Past Opinion Articles
Article for the week of 5/7/06
Eating Live Young and Other
Beauty Tips From Celebrities
By, Grey Health
With the new age fad of using all natural products, organic dodackies,
and original handcrafted whatsits falling away the celebrity beauty circuit
is entering a swing phase, wherein something mildly freaky will takeover
until the expected rise of high technology, advanced medicine as seen
in botox injections, and some sort of therapy involving ground up crystals.
At the moment the swing phase appears to involve mild cannibalism and
ritual sacrificing of small employees.
Angelina Jolie has surprised everyone by opting for the latter even as
she snaps up small children from around the globe. Speculation that she
may be attempting the first human oriented cattle ranch might not be far
off it she is hacking up her gardeners under the new moon. The initial
start-up costs and the time required put full-scale production as starting
outside of the swing period, completely missing the window of opportunity.
Some have suggested that Jolie actually loves these children and is attempting
to raise them to the best of her ability however these people have too
great a connection to reality and not enough of a connection to Hollywood.
Speculation that Michael Jackson may be attempting to procreate for beauty
rather than nourishment is farfetched as evidence that he is a zombie
continues to mount.
Similarly the breeding and hiring habits of Jennifer Aniston, confirmed
not to be pregnant, are more likely to do with no one being able to put
up with her for very long rather than beauty or health. Which is something
of a pity considering her present condition.
On the other hand it appears that Oprah may have fallen off the dieting
wagon in order to binge on the latest beauty treatment. An entire truckload
of Vietnamese children were delivered to the star’s home over the weekend,
and odds are they’re not just for the semi-secret sweatshop operating
in the basement.
The sad thing is Oprah fairly glows these days with little effort.
J-Lo has taken her man-eater reputation to its logical conclusion, even
though it’s done nothing for her complexion. She seems to have followed
in Madonna’s footsteps and used personal trainers first as lovers then
as dinner. Considering Madonna presently has more of a reputation as a
workaholic fitness freak with a rivalry going on with Scientologists this
might not be the best path for the oldest Jen associated with Ben.
The spawn of TomKat need not fear, Scientologists stand firmly against
the eating of other scientologists and potential scientologists. Similarly
Scientologists pride themselves on good employee relations.
Rumours are that Denzel Washington may indulge in a fad for once. Hiring
at the Washington residence has risen, possibly indicating that he intends
to eat his gardeners.
This would be something of a first for the Oscar winner who has dismissed
botox, Wicca, hot tar and Asking God Nicely as vain and egotistical.
Some speculate that Denzel’s career may be due for a slowdown, getting
in on this fad may be a hedge against disaster.
Others believe that Denzel simply wants to be pretty.