Milligrams of Caffeine (the same as Mountain Dew)?”
The Great Dashukta Skips A Stone Across A Pond While Guzzling a Dr Pepper:
Remember that caffeine is addictive. Now recall the taste of diet sodas. How else do you think they would be able to get anyone to drink more than one?
Clarke Marek Attempts To Glare Menacingly:
“Hi! I'm the worst you can get. Have you guessed me yet?”
The Great Dashukta Master Sings in The Rain:
You are an ingrown toenail? Geeze, have you got issues if you think you’re an ingrown toenail. Those things are nasty, always snagging on your sock, contracting gangrene, and causing general discomfort. I hate you.
Lanceman Waits On His Computer To Boot Up:
“Was abandoning Internet Explorer and switching to Mozilla FireFox a bad idea?”
The Great Dashukta Master Fires Up His Abacus:
Only if you didn’t get the optional cupholders.
Pagan Dances Around In A Circle:
“Just how does Wombat keep all of that stuff in his pouch anyways?”
The Great Dashukta Master Takes Incriminating Photos:
DuPont’s prototype super-expansive, super-expensive, super-explosive elastic. Very hush-hush. So hush-hush infact, even Wombat doesn’t know—until he reads this response

questions for the week of 7/31/04
Wombat Bounces Up An Down Waving His Paw Excitedly:
"What is the total size of all space taken up by every file in the world in terms of yottabytes?"
The Great Dashukta Cuts The Springs On The Trampoline:
Hmm, let's see. A Yottabyte is 2^80 bytes, an account for computers in the world... Hmm... Interesting... Well, it is not the ultimate quistion of life, the universe, and everything, I'll tell you that, but the answer might lead some persons down the wrong path to pan-universal enlightenment, as the answer is almost but not entirely unlike what happens if used coffee grounds are fed to a group of monkeys, each being provided with a generic solar caluclator, after statistically weeding out all the "err" messages.
Now if you were asking for YODAbytes, that would be a different story altogether.
IAmTheHawk Gets All In A Flap:
"How many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?"
The Great Dashukta Master Throws Some Water On The Situation:
No, no, no. Even with all the possible variables--size of tongue, osmotic potential of saliva, intensity and strength of licking, ambient temperature and humidity, flavor, lunal phase, and if Steve Irwin is on the same continent just to name a few--this is once again not the right ultimate question. This is the Ultimate Question of Indulgence, Sugar, and Hydrodynamic kinematics in 6 dimensions. The answer varies, but the mean for your average adult extant marsupial weasel-like critter from Ohio is approximately 43. Assuming you are just trying to reach the center by direct means and not totally expose the brown lump, at which point the number increases exponentially.
Rage Add His Two Cents:
"Why is a naked boy talking to an owl in that Tootsie Roll Pop commercial?"
The Great Dashukta Master Aptly Operates His Changebelt:
In order to keep her in practice--and on her toes--I'll turn this one over to my apprentice, The Great Dashukta Apprentice:
The Great Dashukta Master's Apprentice Puts Down Her Tootsie Pop:
He was being raised in the woods by the aforementioned marsupials of Ohio when he came upon a bag of tootsie roll pops that had been discarded as only the unpleasant flavors remained. Furthermore, his lack of clothing is a clever cultural statement on the desitude of the human condition when consuming refined sugars. However, for the purposes of the commercial, the lack of clothes is not a variable for number of licks, and therefore does not affect the statistical average.
JadeHellbringer Querrys The Curiosity:
"Oh Great Dashukta Master, whose wisdom is only surpassed by his collection of balls of lint... I must ask you this troubling question...
... When a tin of Altoids says they are 'curiously strong'... what the hell do they mean, 'curiously'?"
The Great Dashukta Master Checks His Breath Before Replying:
Hey, my wisdom vastly surpasses my lint ball collection! Especially after the Great Sneeze of '97. The advertisers of Altoids are wusses. When they cracked open a tin to try and get "inspiration" (their boss was watching over their shoulder), they were knocked aback by the strong smell. Most of the advertisers fled in terror, but one brave wuss--er--soul stayed behind. He quickly popped one in his mouth and found that despite the strong odor, the mint itself was rather weak, and provided little spark at all. "Oh my!" he exclaimed "Despite the strong odor, the mint itself is rather weak, and provides little spark at all! How curious!" He then had an epiffany, though his boss claimed it was gas and opened another tin. And thus the ad campaign that launched a thousand pokes with a pointy stick was born. The advertiser attempted to duplicate his success with other products, but was horribly and resoundly trounced by big thugs wearing gucci and all named Tony when he tried to pass off "Curiously Mild-Mannered" as a new ad-campaign for the Portuguese Mafia.
