Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 7/18/06

A College Proposal: The Lessons not Taught
By, Paul Mann (Editor and Pun Meister.)

As another summer passes, many high school students ponder their possible futures. They consider entering the work force, others might enter the military and another group thinks about college. The university setting can be the greatest adventure of them all. Yet, most incoming freshmen soon realize that they know a heck of a lot less than they were lead to believe. Take notes fish of higher learning, for you shall soon know the joys of financial debt (not the kind of debt you experience when you lose your allowance), how pathetic your previous instruction was and what you should avoid if you plan to make it later on.
For those of my fellow students that have spent a good 4 to 10 years in the university system, they might find that their personal mascot would be the hobo. Begging for loose change, leaping at the chance of a free meal and wearing clothes that would get one banned from Hollywood can attest to this truth. Why the hobo and not a rich and prosperous icon? Well, by the time you finish paying off the various loans and credit cards you piled up going through the education process, you’ll be living like a hobo in no time. Of course, this wouldn’t be the case if our wonderful government actually gave half a rat’s posterior about students.
That’s right Timmy (or fill in name here), unless your parents are multibillionaires you won’t be able to enjoy your life in the real world until your first social security check shows up. (If it even exists in a few years) Besides, Uncle Sam is too busy trying to deny people of healthcare and the freedom of speech to bother with free tuition. Just take a look at the generous rise in loan interest rates if you don’t believe me. So prepare to work a full time job or enter prostitution because a majority of you won’t see a penny’s worth of assistance. Or do what the poorest section of the population does and forget higher learning altogether.
Think you are prepared to tackle the rigorous hours of studying and college curriculum? All right, just don’t fool yourself into believing that your previous years in class have really prepared you. Seriously, these children’s books and jokes you call lessons you picked up in high school will seriously leave you knowing diddly squat if you didn’t do plenty of extra preparing time on your own. That’s because schools have to spend valuable time and funds attempting to not leave any child behind. Then again, it might be different if learning instead of test taking took place in the class room.
I’m not blaming the teachers at all here; I know a majority want their students to succeed in life. Unfortunately, our beloved education system would rather us take those beautiful standardized tests such as the SAT. Problem is, these tests are about as helpful as trying to run your car on a bottle of molasses. So I’d suggest that you pick up a few extra hours of knowledge on your own if you really want to stand a chance. Yet, you could just fool yourself and flunk out later.
Finally, if you plan to really succeed later on you need to practice a little more common sense before you can put on that cap and gown. Take it from me when I say you need to practice a little self control. I like to call this my “This sounds too much like old people talk, top five avoid list.
1.) Avoid Party Fraternities: Unless you plan to graduate with a degree in loss of brain cell chemistry, you want to pick a group that plans to actually have alumni.
2.) Don’t Miss Class: Don’t give me that but mom look, mister. In all common sense, why the hell miss something you paid out the arse for?
3.) Don’t repeatedly change your major: Try to figure out what you want to do so mom and dad don’t cut you off before your sophomore year.
4.) Don’t move away if you don’t have to: Unless you can eat on five dollars a week.
5.) Don’t think you have any free time: Because if you want to pass with a GPA higher than Forrest Gump’s I.Q. , you better just kiss it goodbye.
Hopefully all of you young whipper snappers have learned a few things today. Hopefully I didn’t scare you all off. In any case you might as well get used to the sad fact that is college, most likely it won’t be getting better soon. With financial debt and lack of college prep it’s not looking all that wonderful. Let’s just hope the future has something left.