Past Opinion Articles
Article for the week of 3/21/05
Cake or Death
By, Grey Opinions
The recent announcement that seven out of ten cakes in Europe, Asia and
the Americas have been laced with poison has caused a crisis unlike any
the culprits likely expected. Though cake sales are down they have hardly
stopped, with most people around the world willing to take the chance
in order to have a slice of their favourite sweet treat.
This has lead to anyone selling cakes taking several precautions, the
one step that all have taken is the use of waivers that place full responsibility
for any injury or harm caused by consuming cake to be that of the buyer
rather than the seller.
Coffeeshops and Desserthouses have stated that they have only taken these
steps to protect themselves and to force the public to take greater responsibility
To that end many cake vendors in the US and Canada have begun offering
free guns or ammunition, though rarely both, to consumers, though only
after the legally mandated waiting period.
While government agencies around the world have attempted to limit sales
of cake they have reckoned without consumer demand. Increased hawking
of ice cream has had limited impact, especially as more and more cake
is being consumed with ice cream.
Cookies have failed to grab more than their normal share of the market,
and other dairy or ice based products have failed to satisfy the sweet
tooth of the average citizen.
World Leaders have also failed to take heed to the risk, with Presidents,
monarchs and mad scientists alike choosing to risk their lives rather
than give up some of their favourite foods. Though the majority of mad
scientists have revived the old tradition of having dwarves taste their
foods for them, leading to an upswing in underling and lackey employment
Businesses have been swift to add to their customer service menus optional
medical personnel in case someone does consume a poisoned cake and wishes
to be resuscitated. Though there are no guarantees one way or another
as to which cakes are poisoned customers generally see the wisdom of this
service, even if only the richest can afford it, turning this into yet
another status symbol of café culture.
The extra cost of this service has not made it any less popular, though
major franchises such as Starbucks are offering complimentary antidotes
to the three most common poisons found in cake, as a form of pity on itís
less wealthy customers.
Some groups continue to lobby for the cessation of cake sales, however
when the Irish government attempted a nationwide cake ban they faced protests
and threats unlike any since the IRA started line dancing on Wednesdays.
These groups continue to argue that life is more important than cake.
These are also groups that argue that eating is not just for fun and that
bikini beach volleyball is an actual sport.
Meanwhile several groups have attempted to claim responsibility for the
cake tainting, however no one is paying much attention to them as cake
is far more important than politics.