Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 8/29/06

Xphile’s Tapes XII: Castro’s Dead
By, Grey Xphile

This isn’t exactly news, I suppose, though with Fidel Castro, Grand Poobah of Cuba and California Governor Candidate in hospital recently attention has once again been drawn and wrapped around him like a familiar blanket.
Now a lot of this story is based on old data, in fact it goes back to a couple of tapes I dug up, metaphorically, one was acquired in more of a sifting fashion.
It all goes back to the first time the US Government tried to kill Fidel Castro, shortly before the Bay of Pigs Invasion was attempted. The following is a discussion between a “Mr P.” a “Mr VP” and a Miss Thelma Douglas, personal aide to Admiral Black, chief of the original Black Bag organization.
P: We got him, right? Shot him right in the head, right?
VP: I thought it was the neck, the neck was supposed to be the sweet spot.
P: Either way we got him, didn’t we?
Thelma: Uh, yeah, we got him. Bits of his brain and spine were littered all across a patio and three close friends. Even if he lived they should have only been able to make a salad out of him.
VP: And you women know salads.
Thelma: What does that have to do with anything?
P: The point it Fiddle’s alive! Find out why and bring me some slippers.
In between the euphemisms and a heavy grinding sound that is sure to be Miss Douglas’ teeth you can tell an assassination was attempted, though succeeded and then discovered to have failed. Here’s the big revelation, involving the same titles though different voices. It’s almost as if someone is elected to be Miss Thelma Douglas, something else I will have to investigate in the future.
P: So how many times have we killed him so far?
Thelma Douglas: Eight times, sir.
P: Good man, good man. And how many bodies were there in that freezer?
Thelma Douglas: Twelve.
VP: So there’s everyone we whacked plus a few extra.
Thelma Douglas: We think several were warning shots, so to speak.
P: Good man, good man. Now get me some jelly beans and some slippers.
Thelma Douglas: I’m not familiar with that code, sir.
VP: Oh, you will be, you will be.
So, as you can tell dead Castros all over the place, a freezer full in fact. What’s the answer? Cloning, of course.
Again it took some effort but I’ve discovered clandestine research that shows it’s possible, though beyond the capabilities of most countries.
However for decades now Fidel Castro has been killed and cloned in order to keep the same face on the Cuban currency.
The good news is that this technology is only available to the few still active communist nations, who don’t want to arouse suspicion with a constantly young leader, and so clone them at their present age. At this rate they’ll spend the next two decades decanting a Castro a day until someone gets sick of him and opts they try a new flavour.
Why is this good news? For the simple reason that the bad news is the technology can only be activated by invoking the name of a dark and nameless evil. This also hampers the process by making the patron demon hard to identify.
Thankfully democracies are too tied to God rather than demons, otherwise there would be an endless parade of Reagans, Bushs, Clintons . . . That last one could turn an entire state into a brothel while the first would eradicate the world’s vital supply of jelly beans in a week!
Doesn’t it make you glad we live in something that resembles a democracy?
More on that when I’m not being watched by the ducks so closely.