Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 3/5/05

David Hasselhoff Reports All is Well in German Music Scene
By Grey Entertainment

In what has been called the single most ridiculous announcement since the “Just Kidding” statement made by Ronald Reagan to excuse nearly starting World War Three with Australia, David Hasselhoff has declared that the German music industry is all clear and not under any undue influence.
Hasselhoff, star of several US television series, much to the amazement of everyone, has a career as a rock star in Germany, a career so strong it is said that it would take the combined powers of three German Zombie Elvis’ to make him sweat.
The accusations of bias and cover-up came swiftly as evidence of Hasselhoff’s suppression and assimilation of German rock groups was confiscated. Human rights organisations are scrambling with lawyers ready to assault Hasselhoff’s position.
The actor/singer has been notorious for not relying on lawyers to maintain his powers, unlike US and UK based singers. In fact the source of his ongoing power is something of a concern due to the level of mystery involved.
What is known is that most groups within Germany owe allegiance in one form or another towards Hasselhoff to maintain their careers. Groups from outside of Germany, from the Rolling Stones, REM, the Dixie Chix to snot nosed British Punk bands, Italian choirs and traditional Turkish ensembles must pay exorbitant fees to mysterious persons with 80’s sideburns and tapered jeans.
There have also been reports of a mysterious black car with a red scanner light flashing from side to side running errands for Hasselhoff. The original Kitt was initially a suspect, however recent sightings of the mysterious car could not have been him, as Kitt is presently under arrest for multiple tax related charges, and the assault of a young man in a bar last April.
Rumours that it may be Kitt II abound, they are certainly not impossible, even considering the apparent murder suicide Kitt II committed when he drove off a bridge in Oregon with his wife of seven years, a noted Tupperware queen.
Sales of Tupperware within Germany have skyrocketed recently, supporting the theory that Kitt II faked his own demise and that of his wife. The German connection leads many to believe that Hasselhoff assisted in this endeavour, either as a favour to his old friend, or to bring the unstable vehicle into his camp as extra muscle, since the original Kitt is presently unavailable.
German authorities remain powerless. Investigations have not turned up any shadowy money links between Hasselhoff and the German government, however his combined industries, companies and holdings do add up to a legal tax so large it could actually contribute to the Gross National Product of Germany, making any indictments against Hasselhoff a threat to the national economy.
For now it seems that all anyone can do is to sit quietly and gnash their teeth at the prospect of a German tour would David Hasselhoff, rock legend, holds sway over the land.