Past Opinion Articles
Article for the week of 3/1/10
Sir Elton John: Stolen
Car or Family Car?
Sir Elton John has been rocking us since the seventies, but does he still have
what it takes?
Flashy suits, sequins, bright lights, and flamboyancy have always been a hallmark
when it comes to British rocker, Sir Elton John. Even now people still remember
his hot pink sequin jumpsuit, white wide-brimmed hat with its tie-dyed ostrich
feathers, and his peacock feather boas. But did anyone notice when he started
wearing the less flashy clothes? Does anyone care that he’s striving for
a more conservative image now?
Heck no! We all still want him to look like that flashy stolen car….
Only now, we want him to have those hot neon lights trimming his fenders and
a fancy elevator lift kit in his rear end.
People say that the best form of flattery is mimicry. For the most part that’s
true. And nowhere is it truer than for Sir Elton John. I don’t know how
familiar y’all are with late night personality, Craig Ferguson, but if
you’ve never watched him you should give him a chance. Sure he has some
rather obnoxious fart humor, but most TV hosts do anymore. Anyway, my point
isn’t to plug Ferguson… though maybe Elton John might.
No, what I wanted to share was this. It was about two months ago, but I saw
this thoroughly obnoxious skit on Craig’s show. He had dressed himself
in one of his gaudy get ups and paraded around some mock up of Sir Elton John’s
house. I don’t know who played the part of Sir Elton John (coulda been
the old boy himself), but it was one of the most hilarious things I’d
ever seen. It made me, and I’m sure millions of other fans of the sequined
rock star, want to go dig out my dico ball and platform shoes.
So even when we see Sir Elton all decked out like a three piece gander, we
still mentally undress him and put him back in the stolen car skin like he was
a Sim™ or something. Perhaps the proof will be in the pudding as they
say if we all had little dress up Eltie dolls with gaudy sequins and paste on
feathers. We could even make a set of conservative clothes to go with it. And
leave us not to be forgetting those outrageous glasses he always wore. You know
the ones… they looked like they were swiped off the set of Land of the
Giants. We could make a fortune on dolls like that. Every girl in America would
love to play dress up and have him go on dates with Barbie and Ken. He could
even have play dates with Barbie’s kid sister, Kelly.
So, do I think the rockin’ Stolen car still has it? You bet I do! Music
blaring, driving ninety miles per hour into the sunset.
a Dislocated Texan
Blessed Are the Geeks
By Ezra Mann
(editor in spoof)
Article also featured at the Pauls
Valley Daily Democrat
As the latest frozen Olympics come to a close, it is important
to honor those of significant achievement that don’t reach the podium. Much
to the chagrin of the pocket protecting masses, the geeks aren’t usually
anywhere near accolade.
Then again, I’ve always held a soft spot in my heart for the likely never
to be remembered. Unlike their similar counter parts of super knowledge, nerds,
the geeks unless of the secret identity variety, are not going to be depended
upon to hold together any major part of society. For some reason watching and
or worshiping science fiction shows has not quite seen as much recognition as
let’s say… splitting the atom.
Throughout history most of the geek population has not been remembered except
for that guy who was stuffed in a locker and the sole inspiration for the wedgie.
Yet, in typically some sort of fantasy world involving creatures almost as disturbingly
dressed as figure skaters or giant robots on steroids, they are at the top of
You have to understand that while some jocks will moonlight as geeks on occasion,
the vast majority don’t do a terrible amount to escape the nasally greasy
haired stereotype. Don’t believe me, go to a gaming convention and watch
these guys play Dungeons & Dragons for four days straight and some sort of
unhygienic record will be set. If you haven’t figured it out by now, I happen
to know way more than will separate me from this discussion.
Despite all these things that are usually best kept to a message board or behind
a Tolkien fan fic, geeks can be some of the most passionate people you will ever
meet. Just like when a soccer hooligan or a hockey nut will defend to the death
their favorite team, bitter fights will erupt over the best Star Trek or which
anime is tops in Japan.
Not only will sports fans do extremely stupid things, geeks will try to match
in kind, oddly garnering a bit more pity when said screw-up comes to light. Really,
when a sports mob ends up trampling people to death its shocking and a black eye
to the athletic event , but when a Korean kills someone over a role playing or
Star Craft game, support groups are formed. Alcohol may or may not need apply.
However, in the end I consider many of these people some of the best friends I’ve
ever had. Yeah, geeks can do their fair share to embarrass themselves with all
the style points, but they stay true to who they are.
Perhaps this is why geeks pretty much stay away from elected office and who wouldn’t
want that action when you can literally be lord among your not quite socially
accepted crew. We could all learn something and we could all teach them something
and that’s the kind of thing we try for in life anyways. To you Geeks I
salute you and though you may not always have me follow the path, I’ll be
there enough to get a few laughs from observation.
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