Past Opinion Articles
Article for the week of 9/13/06
Hell yes, nitro gas!
It has come to my attention that I am not allowed to use my car when
I do such everyday things like go to the grocery store to pick up food,
to the drive-thru to get my meals, or the drive-in to try and do anything
but watch the movie with female company. But I am not allowed to drive
my sweet car down the street, or take a road trip to see the worlds largest
grape, or the town where the peanut butter revolution started. Sure, those
nitro-boosters are generally disliked by police anywhere, but that is
not even the problem. The problem is, quite simply, my car. The very simple
make of my car.
..yes, you guessed correctly, I drive a golf cart. It is fuel efficient,
easy to park, and adorable. And it can carry my golf clubs. And hit speeds
of a few hundred miles per hour once I hit those nitros. In short, it
is the perfect car. I think we can all agree it is much better than a
SUV, which simply is incapable of most things, such as driving through
a mall without carrying the whole thing with it in a mad run from the
men in blue, although I could carry even more golf clubs in it.
It might be inferior to a Porsche, but it looks better (it is easier to
pimp out a golf cart with flames), and frankly, performance wise my golf
cart can still compete on short distances.
And yet I get pulled over (if they catch me, that is), claiming my vehicle
is a hazard to me, them, and roads everywhere. I simply cannot seem to
fathom the problem. I drive my car, I drive according to the rules, I
even sacrificed some weight guaranteed to get me going even faster than
my upgraded engine already allows to install a speaker with more bass
than your average high-end nightclub, which also corresponds to my hydraulics,
making me bounce more than a pogo stick on top of a sea of super balls.
By all means, this is a perfectly viable auto mobile to drive around in.
Windshields are overrated, after all, and seatbelts are for chickens (bit
I have a tiger striped one just because it looks so stylishly cool).
So wherein lies the problem? After all, Al Bundy's dodge was still allowed
on the road. I tell you, I have a mind to simply take this fantastic car
of mine, head down the interstate, and let them try to catch me. Nitro
gas, hell yes! Followed by a loud and audible “weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”and
the bouncing as I ride off into the night, choking on a crummy burger
I bought while boosting past a drive-thru at a McDonalds restaurant.