Past Opinion Articles
Article for the week of 6/26/06
Bring on the nuclear winter!
Face it: global warming is melting ice-cream faster than I can eat it.
And that is a serious issue. Now, we could solve this by, say, cutting
down on all those pollutants we release into the air, but I say it is
our right to ruin this planet as much as we want! The heat, however, is
Imagine this, you step out in the sun, and suddenly your feet are in an
ever increasing puddle of sweat, melted meat and bone. Imagine reaching
for the ice cream shop door when the searing handle sets your hands aflame.
And imagine all those politicians sitting with their giant air-conditioners,
paid for by your money, eating ice-cream, and saying you will simply have
to deal with it.
I refuse to deal with it when the solution is so breathtakingly simple,
AND could help the world become a much less dangerous place. There is
an insane number of nuclear weapons out there, most of them ready to blow
up Russia, North Korea, and the entire part of the middle-east that does
not include oil. The rest are pointed at the source of the other ones,
or Pakistan. As you can see, this brings on the option to destroy the
world far too quickly and hurt everyone. See, nuclear weapons are bad.
And the maintenance costs are sky high! So what's the simple solution
to both the heat problem, the nuclear disarmament, and probably something
else like world hunger? Violence, what else!?
Nuke something unimportant, and watch the cold happily spread. Make a
popsicle just by putting some Kool-aid or something outside your doorstep
and place a stick in it. Sell hot cocoa year around., Drink hot cocoa
all year around. Have penguins walk on your doorstep. Watch your neighbour
rot from radioactivity. Snowboard or ice-skate to work. See, everybody
wins!What are we waiting for? I say bring on the nuclear winter now! We
can do it, we can live with chilly things year around! And if we want
to change it, we can just get more pollutants in the air. Do you know
how much more expensive your car is because it's supposed to save the
environment? Far too much, that's how much! I say screw the environment
and do what is comfortable now, nobody is going to remember we screwed
up later anyway! Now go out there and launch those nukes! And aim them
at that country of espionage gone wrong, Canada! Nobody will miss it anyway,
as nobody watches the NHL.