Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 11/8/09

Thoughts from Nevada

America's new plan to defeat terrorism
By, Puns McKenna

Change is coming. In homes all across America people are waking up to smell the toast burning. Danger is everywhere in the world, but most especially here at home.

Aside from our government, what do you think is our worst enemy? Well… Think about it! Who piled two planes into the World Trade towers… or the Pentagon… or how about the Pennsylvania field? Anyone remember the beginning of the Islamic Jihad? Don't think that Bin Laden's ne'er do well's are a threat to us anymore? Well… You're wrong! That's right, I said it… You're wrong if you don't believe we are still under threat. Believe me or not that's up to you, but I've thought long and hard about this. Apparently, many other American's have as well, because we're beginning to see a plethora of unique homemade weapons.

You may be wondering just what kind of weapons I'm talking about. Before I can get into that I have to tell you a bit about the mechanics behind the new nastiness. Okay, so you see the gardener or perhaps the homeowner in their yard every (insert day of the week here) taking care of business, right? Of course, no one ever really sees what they do with their grass clippings… wood chips… dead leaves… desiccated plants…etc. Well, I’m here to tell you how it goes. First they mow the lawn… trim the verge…replant the deceased. Then they take the yard debris to a compost heap where it is mulched…incinerated… or recycled. Now, doesn't everyone know what rotting or burnt yard debris smells like? It's an acrid, vile scent isn't it? You're absolutely right, it is vile.

You won't get high from burning grass like you would from “burning grass,” but you will get sick if you inhale enough of the fumes. Those fumes contain things like carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide, methane, and ammonia. You get the idea, right? Sure you do. Wink, wink. Okay, so to get to my point. Those chemicals build up in the plants that we all think are pretty and soft. Plants feed on these chemicals in order to create the oxygen that we breathe. Kinda nifty how they take our waste products and turn them into a chemical that we need, huh? So what does this mean in regards to a plan to thwart terrorism? Well, it's simple enough. The chemicals that are contained inside the dead carcasses of grass and other plants can be broken down and used to fuel some pretty interesting weaponry.

You wouldn't think it possible, but making a bomb consisting of C-4 and grass can really ruin someone's day. Imagine what would happen if you incinerated a bunch of methane and ammonia right in the midst of a herd of sheep? Do you think that they would escape unharmed? If you chose unharmed, you'd be wrong. To be truthful, I don't really know what would happen. They could either get really stoned from all the grass flash burning amongst them or they could just get really dizzy and sick. Permeate their air with enough of the chemicals that aren't healthy and you could kill them. Me, myself, I'd just prefer to stop the terrorists in their tracks. If we can do that using our yard debris, then power to the people.

Humans are the new rat!

By Don Hellion

It has been discovered that pigs are not the only animals that can catch the H1N1 flu from humans. Recently two cats and a ferret have contracted the disease from their owners. This has caused more than a little concern in several areas.

Several pet store chains have expresses fears that infected people coming into their stores could pass the disease on to healthy animals that are being sold and bring down accusations that they are buying and re-selling sick animals when the animals are coming in healthy but are being infected by customers. Some stores have responded by keeping the animals behind glass and not allowing people to have physical contact with them before purchasing them. This of course makes it more difficult for a customer to tell if a potential pet really likes them or not.

Other fears are that squirrels and birds could become infected by food put out for them by infected humans. The fear here is that once infected in that manner, sick animals could spread the disease to other wild animals and create an epidemic that would be all but impossible to stop.

Deer hunters that use bait are worried that contaminated bait piles could infect deer and the disease could then spread through entire herds. And possibly to wolves and bears that prey on deer.

Bears and raccoons that feed in garbage cans or trash dumps are another group of wildlife that could be endangered by contaminated garbage. While they are less likely to spread the disease than herd animals like deer, garbage eating bears and raccoons are still likely to suffer widespread infections since garbage dumps tend to attract large numbers of these animals.

One possible bright spot is that mice and rats that are infesting a house where an infected human lives might catch the disease from the humans and in a bit of poetic justice could experience a deadly plague caused by humans infecting them instead of the other way around.

There have been a number of religious cults who are saying that the fact that humans are spreading this disease to animals is a sign of the coming apocalypse.
Other environmental extremist groups are claiming that people should stop putting out their garbage… Of course they have no idea what to do with it otherwise since they also oppose burning it. Some of these groups are claiming that humans should be quarantined again with no idea how to do it..

Meanwhile most people are more concerned with stopping the spread of the disease among humans with the idea that if the spread of the disease is stopped in the human population there will be no more source for contamination of animals. That is likely to be the most practical way to control the spread of the disease.

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