Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 4/30/10

Political Slander 101
“What’s a comin’ a go?”
By Puns McKenna
Doesn’t seem to be that bad does it? I mean aside from the horrid use of the English language.

This is a perfect example of what foreigners do when they try to swear without swearing. No foreign realm is as perfect an example as the British Empire. These folks can really lay some zingers out there, but can they slander their political counterparts? Who are their counterparts? American politicians have always been the less dignified mirror of the Brits. Now, there seems to be a disparity in the opinions of who can slander who better. America doesn’t tend toward slandering their British cousins, yet Britain feels it needs to take a more proactive stance against slandering politicos.

You want to know the truly sad predicament that the political arena finds itself in? Not accounting for the dung heap out behind the Pentagon, or the arrogant miasma shut up inside it. They find that members of their own organizations are defaming the United States. It’s got the whole of D.C. turned upside down on its ear. How about some prime examples of the traitorous pond-dwellers that are spouting to the media just how bad America really is.

Politicians that wag their forked tongues seem to have no concept of the evils they visit upon the American people. Personally, I can’t understand how they can so willingly forfeit the lives of other… their lively hood, for something that may or may not happen. What’s the deal, do they believe that we can train monkeys to take over the various offices that they will leave behind after the next election?

Have we reverted to the “He stole my election, so I’m gonna get back at him”, and “Do you believe a word he says, he’s a bad, bad man” games that children play? If you ask Hillary Clinton I’m sure she’d say that she’s going to pick up her toys and go home. It’s amazing how petulant and childish some people can be. Oh, and don’t get me started on the finger-pointing name-calling game, that all politicians involve themselves in.

Personally, I think that if the Brit’s really want to get into the slandery and petulatum tantrum events that the American’s involve themselves in, they should watch old tapes of the senate meetings on health care. Or maybe what they can do is watch the ever popular, “Being an American Politician for Dummies!” They could try the Mel Brooks type movies, “The Ten Indictments”, “Blazing Saddle: a Politician’s guide to the Kinky extramarital soirée”, and the ever popular, “Ten easy steps to a new Sex Scandal!”

Sounds to me like that’s a perfect road to success in the Slandering Arena. Take lessons learned from bad American Politician’s and throw the dirt around in sanctimonious gaiety.

Confessions of a Dislocated Texan

Felines behind every elected office
By, Ezra Mann (Editor in Spoof)

I’ll openly admit that as a young adult, I can still learn a thing or two. One of those things I’ve found out on more than one occasion is that cats are one of the most prolific sources of evil on the face of this planet.
As a child I missed their covert plots of mayhem, writing them off as nothing more than cute companions in an animal rich household. Now, the more I observe the two feline invaders in my home as a grownup, it is a daily confirmation of the lows they are capable of. In fact, I think they are the real decision makers in our increasingly shaky society.
Forget all the previous conspiracy theories about alien overlords or secret societies like the Free Masons being in control. We not only end up serving the hairball machines at our domiciles, but the elected offices we once thought so democratic.
To see proof you only need to watch as these sinister creatures hop and change positions wherever they can get their next meal and stay on that power trip. Sure you have the dumb ones put there to distract and make decisions while relating in no way to their caretakers, but the ones with the real authority are always stirring up trouble. In the end they’d leave you in the dust if they could find something slightly better.
The most frightening use of cat power is how they love to manipulate fear to push an agenda. Like a paranoid political speech these cats will start with the young and use them as a stepping to stone to show why change would only ruffle their fur.
They don’t catch mice to keep your house rodent free, they simply do it to show what would happen to your offspring if you stopped giving them meow mix and their choice of shedding surfaces. Luckily I have no of my own children for them to use against me, but I’ve seen a time or two when they started chewing on an action figure when they stopped getting their favorite treats. Poor posable Ninja Turtles never had a cowabunga of a chance.
Finally, the most convincing evidence that they have our leaders in a vice is that if we weren’t under their control we could actually reach a compromise without them. If you have ever had the obsessed groomers living near you, it is clear that they play favorites more than any other species on the planet.
They are forcing representatives to deny their true selves and constantly not get along, riding on rhetoric and biased television news channels. I only wish we could free those poor vote mongering saints so we could actually run things smoothly and efficiently. No, those cats would rather run up the national debt and leave us fighting over the scraps they were too stuffed to gobble.

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