Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 5/7/06

Eating Live Young and Other Beauty Tips From Celebrities
By, Grey Health

With the new age fad of using all natural products, organic dodackies, and original handcrafted whatsits falling away the celebrity beauty circuit is entering a swing phase, wherein something mildly freaky will takeover until the expected rise of high technology, advanced medicine as seen in botox injections, and some sort of therapy involving ground up crystals.
At the moment the swing phase appears to involve mild cannibalism and ritual sacrificing of small employees.
Angelina Jolie has surprised everyone by opting for the latter even as she snaps up small children from around the globe. Speculation that she may be attempting the first human oriented cattle ranch might not be far off it she is hacking up her gardeners under the new moon. The initial start-up costs and the time required put full-scale production as starting outside of the swing period, completely missing the window of opportunity.
Some have suggested that Jolie actually loves these children and is attempting to raise them to the best of her ability however these people have too great a connection to reality and not enough of a connection to Hollywood.
Speculation that Michael Jackson may be attempting to procreate for beauty rather than nourishment is farfetched as evidence that he is a zombie continues to mount.
Similarly the breeding and hiring habits of Jennifer Aniston, confirmed not to be pregnant, are more likely to do with no one being able to put up with her for very long rather than beauty or health. Which is something of a pity considering her present condition.
On the other hand it appears that Oprah may have fallen off the dieting wagon in order to binge on the latest beauty treatment. An entire truckload of Vietnamese children were delivered to the star’s home over the weekend, and odds are they’re not just for the semi-secret sweatshop operating in the basement.
The sad thing is Oprah fairly glows these days with little effort.
J-Lo has taken her man-eater reputation to its logical conclusion, even though it’s done nothing for her complexion. She seems to have followed in Madonna’s footsteps and used personal trainers first as lovers then as dinner. Considering Madonna presently has more of a reputation as a workaholic fitness freak with a rivalry going on with Scientologists this might not be the best path for the oldest Jen associated with Ben.
The spawn of TomKat need not fear, Scientologists stand firmly against the eating of other scientologists and potential scientologists. Similarly Scientologists pride themselves on good employee relations.
Rumours are that Denzel Washington may indulge in a fad for once. Hiring at the Washington residence has risen, possibly indicating that he intends to eat his gardeners.
This would be something of a first for the Oscar winner who has dismissed botox, Wicca, hot tar and Asking God Nicely as vain and egotistical.
Some speculate that Denzel’s career may be due for a slowdown, getting in on this fad may be a hedge against disaster.
Others believe that Denzel simply wants to be pretty.