Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 3/1/10

Sir Elton John: Stolen Car or Family Car?
By, Puns McKenna

Sir Elton John has been rocking us since the seventies, but does he still have what it takes?

Flashy suits, sequins, bright lights, and flamboyancy have always been a hallmark when it comes to British rocker, Sir Elton John. Even now people still remember his hot pink sequin jumpsuit, white wide-brimmed hat with its tie-dyed ostrich feathers, and his peacock feather boas. But did anyone notice when he started wearing the less flashy clothes? Does anyone care that he’s striving for a more conservative image now?

Heck no! We all still want him to look like that flashy stolen car…. Only now, we want him to have those hot neon lights trimming his fenders and a fancy elevator lift kit in his rear end.

People say that the best form of flattery is mimicry. For the most part that’s true. And nowhere is it truer than for Sir Elton John. I don’t know how familiar y’all are with late night personality, Craig Ferguson, but if you’ve never watched him you should give him a chance. Sure he has some rather obnoxious fart humor, but most TV hosts do anymore. Anyway, my point isn’t to plug Ferguson… though maybe Elton John might.

No, what I wanted to share was this. It was about two months ago, but I saw this thoroughly obnoxious skit on Craig’s show. He had dressed himself in one of his gaudy get ups and paraded around some mock up of Sir Elton John’s house. I don’t know who played the part of Sir Elton John (coulda been the old boy himself), but it was one of the most hilarious things I’d ever seen. It made me, and I’m sure millions of other fans of the sequined rock star, want to go dig out my dico ball and platform shoes.

So even when we see Sir Elton all decked out like a three piece gander, we still mentally undress him and put him back in the stolen car skin like he was a Sim™ or something. Perhaps the proof will be in the pudding as they say if we all had little dress up Eltie dolls with gaudy sequins and paste on feathers. We could even make a set of conservative clothes to go with it. And leave us not to be forgetting those outrageous glasses he always wore. You know the ones… they looked like they were swiped off the set of Land of the Giants. We could make a fortune on dolls like that. Every girl in America would love to play dress up and have him go on dates with Barbie and Ken. He could even have play dates with Barbie’s kid sister, Kelly.

So, do I think the rockin’ Stolen car still has it? You bet I do! Music blaring, driving ninety miles per hour into the sunset.

Confessions of a Dislocated Texan
Blessed Are the Geeks
By Ezra Mann (editor in spoof)

Article also featured at the Pauls Valley Daily Democrat

As the latest frozen Olympics come to a close, it is important to honor those of significant achievement that don’t reach the podium. Much to the chagrin of the pocket protecting masses, the geeks aren’t usually anywhere near accolade.
Then again, I’ve always held a soft spot in my heart for the likely never to be remembered. Unlike their similar counter parts of super knowledge, nerds, the geeks unless of the secret identity variety, are not going to be depended upon to hold together any major part of society. For some reason watching and or worshiping science fiction shows has not quite seen as much recognition as let’s say… splitting the atom.
Throughout history most of the geek population has not been remembered except for that guy who was stuffed in a locker and the sole inspiration for the wedgie. Yet, in typically some sort of fantasy world involving creatures almost as disturbingly dressed as figure skaters or giant robots on steroids, they are at the top of their game.
You have to understand that while some jocks will moonlight as geeks on occasion, the vast majority don’t do a terrible amount to escape the nasally greasy haired stereotype. Don’t believe me, go to a gaming convention and watch these guys play Dungeons & Dragons for four days straight and some sort of unhygienic record will be set. If you haven’t figured it out by now, I happen to know way more than will separate me from this discussion.
Despite all these things that are usually best kept to a message board or behind a Tolkien fan fic, geeks can be some of the most passionate people you will ever meet. Just like when a soccer hooligan or a hockey nut will defend to the death their favorite team, bitter fights will erupt over the best Star Trek or which anime is tops in Japan.
Not only will sports fans do extremely stupid things, geeks will try to match in kind, oddly garnering a bit more pity when said screw-up comes to light. Really, when a sports mob ends up trampling people to death its shocking and a black eye to the athletic event , but when a Korean kills someone over a role playing or Star Craft game, support groups are formed. Alcohol may or may not need apply.
However, in the end I consider many of these people some of the best friends I’ve ever had. Yeah, geeks can do their fair share to embarrass themselves with all the style points, but they stay true to who they are.
Perhaps this is why geeks pretty much stay away from elected office and who wouldn’t want that action when you can literally be lord among your not quite socially accepted crew. We could all learn something and we could all teach them something and that’s the kind of thing we try for in life anyways. To you Geeks I salute you and though you may not always have me follow the path, I’ll be there enough to get a few laughs from observation.

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