Past Opinion Articles
Article for the week of 4/23/05
Xphileís Tapes: Secrets Revealed III
By Grey Xphile
Right, this time I have something truly earth shattering to present to
you. This time itís going to be big, and noticeable, and not at all reassuring.
Not like that last one. Though I do have to admit, those burgers are good.
However this time Iíve got some real material, something you can all sink
your teeth into.
I managed to lure a psychic away from his protective minions. Not an easy
task, but just listen to this:
Grey Xphile: About time you turned up.
P: Yeah, yeah, yeah, youíve got the money? I donít do these private readings
GX: First I want a few confessions.
GX: It always amazes me how much psychics can be taken by surprise.
P: Look, I keep telling people, weíre not capable of seeing everything
before us, we see glimpses, hints. And even then the spirits have to be
willing to guide us. Which clearly they werenít owing to the presence
of a piece of scum like you.
GX: Tell me whatís in your pants.
P: What? No. Never. That probably qualifies as sexual harassment!
GX: I know youíre hiding something. Something so terrible not even your
reputation as a hack could survive.
P: I have no idea what youíre talking about, I am responsible for many
high quality hours of entertainment and information. I bring closure that
no standard source could possibly Ė
GX: I can see it now, poking through your pants. And if I can see it,
surely anyone else can.
P: Okay, I admit it! Weíve all got hairy, hairy legs. Each and every last
psychic on television is the same, male, female, young, old, it doesnít
matter! Our legs are so hairy that we were the basis for the Wookie costume!
George Lucas would have hired us to play the Wookies, except that weíre
all too damn small! It would be laughable and pathetic! Rank, upon rank
of short Wookies with knobbly knees! It would have been worse than Jar
GX: Uh, well, err, that was, shall we say, interesting. However that wasnít
really what I had contacted you about. I actually had information on your
other, uh, pants related issue.
P: What? Oh, that. Well this is a bit embarrassing really.
GX: Yeah, a bit uncomfortable.
P: The answer is no, we donít have microphones in our pants.
GX: Then what is that pointy thing by your knee?
P: That? Uh, itís a novelty wallet.
GX: Looks very microphony to be a wallet.
P: Novelty wallet. Besides, what would a microphone, which this isnít,
be doing in my pants? Itís not at all a logical part of any sort of psychic
or TV event.
GX: Actually, thatís the really interesting part Ė
P: Iím going now.
G: Hey, get back here!
I would continue but what follows is two hours of chase material that
is best summed up as a Benny Hill type experience, though a little less
It turns out that if you make girls chase after you in bikinis they hit
you really hard.