Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 1/23/07

Xphile’s Tapes XV: Top Seven Prophecies for 2007
By, Grey Xphile

Okay, new year, new surprises waiting around every corner to do us in.
In my role as investigator of the unusual I hear a lot of things, much of which I don’t tell you about because even I think some of it’s too weird and wacky.
Then things like Hurricane Katrina, Catwoman and Tom Cruise getting married happen.
With that in mind I bit the bullet and took the semi random bits and pieces I had to a psychic. Not one of those cheap ones advertising in the back of trashy news papers, a moderately priced one who leaves cards next to payphones in the back of dark bars.
Here she is, in no particular order with the seven most important prophecies. I’ll explain what she means, like all psychics’ she’s vague and open to interpretation, if I weren’t handing her the original material I wouldn’t know what she meant.
“Disaster will befall a star struck pair.”
This one, as best I can make out a celebrity couple is going to face trouble. Cool!
Whether it’s Brangelina, Tomkat, The Kevin (assuming that Spacey and Bacon finally come out of the closet over their mutual attraction to their own names), something is going to happen to them, something bad. Couldn’t be happening to better people.
“A weekend warrior will meet his responsibility to the irresponsible of the lone star to enhance their standing by enhancing their size against those no good hosers.”
As near as I can tell this one means that GW Bush will fulfil a little known campaign promise of making Texas the largest state in terms of landmass by partitioning Canada.
Yeah, I know, doesn’t make sense to me either. Don’t think of it as Bush Bashing, think of it as Alaska Bashing. Stupid freak state.
“A governor’s creator and nemesis will rise to face off against a righteous dude’s bane.”
I think this one means that both Skynet and the Matrix will come into being as the Internet and various programs coalesce.
Considering that the machines of the Matrix are powered by people and Skynet wants to exterminate humanity they’re not going to get along.
Let’s hope they don’t make a movie out of this one, both franchises have taken a beating already.
“The closeted director of information collection will be ousted from his position of pride by the waning Caribbean leader.”
If the information gels with the prediction this one means that J Edgar Hoover’s dress collection will be unearthed, and it will compare unfavourably to that of Fidel Castro’s.
“Monkeys will speak.”
Okay, they’re not all vague and hard to understand. Monkeys will achieve the power of speech. However they will be poor conversationalists.
“The Holy Father will engage the dragon’s burning light.”
This one’s a little simpler, basically Pope Benedict will do battle with his greatest enemy, the lamb that bit him when he was but a small boy.
“The Guiding Light shall return.”
This is it, the big one, depending on your denomination, it’s the second coming of . . . someone. Not sure who I’m afraid, all these religions muddy up the water. Jesus, Buddha, Mohamed, someone, is returning.
Unless it refers to a resurrected career, like maybe Rambo IV will be Stallone’s big comeback, perhaps Tom Cruise will be able to dig his career out from under the mess that is Tom Cruise.
Now keep in mind, these aren’t complete prophecies or visions, I only used the psychic to confirm some things for me.
Be on guard and keep your eyes open, and maybe the unpleasant things mentioned here will not come to be.