Past Opinion Articles
Article for the week of 4/12/06
Scientologists Claim Inane Leaping As Their Own
By, Grey News
Where some would have just pretended that the whole thing had never happened
Scientologists have attempted to dignify Tom Cruise’s display by making
it their own.
The embarrassing display on Oprah where Tom Cruise declared utter love
and devotion to a woman who will be forced to give birth without painkillers
managed to lower the respect the general public possessed for the Church
While sceptics claim that this indicated respect by the general public
for the Church of Scientology studies show that many people were seriously
considering converting if they ever became rich and famous entertainers.
This latest gambit may backfire, with comedians everywhere mocking Cruise’s
performance the Church clearly felt that it needed to bolster the image
of its central celebrity icon.
Early testing shows that the new Mission Impossible movie may not be enough,
Cruise has always been seen as too much of a pretty boy to convincingly
carry an action film, and the Oprah incident pushed his image even closer
to the effeminate barrier, the point at which no male actor will be taken
seriously in a masculine role.
Given that computer simulations show Tom Cruise making an unattractive
woman, an even less attractive transvestite and no capability to play
in a comedy this would be a serious blow to his career and Scientologist
The next most respected celebrity the Scientologists possess is Isaac
Hayes, who has always bought a certain dignity and pride to the Church.
However this translates into a certain unspoken power and Hayes has never
liked being waved about like a silly little marionette to gain attention.
Tom Cruise also has power, however, as he proved, waving about like a
silly little marionette is what he does best.
Therefore the Scientologist reaction has been to make the standard declaration
of affection to be jumping up on furniture and waving your arms around.
The degree of affection will be displayed in which furniture and how loudly
one chooses to talk at the time.
Obviously greater vocal volume means greater affection, though the exact
degree will be determined by the furniture.
Given that Tom Cruise has set the high watermark as couches and coffee
tables the final disposition of the furniture will be difficult to remember.
For the moment beds indicated “We’re really good friends”, chairs of most
designs mean something akin to “Let’s go steady”, rocking chairs, chairs
used for medical purposes and anything home made means “I just want to
get into your pants”, desks are “I think this means something”, dining
tables are “Let’s get serious” and large tables not necessarily used for
eating are “I still love you”.
This list is by no means definitive, rumours abound that Cruise wants
to do a piece on Doctor Phil where he climbs to that never-ending bald
spot and really let loose with his emotions.
Should this occur the list will be resized, final release date is set
for September 2006.