Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 6/23/09

Confessions of a Dislocated Texan

Searching for a job makes prostitution a more honorable career move
By Ezra Mann (Editor in Spoof)

Soliciting sexual favors for money may be the world’s oldest profession, but the process of joining the job market may be far more skanky than turning tricks. At least with being a whore, you are more likely to have a means of paying the bills, even at the cost of a few “side effects.”
Sure, a decent source of employment comes with health and other benefits, but at the end of the day, the pimp slapping is just redirected with slightly more subtlety. Prostitution really is an equal opportunity situation from the dirty old tramp to the well paid beauty, it just depends on what the client finds attractive. Job applying is like this, but often you don’t realize how much self respect you’ve lost.
In both shagging for cash and looking for a job you must sell yourself to the person looking to get a position filled. You dress up in your best garments that are appropriate for the venue and hand out your credentials for the biggest wad of cash you can get.
Sometimes the pickings are slim and though the deal may bring you pain, you have to accept the first proposition for your propositioning. Sad thing is, you can be taken away to mend your ways as a street corner slut when you gotta keep lowering your standards the longer you look for a job. Perhaps we’re making the wrong act of self degrading illegal.
Hoes even get more glorification in popular culture than even the most talented work seeking person. Try comparing the number of videos of people handing in resumes to hoes getting the high life and it just gets all that more depressing.
Everywhere you look those ladies of the evening are moving up on the ladder, whether they are visiting our nation’s leaders or getting a reality show with little whoreletts aspiring to skank that dream. I don’t see little Suzy or Jimmy looking up to Mr. Bill who just got his 147th rejection letter. It’s a real injustice to those of us who can’t even get attention from Vanilla Ice.
The economy sure doesn’t offer much encouragement to those who would seek an honest line of work when places like Las Vegas give more support to keeping a bedmate going. Why aspire for greatness when Uncle Slappy sends you a free check to sit around and do nothing at all?
If it works for prostitutes then what the heck are all those jobless people wasting their time for? Just strap on that leopard print lingerie and join the stiletto parade. All you’ll need after that for a cover letter is a bed sheet and a few hand-shaped bruises across your face.

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