Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 7/25/06

Flag Burning Pros, Cons and Serving Suggestions
By, Grey Cooking

With an amendment slowly worming it’s way though the governmental guts of the Unites States of America attention must be drawn to the issue of flag burning, specifically the how, why and wherefore of the act.
Many consider the stars and stripes to be a sacred icon of the US and her people, and is therefore to be protected. They view the burning of a flag to be an act of desecration.
For others, mostly gourmets or those on special diets a well-prepared flag is an important nutritional element.
It has long been known that a boiled flag filled, coated, whole or dismembered is tough, chewy and tasteless. The flag eating competitions in Japan and Italy either use a French flag which disintegrates after a few hours in a pot or else are acknowledged as a form of torture.
Faced with this it is little wonder that a flag is either roast, fried, grilled or barbequed. In any case “applications of the flame” is essential.
Indeed, brandy soaked (or whiskey in the southern states) flag flambé is one of the few desserts edible irrelevant of allergies and nutritional issues such as diabetes.
Some areas of New Mexico celebrate Thanksgiving with a roast flag made with a sweet potato stuffing.
Unfortunately substitutions simply will not do in most culinary matters, flags are just too individualistic. While equally edible the Canadian and Mexican flags, the next most easily obtainable in the United States, are considered dessert flags due to the inherent sweetness in each.
Similarly Australian, Chinese and Russian flags are thought to be far too fatty for regular consumption. Many fine recipes exist for these national emblems certainly, it simply appears that little can compare to the well-rounded flag of the United States of America in terms of eating.
So what happens to flag connoisseurs if this amendment passes?
While it may be easy to obtain a flag for eating outside of US borders such a thing could be a tricky international consideration. The French generally prefer European flags, though the Chinese have developed a taste for a well bred, flame grilled flag.
Not everyone, on either side of the border, can easily forgo their tastes or switch to alternative substances, as the children’s peanut butter war recently demonstrated.
Additionally the risk of flags being smuggled in from other countries for illegal consumption must be considered. Though primarily associated with the drugs trade South America could soon prove to be the main source of contraband flags.
This also raises the prospect of counterfeit flags, already an issue after seven people were hospitalised after a flag barbeque in Seattle turned out to be a moderately toxic Portuguese flag in disguise.
As the amendment worms it’s way though the process fine flag connoisseurs are gorging themselves while the opportunity still exists. Flag sales have tripled with the trade in flags expected to be the first to go, followed by public burning then consumption.
McDonalds has already pulled its McPatriot off the menu in preparation for the worst.