Past Opinion Articles
Article for the week of 7/24/07
Xphileís Tapes XVI: The
Aliens Are Using Plastic
Now I know what youíre thinking, hereís yet another rant about aliens, about how half the world is being mind controlled, the other half is pregnant with hybrids and yet another half is in complete collusion with our inevitable grey skinned masters.
Well Iím going to have to disappoint you on this, for I have uncovered something far more sinister.
For years there have been visitations, abductions, intergalactic road trips to the tripiest parts of the Universe. No one was entirely sure what they were about. Everyone just assumed that it was all about Aliens and test subjects and the occasional brain wedgie that gave us the likes of Axel Rose, Andy Dick and Tony Blair.
But no, I know the truth, I worked it out all on my own, without the help of certain paranoid maniacs who couldnít handle the truth, who thought what had to be going on had to be so much bigger, so much more important simply because it involved humans.
Well it isnít.
Those who were closest assumed we were a food source for a dying people.
Iíll start with the cattle mutilations, theyíre not just the random acts of bored aliens, these are in fact an attempt to shop for something to eat during entertainment.
You know what that means?
Thatís right, snacks!
Thatís what they think of our cattle, so what do they think of us?
Slushies! Thatís what!
All those stories of abductees having their brains siphoned out with straws while horrific, colourful images flash before their eyes, out of screens theyíre forced to watch arenít just stories.
Those are memories of being held in a sticky alien hand with ice in their brains as those grey bastards watch the extra terrestrial equivalent of the Dead Poets Society.
Although if youíre lucky they may instead be watching their equivalent of Godzilla, which Iíve heard is quite a good bit better than that attempted summer blockbuster.
So there you have it, no great plot, no great plan, Earth is just a convenience store to these beings.
And just when you think it canít get any more demeaning, it does.
There are, of course, collaborators, co-operators with the aliens who are profiting from the quick cash sale of their fellow human beings along with a few dozen lottery tickets. So what of it? Isnít this all horrific enough?
Racial profiling is a means of assorting us in flavours.
Nothing as demeaning as vanilla or chocolate. Mostly because the implications of Asians.
Itís actually more to do with age. Teenagers are tart, sour things that perfectly counterpoint the sweet taste of the midlife crisis set. Twenty somethings are somewhat fruity, a perfect dessert snack while salty elderly a consumed by the fistful.
But there is hope. The slim chance that by our very moreishness we will be the source of an obesity epidemic the likes of which leaves Alien hoards with hardened arteries and health problems that will inevitably bring them down!
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