Past Opinion Articles
Article for the week of 5/15/05
Surveys Show No One Wants Surveys
By, Grey Opinion
In an amazing effort of worldwide cooperation pollsters, survey takers
and gossips have combined their efforts to produce what is considered
to be the ultimate in surveys, the First World Wide Survey on Surveys.
Shockingly the result that has everyone inside and outside of the opinion
business talking is the result that states a whopping 87 percent of the
millions of people surveyed (for exact numbers contact your local survey
group and complete a survey, things are getting desperate) stated that
they did not like participating in surveys.
While this was not initially a shock, 90 percent of all surveyed stated
that they tended to ignore surveys, even those they participated in if
they bothered to remember anything about them.
The stunning unpopularity of surveys has the opinion business in a panic.
It was initially believed that if anyone found out about the lack of interest
in the information they provide the entire system would collapse. However
those of us confident in our trade realised, correctly, that even if we
published this information no one would pay it the least attention.
Another interesting information regarding attitudes towards surveys were
An amazingly low 45 percent stated that they found surveys too personal
and probing to consider worthwhile. 34 percent stated that they considered
the probing to be extremely helpful in making their opinions known and
the remaining 21 percent emphatically stated “Eat my shorts” though this
is consistent with evidence that those willing to participate in the survey
hailed predominantly from the Bart Simpson generation.
It should also be noted that 65 percent stated that they considered opinion
polls to be a parasitic waste of time and effort (this was not a question
added by the survey builders, this is what people said!) and only 19 percent
thought that there was anything worthwhile to be gained from surveys no
matter how much they made the world a better place (okay, we did add this
Annoyingly in this same segment 78 percent stated “Don’t have a cow, man”
again proving the strength and cooperation of the Bart Simpson generation.
No one can account for this discrepancy in numbers and to be honest no
one really wants to.
Unfortunately only 44 percent were in favour of making surveys legally
binding and 20 percent were steadfastly against it. Thankfully the remaining
36 percent stated “Yeah, whatever”, meaning that with just the right packaging
something almost nobody cares about could start playing a major role in
how we all live our lives.
This would be cause for much celebration amongst the survey community
as it heralds a time of great power and would have immediately set off
grand conspiracies to dominate the world through rigged opinion polls
and the occasional public beating.
To our great misfortune we found that when asked similar questions about
local and national government the numbers were exactly the same, meaning
that someone had already beaten us to it.