Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 5/14/10


Sex Ed with Evil Dead
By Puns McKenna

So, imagine you’re in your fifth period biology class. The previous day the teacher told everyone that it was time for Sex Education. He sent home notes requesting permission to teach it to you, and now you’re ready. Your little note is all signed and you’ve got your hands folded patiently on your desk. You look expectantly at your watch and realize that class started ten minutes ago. There’s no sign of your biology teacher and everyone in class is starting to buzz about it.

Suddenly, from the other room you hear a loud crash. The telltale sounds of a scuffle permeate the closed door. Muffled grunts and yelps of pain ricochet around your head. You see the silhouette of a man raising what looks like a chainsaw, just before the lights in the other room go out. Scared senseless now, you grip the edges of you desk. The ragged rumble of the chainsaw makes your skin start to crawl. Glancing around you notice others reacting the same way. And then you see it. That really hot guy that sits across from you is squirming in his seat. Taking a closer look at the room you notice others squirming in much the same way.

Disgust warring with your own teenage hormones, you turn back to the door. The sound of the chainsaw’s teeth biting into something hard fascinates you. When a bloodcurdling scream rends the air, you shrink down under your desk. The blackboard on the wall rattles and bounces as bodies are thrown against it’s other side. After several moments a splash of blood appears on the window and everything grows silent.

Being the curious person that you are, you decide to kreep out from under the desk and brazenly walk to the door and peer inside. It’s dark, but you can’t just leave well enough alone. You have to, “save” your teacher, right? As your hand grasps the doorknob it twists and the door is yanked from your fingers. You find yourself facing six feet two inches of Undead Evil Stalker, Bruce Campbell. You’re so flabbergasted that you just let him saunter passed.

“Sex Education is more that just how to put a condom on a pickle boys and girls. It’s about knowing when to say no!” The room gets thrown into total chaos as he pulls out the bloody chainsaw. “Be responsible for your own actions. STD’s can be fatal.”

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This tells a story, boys and girls. Make sure your sex ed class really teaches you the truth about sex and not just how to put a condom on a cucumber. You could wind up with a need for Ash, Famous Undead Hunter. So Totally Dead biology teachers are nothing to sneeze at. Learning the truth couldn’t hurt either, especially when you’re taking such risky chances. Make a good decision and don’t give in to peer-pressure. Just to be on the safe side! Don’t ask Bruce Campbell to come to visit your class. He might mistake your teacher for the Evil Dead.


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