Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 4/7/08

Nostradamus out, YouTube in!
By, Ezra Mann (Editor and spicy medium)
At one time in our search to explain things as quickly as possible we decided that it was cool frijoles to try and predict future events. Even more awesome to the max than that, we wanted to know exactly when catastrophic events would either wipe a few of us off the map or find the Armageddon Holy Grail.
We turned to mystical beings for that spiritual premonition guidance and perhaps the most famous of those “mystics” was a man known by the name of Nostradamus. Sure he was cool at first, but if you think about it, the strongest “evidence” that he could predict anything was taking past events and using seek and find methods to show that he somehow coded things like September 11th. That’s about as supernatural as looking at American Idol and trying to find an intelligent person in the viewer audience.
So, how in the world will our tabloid reading public survive now that I’ve crushed their dreams like Mel Gibson does to history? Simple, in my all knowing search of the World Wide Web, I have found a way to predict just about anything as least two tenths better than Nostradamus, YouTube.
That’s right; a collection of uploaded and sometimes pirated videos can be a much more dependable guide to what may be. So toss aside that old French emo and double click your minds to the possibilities that await you. *The author of this article is not responsible for any self premonitions, cult like activities or worships of llamas wearing lederhosen.
My first evidence of YouTube’s gypsy like grasp on future mumbo jumbo is that as long as 24 hour news networks are allowed to continue, the more mind numbing the content will become. Sure, a quick conclusion could net you a similar result, but if you want to really feel the fear, prepare to use the search function.
Simply sit down at ye olde keyboard and type in something like Paris Hilton Fox News, Britney Spears CNN, or even Oprah MSNBC and you can remind yourselves that if we keep feeding ourselves this garbage it will continue to rub out things that oh let’s say we were supposed to hear about. If you think of something that sounds stupid and time consuming it’s probably been beaten to death by the never ending news cycle. If not, it’ll definitely be used to interrupt coverage of the two minutes they give to cover important topics in this year’s election coverage.
Of course, I can’t leave out how dumb children will become if they aren’t allowed to express themselves as individuals. To get a scary look at that possibility take a look at searching for clips from an MTV reality show.
Go on, I can wait while you scream and attempt to bash your monitor in with a rusty sledgehammer when you see what your youngins attempt to emulate because our nation is too busy preoccupying them with test scores instead of creativity. It’s the real life of your kids sticking around until they are 30 because every child has been left behind! Maybe a little bit more out of desk time might be able to save kids from becoming the movie Idiocracy. (Also searchable on YouTube)
Finally, the best use of prophetic vision YouTube can offer is to see what we will all become if we let someone else do the decision making for us. I’m going to take a dive into the world of commercials and let you search for Bob from the Enzyte commercials, the current burger king mascot and the Geico Caveman commercials.
That my friends is what will become of society if we all stop thinking for ourselves and become smiling, Neanderthal stereotypes with a craving for only what is shoved down our gullets. I hope you have all used this new tool of prediction to change your lives for the better or help to dilute the stupid in the world gene pool. Good luck and wake me up when it is over.


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