Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 7/8/09


Zombies: Bum Rap...or perfect roles
By Puns McKenna


We all know that zombies are just gruesome and yuck. They get the role of being the big bad scary brain-eating monster in our favorite horror flicks. But what if they've gotten a bum rap? What if we put them into other roles? Would you watch a movie where a zombie played the loveable doctor that talks to animals?

Zombies by nature are scary and ugly, but I believe we can clean them up and put them in ordinary roles. The first thing we'd need to do is give them a complete closet makeover. The tattered moldy clothes are really a thing of the past. This isn't Michael Jackson's Thriller afterall. No, what they need is to have their old junk thrown out and get some flashy new threads. Take em to Sak's Fifth Avenue or Wally World, but get them some new clothes.

Next thing we need to do is take them to a beauty parlor. That slightly gray-green shade of their skin can easily be gotten around with tanning booths. Their hair can be cleaned carefully so as not to detach it from their rotting skulls. Then it would be easy enough to tint their hair with whatever color they chose. Given the means we have available to us, we can make zombies as visually appealing as any of the stars in Hollywood right now.

The next step would be dialogue coaching. We all know how hard it is to understand the people that are foreign to the U.S., which is why we give them dialogue coaches. We'd need to teach the zombies how to speak correctly again, since it is apparent that their length of dead time has impaired it a little. Of course, for some there might be some facial reconstruction necessary. Muscles tend to rot away after a long stretch of time six feet under.

We could even give them special shows and movies of their own, a documentary about A Day in the life of a Zombie. Or we could give them a late night television show where they get to show their own scary movies. It would truly be easy to make them just a s ordinary as the average star today. And the really neat thing is, we could make it a charity benefit. Something designed to help those less fortunate than the rich and famous. Not only would it show the wold that Zombies do have a place in society, but also that we can feel good about helping those dearly reanimated souls lead productive lives or deaths as the case may be.

We could start a brand new organization that would clean out the closets of stars that had too many extra clothes, and offer financial assistance to zombies for whatever they needed to make them beautiful again. As for vehicles to get them around, we could fix up old junker cars so that they ran again and let them have at it. I for one would like to see those old heaps rumbling around the streets again in their favorite classic cars.


Could getting old become illegal

By, Don Hellion


It could happen... Right now there is a push to have the government take over the medical care system in the United States. The idea is that the government could force the cost to go down the thing is that the cost will be controlled by rationing health care like is done in Europe and Canada. What people don’t realize is that one way that they used over there was to decide to with hold care from those that were deemed not worth saving… Like the elderly the thought is that as people age they need more medical care and are more likely to die anyway. So why waste resources on the elderly who will soon die anyway. Better to save the resources for people who will still be working.

So under the government run socialized health care system if you are no longer productive then you should just die to leave room for younger people who can still produce. Right now It’s mostly just withholding care except to the Netherlands where euthanasia is a sort of unofficial policy. But it’s only logical that the next step is to do what is done with pets when they get too sick. A lethal dose of painkillers is MUCH cheaper than surgery of long tem care. Once the government bureaucrats get involved they will look at patient care bills and when deciding what would be the most cost effective treatment lethal injection is the way to go.

Of course once they start using lethal doses of painkillers to end the lives of seriously ill senior citizens the nest logical move is pre-emptive euthanasia. After all they shoot horses don’t they? Why wait until they start having to have treatments for serious illnesses to use lethal doses of medication. This type of treatment would be called fatality treatments Fatality treatments could be used as soon as signs of cardiac and pulmonary illness show up. The cost savings from the early use of fatality treatments would be substantial. The medications are relatively inexpensive and could even be done on an outpatient basis.

One problem that will have to be addressed will be people who fail to understand the need to die because it is too expensive for them to continue living. Another problem is with religious groups that will claim that killing people that have out lived their usefulness is a sin. One way to deal with that is to declare such religious groups as being lobbying organizations and strip them of their tax-exempt status.

The only other issue is whether to use age to determine who would be required to take pre-emptive fatal treatment or should that be determined by taking an annual physical. The second method while requiring an outlay of money to pay for the examinations it has the advantage of not killing people who are still able to produce.


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