Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 10/12/06

Two Writers go in... You decide who strikes out!

Catapults: Cats or No CATS?

I will say this once and once only: they are named catapults for a reason! I mean, since the dawn of time man has named things for what they are supposed to be used for. You fry things in a frying pan, and you shoot cats with a catapult. They didn't name it a rockapult for a reason, and even if they did, I doubt Keith Richards or Mick Jagger would like the idea of being hurled at high speeds through the air. Then again, I also doubt Richards would notice, but I digress.
The point is a catapult was obviously meant for launching cats. Some historians believe this to be an early attempt at achieving orbit with a living creature, much like the Russian dog Laika. Other claim this is hogwash, but they point is, kitties always land on their feet, cause bad luck, tear up the furniture and also make a terrible noise when flung through the air. All these things not only lead to terribly bad morale for the side that has to endure the rain of felines, by many considered to be the worlds most evil animal.
In fact, the only reason people started with rocks to begin with was that the cats frequently ran away. The bigger rocks came about as a replacement for tigers, since the race was nearing extinction even then.
As time went on, the catapult was sloped in favour for other weapons, capable of delivering more damage than that of a catapult. This change in warfare would never have occurred had cats been used instead of rocks. Just imagine the amount of damage Garfield would do while striking a castle wall. The subsequent slashing spree would further ruin not only soldiers, but also the armoury and cause starvation. It would be the ultimate siege weapon, short of a tactical nuke, which would be considered inhumane by most standards.
Cats have always been meant to be fired out of a catapult, much as they have been meant to chase mice. Did we find other ways? Sure, but are they as efficient? No, and this is why cats should be used as catapult ammo even in the future. You cannot beat a tradition based on solid scientific fact: flying kitties make superior ordnance.

Cats as catapult ammunition? I mean really! Do we have to use four-legged autocrats? It's simply distasteful to use cats. Why couldn’t we use dogs instead? Ok, so you want some reasons. Why should we use dogs instead of cats? Well let's compare the two.

First of all Cats are the purrfect. You feed them. Give them water. Make sure their litter box is clean. Give them something all their own, to sharpen their claws on. (Believe me. This saves a fortune in upholstery replacement.) Pet them occasionally. Only when They want it. And for as long as They want it. And you know what you have? You have a moderately self-sufficient houseguest.

Now take dogs. No really! Take them. Dogs are perfect, catapult ammunition for several reasons. One, even the smallest dog weighs slightly more than the average cat. Two, they are without a doubt, way too dependant. I mean come on. You have to feed them. Brush them. Take them for walks. Clean up after them. Train them. (And I'm not talking the neat little tricks you can teach 'em. I'm talking Basic no-no training.)

Are we seeing a trend? Dogs are a royal pain! That and they almost never exhibit the grace a cat does. Let's put it this way. Have you ever seen a dog fall from any height and land on all fours? I haven't. Heck! They can't even master linoleum.

Cats on the other paw… Can walk anywhere, in any conditions, with the ease of a tightrope walker. Plus, they always land on their feet. Why? Simple, cats have style. Dogs just have fleas. Cats are soft and fluffy. They make wonderful rumbling sounds deep in their throat when content. So long as you treat them as the king or queen of Sheba, all will be well in your home. Also, they aren't totally heartless like dogs tend to be. When you're upset, your cat will know. And he/she will come to comfort you. Sure, they're mostly independent. But at least you know a cat loves you.

Dogs… Now dogs on the other hand, are sometimes cute. Sometimes. Basically they're just slobbery, noisy, attention hogs. Their fun is coarse. They constantly drool. They poop in your shoe if they're unhappy. They chew up your favorite slippers. They drink out of the toilet and then want attention, faces still dripping wet.

So as you can see. Dogs make better catapult ammunition than a cat does. They're obnoxious, smelly, dirty, disasters waiting to happen. Cats are cute and fluffy, and very independent.