Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 9/30/09

Xphile's Tapes XXIIX: Orbital City Conspiracy
By Grey Xphile

This one took some digging, in the literal sense, I have to say, however it’s actually a fairly straight forward affair that I think needs full and proper consideration before any action is taken.
After coming across a few hints and clues I found out that there is a massive corporate (with some government, of course) conspiracy to cut away the state of Florida and tow it out to sea.
There’s some debate as to whether it is meant to increase the reach of US territorial waters or to just get rid of Florida, I don’t know.
The government angle could be the whole whack of Electoral College votes, either the Democrats are trying to get rid of it after it burned them badly, or the whole freaking organisation just wants to be rid of the headache.
Which makes the corporate angle more obscure. Increasing the beachfront properties in neighbouring states? Pissing off Cuba? I suppose that’s more of a government thing.
I guess I haven’t really researched this one as much as I thought.
All the same, the evidence is there, all is laid bare. They’re planning on cutting away at the Florida State Lines and use trained whales to drag America’s Wang into deeper waters.
This would also explain increased US opposition to Japanese whaling, but that’s another plot.
Personally, I say good riddance.
No, really, this is one of those rare conspiracies I can get behind.
You see, I don’t like Florida. No one should.
It’s not because of all the old people, it’s not because of oranges, the wang, the Electoral College, the fact that it’s home to a reality warping gateway (the Disney thing, remember?) or that it’s where Bernie Madoff really hid all the money and he did so in pineapples.
It’s because of David Freaking Caruso.
That man is the bane of the CSI TV series. Sure, New York has an entire cast of with the personality of cardboard, but that’s only because David Caruso sucked up as much of the franchises’ future character and regurgitates it as cheese.
Those crappy one liners, the removal of the sunglasses, the fact that everything seems to be highlighted in an orange tint, the wall to wall interior windows, holographic dohickeys that out do Star Trek, the man has taken a decent show and turned it into his own personal dais to mount his solid gold plated twice life size statue.
And before you say it this isn’t the work of TV executives, it’s all Caruso. Not because he’s evil or competent, it’s just that he possesses the pure ego necessary to do this to us.
So goodbye Florida, so long Miami, please let the riptide drag you under Mr Caruso.

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