Cozmic Requests The Divination:
"Will my teeth ever stop hurting so I can friggin chew again?"
The Great Dashukta Master Snaps A Divining Rod Over His Mighty Knee:
In the cozmic sense, they never have hurt.
Swords of Fire Belches:
"How many CBT players are required to change a lightbulb?
Why does Steve Irwin have to be Australian?
Why does America have such bad beer?"
The Great Dashukta Master Snatches Away the Lukewarm Dr. Pepper:
The answer to all of these answers can be divinated at a single time from calculating the improbability factor of a cup of something almost but not entirely unlike ground veal spontaneously appearing in the middle of a meeting of the Portuguese Mafia while they are disucssing which Tony will be hired to beat the living persnickens out of some advertiser and divided by the answer to the Ultimate Question of Indulgence, Sugar, and Hydrodynamic kinematics in 6 dimensions, and then raised to the power of YODAbytes in a single strand of hair from a Asian elephant living in Sri Lanka named "Morty" collected on the third Tuesday after a blue moon in a year evenly divisible by 7, plus Pi, minus 14.5661, and divided by 2. The answer is the same as why cats are 'curiously' given to picking up and flinging cream pies at innocent bystanders, which is entirely due to the theory of plate tectonics.

thecheat dares make a noise with his mouth: 12/15/04
"If you mix pasta and anti-pasta would it destroy the universe or make a really tasty meal?"
The Great Dashukta Master Rouses from His Mighty Slumber:
Wow, what a nap. Sorry I’m late, folks. I got lazy. But, seeing as there is such a high demand for my services, I’ve graciously decided to reappear in a blaze of glory to destow my wisdom on you little mortals. Ok, so first answer: Hmm… Neither, really. The effects of mixing pasta and anti-pasta are only slightly less dire than the juxtaposition af a humidifier and a dehumidifier. Culinary physicists do not completely understand the reactions of these two elementary particles of pabulum, in part because of the drastic effects of boiling water on the system. Destruction of the universe is unlikely in any foreseeable circumstances, but the interaction COULD provide a handy power source for science-fiction intragalactic conveyance vessels.
DoctorPuck Raises waves his hand in the air like he just doesn’t care:
"How long will the NHL lockout last?"
The Great Dashukta Master Stops Poking a Non-descript Gelatinous Blob Long Enough to Listen:
The NHL lockout is a front. In reality, the entire league is removing itself from public view for training purposes. And no, I do not mean training for the next season. The NHL is actually a international group bent on world domination! Even the initials “NHL” stand not for “National Hockey League” but for “Neo-Hockey Liberation Front.” “Hockey,” you see, is an ancient term dating back Mesopotamia referring to a band of marauding bandits from the frozen lands of the north, who during a particularly cold winter, swept down to the ancient cities of Sumer, slaughtered the men, gave noogies to the cattle, hickeys to the women, helped little old ladies cross the wrong street, and generally were really bad houseguests. The Hockey were all but wiped out in the time of the Roman Empire, but had a brief comeback as a small sect within the Norse culture of the Middle Ages. Since the Renaissance, they’ve mostly been a sleeper-cell secret society. The evil masterminds of Hockey created the game we know today as “hockey” as a recruitment and training tool for their fearsome warriors. The NHL “lockout” is the final phase in their plans at which time their warriors are to be intensively trained in preparation for the next invasion. My sources say their target will be Dublin.
Wombat wiggles His widdle wips:
The Great Dashukta Master Tries His Dangdest to Avoid Baby-talk Alliterations in His Intro:
Em Cee A! Hah! Thought you could fool me, didn’t you.
thecheat delves deeper:
"Does the Great Dashukta Master really exist or is he really a figment of our collective pschyes we developed to explain the unexplainable...and where did I put my car keys?"
The Great Dashukta Master throws him a rope:
I think, therefore, I am hungry. Honestly though, I am the personification of the twisted mind of a bizarre college student. What? Don’t believe me? Ok, fine. I exist as a person, but my status as a guru is left up to the whim of the Great Galactic Snail. I am not the attempt of any conscious being or beings attempts to explain the unexplainable, but more of a medium through which the unexplainable is made equivocal. And like I told Wombat way back when, your keys are in the last place you will look, unless you found them already in which case they will be stolen by the car key gnomes shortly.