Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 3/21/05

Cake or Death
By, Grey Opinions

The recent announcement that seven out of ten cakes in Europe, Asia and the Americas have been laced with poison has caused a crisis unlike any the culprits likely expected. Though cake sales are down they have hardly stopped, with most people around the world willing to take the chance in order to have a slice of their favourite sweet treat.
This has lead to anyone selling cakes taking several precautions, the one step that all have taken is the use of waivers that place full responsibility for any injury or harm caused by consuming cake to be that of the buyer rather than the seller.
Coffeeshops and Desserthouses have stated that they have only taken these steps to protect themselves and to force the public to take greater responsibility for themselves.
To that end many cake vendors in the US and Canada have begun offering free guns or ammunition, though rarely both, to consumers, though only after the legally mandated waiting period.
While government agencies around the world have attempted to limit sales of cake they have reckoned without consumer demand. Increased hawking of ice cream has had limited impact, especially as more and more cake is being consumed with ice cream.
Cookies have failed to grab more than their normal share of the market, and other dairy or ice based products have failed to satisfy the sweet tooth of the average citizen.
World Leaders have also failed to take heed to the risk, with Presidents, monarchs and mad scientists alike choosing to risk their lives rather than give up some of their favourite foods. Though the majority of mad scientists have revived the old tradition of having dwarves taste their foods for them, leading to an upswing in underling and lackey employment rates.
Businesses have been swift to add to their customer service menus optional medical personnel in case someone does consume a poisoned cake and wishes to be resuscitated. Though there are no guarantees one way or another as to which cakes are poisoned customers generally see the wisdom of this service, even if only the richest can afford it, turning this into yet another status symbol of café culture.
The extra cost of this service has not made it any less popular, though major franchises such as Starbucks are offering complimentary antidotes to the three most common poisons found in cake, as a form of pity on it’s less wealthy customers.
Some groups continue to lobby for the cessation of cake sales, however when the Irish government attempted a nationwide cake ban they faced protests and threats unlike any since the IRA started line dancing on Wednesdays.
These groups continue to argue that life is more important than cake. These are also groups that argue that eating is not just for fun and that bikini beach volleyball is an actual sport.
Meanwhile several groups have attempted to claim responsibility for the cake tainting, however no one is paying much attention to them as cake is far more important than politics.