Past Opinion Articles
Article for the week of 2/21/10
Tea Parties used to be
You know, I hate taxes as much as the next guy (well, okay, I hate taxes more
than the next guy, because I'm paying more, long story), but I also happen to
be a liberal commie who thinks health care should be available to everyone. I
also think that earning way more money is pretty great, but if you have to be
rich to get the basics, then somebody is doing something wrong. This is all my
opinion, and in a way it is neither here nor there.
But here is an opinion that totally matters: tea parties nowadays are terrible!
Do people even drink tea at these things, or are they too busy whining about how,
unlike the new guy, the old President was all about the black gold, or Texas Tea,
as it is sometimes called? Did they move to Beverly? Hills, that is.
Seriously, what happened to outright revolt in the name of democracy (all people
are equal and all that), when people did some good old fashioned environmental
pollution, or, well, almost, anyway. I mean it is not like tea is all that dangerous,
I would assume. Yet, dumping a bunch of it into a river is bound to do something,
and I doubt that river is hot enough to make some proper tea so everyone can have
some. But I digress.
The point is, except for wrecking things for the British, tea parties are things
done by little girls in their backyards, mostly with dolls or something for company.
You know, things lacking intellect, orchestrated by a little girl? Wait, what
was I saying now again? Oh yeah, that grown ups who should think for themselves
should know that a proper tea party is not about throwing tea bags at a white
house, it is about sitting down and having pleasant and meaningless conversation
about tea, the weather, cookies, and what a lovely blouse Barbie is wearing.
I mean, really now, you are making the little girls cry and raising them to think
that by just throwing junk around with other people as unaware of what a tea party
is as you are, that you can solve the grave injustices of the system, which is
losing your wealth so you can help out other people! Is that really what tea parties
are all about? Because if that is your definition of a tea party do not ever go
drinking! Getting hit with a beer bottle hurts, and how am I supposed to pay all
those medical bills that will incur?
No, leave the tea parties to the little girls and go do something else instead.
Confessions of a Dislocated Texan
Who needs affordable living anyway
By Ezra Mann
(editor in spoof)
Article also featured at the Pauls
Valley Daily Democrat
If there’s anything I’ve learned by having been
dislocated as many times as I have, it’s to be adaptable. Yet, try as I
might, things seem to remain far too interesting for my wallet to catch up with.
Sure, I may not live in a third world country and have the worst income, but when
ramen noodles start to look expensive, maybe I’m getting too close for comfort.
My stuff also seems to be working against me, breaking close enough together to
tease what sanity I have left. I’m past the squeezing blood out of stone
stage; I’m at the digging for a heart in the middle of Mt. Everest phase.
I realize that as our dollar becomes more worthless it will only drive the prices
of goods up, but I would not be opposed if that trend could take a hike long enough
for me to buy a decent batch of groceries. I can plead and beg for my salary to
take a leap as well, but even my delusions have limitations.
Perhaps I was spoiled by the silly idea of a salvage grocery store in Mississippi
where eating is actually feasible, but somehow I got this idea that you don’t
have to screw those struggling to make ends meet out of a meal. Who am I kidding
though, it really is a crazy idea to take leftover goods from a town and resell
them so everyone dirt poor doesn’t have to turn to the food bank. Begging
never makes someone feel ashamed anyways.
I also have a knack for having necessary items break when there is no way to pay
for them. Computers, parts on vehicles, you name it and I’ve either had
to replace it recently or it is inevitably waiting to self destruct until inconvenience
is at its highest level.
If you think having to buy food when you are broke is tough, electronic items
or car parts take it to a whole new nauseating level. Yet, fret not, most places
can hook you up with more pricing items for a flat screen television or Blue Ray
DVD player, so at least you’ll be able to entertain yourself while you starve
and walk to the job you may or may not have. Maybe Food Network can start selling
seasons of their cooking shows so we can at least pretend we are looking at something
I am thankful for a roof over my head, perhaps the fashion world is ready for
me to start wearing parts of my house around town when the last of my decent clothes
fades away to threads. Shingles doesn’t have to be just an embarrassing
disease, it can be a bra for the ladies or a loin cloth made out of recycled fiberglass.
I haven’t exactly got a beach friendly tan so if I get the right consistency
of mud I can simulate pants until it rains and community meetings get real interesting.
Despite all the hard times, if I lose my sense of humor then I really will have
nothing more to hang on to. I wonder if doctors prescribe laughter in pill or
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