Past Opinion Articles
Article for the week of 11/30/06
The Annual Gingerbread
That time of year is upon us once again. Yes, the time when the strange
little brown men start invading our houses, trying to make people nice,
all the while watching us. Immigrating from that strange gingerbread land
of theirs as they are. But why do they come? And how come they get by
such strict security-checks?
The answer is simple: they are super-spies, working for that most secret
organisation whose leader goes by many names. Father Christmas. Saint
Nick. Santa Claus. Yes, this man not only uses slave labour to market
cheap knockoffs of hard working companies products, he also infiltrates
our houses each year, with his spy network. And how come these gingerbread
men and women can so easily glide past security? Partly because of the
hidden illegal immigration via reindeer, but also because, unlike other
immigrants, some with less sinister purposes, these have the dirt on all
the world leaders. And they continue to have the dirt, because, after
all, what world leader would say no to free presents and occasionally
a good intelligence tip-off, such as what little Timmy wants for Christmas,
and why he shouldn't get it. That's right, they know about that time you
stole those cookies. They know, because you murdered one of their comrades.
However, instead of making you feel guilt, they make you want to be nicer,
to atone for your sins. This is the danger of the drugs inherit in these
genetically engineered spies, and they have no qualms about dying for
the cause. And they won't stop until they can determine if you have been
good, or if you have been bad.
So, you wonder, what can you do? Well, the best solution is to simply
kill all the gingerbread men you see by devouring them in a wonderful
act of cannibalism. Now, this might seem a bit racist, but trust me, it
is for your own good. Those bastards are out to ruin your life, and if
you don't kill them all and still try and stay the evil, bitter murderer
you really are, they will make sure Santa knows. You have to kill them
quickly, before they can report to their superiors. And whatever you do,
if you see them building a house, destroy it immediately. Those m&m
shields and that dangerously sweet frosting they use as mortar might mean
you need to break out the hammer, or they might try to disguise the base
using some form of north pole camouflage, but it is crucial you see through
it. Inside that house hides something so sinister it cannot be allowed
to live. Big Brother is watching you, and it is up to you to strike back.
Fight the Santa Claus espionage! Fight for your constitutional rights!
Fight for freedom of speech, and liberty! Fight for the right to bite
the heads off little brown men that taste good! And since we are on the
subject, fight for your right to take advice from the Beastie Boys!