Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 7/7/08

Oprah Tour Turns Into Freeforall!

By, Puns McKenna

Everyone knows that soccer is a contact sport. Players get hit…they get kicked….they get knocked unconscious. People in the stands have a tendency to get incensed and overly rowdy. Brawls break out over silly things. And Oprah Winfrey, Champion for world peace has decided that it’s time to do something about it.

Ms. Winfrey has decided to Tour the Soccer circuit and ensure that there is no violence in the game anymore. This approach seemed to be working. After two games she was convinced that she was on the right track. And just when she was lulled into that sense of security, disaster struck. That’s right, she was involved in a brawl.

Several fans from the stands and several players from the field were involved. Though most injuries were light, apparently Ms. Winfrey’s injuries were the worst of the crop. When asked what caused the violent outburst, several of the participants pointed their fingers at Ms. Winfrey. When asked to elaborate many were unable to speak coherently. I believe it had something to do with the seething anger that mentioning her name evoked.

According to the stories, Oprah was trying to make soccer into a touchy feely happy sport. You know one of those “sports” where everyone is friends and they all hug the trees. What erupted in the stands of this game was like something out of Oprah’s best movie, “The Color Purple”. Domestic violence, squabbling like children.

I don’t rightly know why Ms. Winfrey has to make the world a less violent place. Perhaps she was abused as a child. Maybe she watched her folks get into bitter domestic disputes. Whatever the case may be, she sure picked the wrong sporting event to be promoting tree hugging harmony at. Soccer players have this unique quality. They tend to work out a lot and have these really powerful muscles. They build their bodies up to be able to take the punishment of the game.

Oh and wait! What about this little aspect of soccer that no one ever thinks about? These people play this sport willingly. I mean there isn’t some “you have to play soccer” Mafia is there? Are there little soldiers out there with bayonets telling these soccer players that they have to put on their uniforms and go out and kill themselves? Or do these folks play this game by choice?

Last time I checked soccer was still an optional vocational sport. You didn’t have to put on the multi-colored heavyweight uniforms. You didn’t have to kick the big black and white ball (not that it’s always a black and white ball anymore) all over a field. Heck! These people get paid to play this game! Its funny really. Ms. Winfrey doesn’t even play soccer. Maybe Stedman watched soccer all the time. Who knows?

For me its really interesting how a sport that you get paid to be aggressive in, needs to be turned into a happy, huggy sport. Its amazing how many people think that sports are supposed to be gentle and non-violent. Is Football a non-violent sport? No! Is Tennis a non-violent sport? No! So why does soccer have to be a non-violent sport?

 Really Pathetic Productions 1997-2008©
Menu Bar By Albatross