Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 5/15/05

Surveys Show No One Wants Surveys
By, Grey Opinion

In an amazing effort of worldwide cooperation pollsters, survey takers and gossips have combined their efforts to produce what is considered to be the ultimate in surveys, the First World Wide Survey on Surveys.
Shockingly the result that has everyone inside and outside of the opinion business talking is the result that states a whopping 87 percent of the millions of people surveyed (for exact numbers contact your local survey group and complete a survey, things are getting desperate) stated that they did not like participating in surveys.
While this was not initially a shock, 90 percent of all surveyed stated that they tended to ignore surveys, even those they participated in if they bothered to remember anything about them.
The stunning unpopularity of surveys has the opinion business in a panic. It was initially believed that if anyone found out about the lack of interest in the information they provide the entire system would collapse. However those of us confident in our trade realised, correctly, that even if we published this information no one would pay it the least attention.
Another interesting information regarding attitudes towards surveys were also discovered.
An amazingly low 45 percent stated that they found surveys too personal and probing to consider worthwhile. 34 percent stated that they considered the probing to be extremely helpful in making their opinions known and the remaining 21 percent emphatically stated “Eat my shorts” though this is consistent with evidence that those willing to participate in the survey hailed predominantly from the Bart Simpson generation.
It should also be noted that 65 percent stated that they considered opinion polls to be a parasitic waste of time and effort (this was not a question added by the survey builders, this is what people said!) and only 19 percent thought that there was anything worthwhile to be gained from surveys no matter how much they made the world a better place (okay, we did add this one).
Annoyingly in this same segment 78 percent stated “Don’t have a cow, man” again proving the strength and cooperation of the Bart Simpson generation.
No one can account for this discrepancy in numbers and to be honest no one really wants to.
Unfortunately only 44 percent were in favour of making surveys legally binding and 20 percent were steadfastly against it. Thankfully the remaining 36 percent stated “Yeah, whatever”, meaning that with just the right packaging something almost nobody cares about could start playing a major role in how we all live our lives.
This would be cause for much celebration amongst the survey community as it heralds a time of great power and would have immediately set off grand conspiracies to dominate the world through rigged opinion polls and the occasional public beating.
To our great misfortune we found that when asked similar questions about local and national government the numbers were exactly the same, meaning that someone had already beaten us to it.