Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 10/20/06

Xphile Tapes XII Plus I: That Lying Cheating Git Superman
By, Grey Xphile

Okay, first a brief explanation of the numbering.
Just recently we had a Friday the That Number. If you add up the digits of that date, That Number/10/2006, you wind up with That Number.
Now I’m not overly superstitious, however I also don’t believe in taking chances of any stripe.
Luck may not exist, however that’s no reason to start mooning everything around you just to prove a point.
Now, the story, such as it is. Again a brief explanation of the title, it’s a bit wrong since there are no tapes this time around. No one was willing to be committed to a recording, I’m not even allowed to quote anyone for fear of just what this guy might do to anyone speaking out against him.
While I may fear circumspect use of That Number I fear no man leaping about in tights!
Okay, maybe Spiderman, however that’s very much grounded in a very real belief that when he takes that mask off he’s a reporter, and therefore competition.
Not so with Superman!
What could I possibly have against the squeakiest clean superhero of them all?
How about we start with this whole “truth, justice and American way” crap. I mean look at him. If he were all for truth he’d have beaten the living snot out of every politician available, if justice mattered he’d have made sure that American Idol never reached the airwaves, and as for the American Way, that’s an intangible idea prone to change with the maturity of the society it’s based upon, so what’s he defending, the Way of his day or the Way we stick to now with microwavable breakfast burritos with no real meat product?
Sorry to rant, but this guy is just wrong and now he’s gone too far.
I don’t mean his suspected involvement with the Supervillain Games. Not that I wouldn’t credit him for wanting all his enemies in one nice, easy to heat vision from orbit place, but thinking isn’t his strong spot.
Crap, I just gave him an idea.
We’ll leave off the suspected romance with Lois Lane, a contemporary of mine, probably better known as the woman who’ll do anything for a Pulitzer after masquerading as a pirate stripper marauding across Nevada just to get an interview with Mel Gibson during one of his benders.
Let’s just say that there can’t be any truth to the relationship rumours because a human woman and a man who is physically indestructible and superfast would result in a woman with a liquefied pelvis.
Come on, get real. Think of what would happen when taking a jackhammer to chocolate cake.
So now you’re all wondering what I’ve uncovered. Why I bet most of you are now thinking that it couldn’t possibly be so bad as to tarnish the reputation of Earth’s foremost superhero. I don’t think any of you are going to change your opinion even once I’ve delivered the shocking news of what it is that I know.
Well you know what, I’m not going to tell you. Everyone out there can just sit and wonder what it is that Superman keeps from everyone so that we don’t think less of him.
So there.