Past Opinion Articles
Article for the week of 3/14/06
Xphileís Tapes: Secrets Revealed
IX.... aka Why Disney Backs Starbucks
By, Grey Xphile
Recently some of my work caught the attention of a fellow Grey and was,
surprise, surprise, taken seriously. I must admit that it was refreshing
for someone to actually believe me when I kept saying that I was telling
the truth. In fact I would go as far as saying it was a novelty, which
really is saying something about the general intelligence level of people
Sorry if that sounds just a tad bitter.
And donít worry, this isnít going to change me.
Right now Iíve got dirt on one of the most insidious organisations on
Earth and Mars, the Disney Corporations.
I know that youíre going to be familiar with the mundane stuff, lawsuits,
copyright issues back and forth, buyouts, backroom shenanigans, all the
stuff that has made that big eared mouse one of the most feared sights
in the world.
Well, when itís on the side of a heavily armed helicopter and not in an
appropriate theme park that is.
What Iím talking about was probably best summed up by the source I found
ďIt started when Disney acquired that cruise line. In the beginning it
was the obvious stuff, cheap clothes, people, cocaine, nothing too insidious.
Except for some of the people, thatís how Shakira got into the country.
ďThat sort of thing was rich pickings, really got money rolling in at
a time when EuroDisney was a great big hole in the ground that they were
trying to fill with money.
ďIt wasnít enough. Before long they started shipping the hard stuff.Ē
As usual this source took great risks to bring us this information. It
also means that I cannot give you much more of his testimony.
The basics are that Disney is smuggling in coffee. Why? I donít know.
Who for? Starbucks, obviously.
No one has noticed that the boards and shares of both Disney and Starbucks
have become so intermingled that they may as well be married.
The best theory I can come up with is that Disney wants Starbucks to be
so successful that they can offer cheap, cheap coffee that is still of
high enough quality to knock over any competition.
This leads into the recent development of Starbucks Minis. While this
smaller than average coffees are supposedly marketed as being for those
looking for a quick dose of caffeine, however the servings are perfectly
sized and dosed for children.
Iím not sure what Disney wants with a bunch of hyperactive children. Possibly
to have them gong through the rides and two or three times the normal
rate and thus causing exhausted parents to pay more leading to an increase
Wow, thatís insidious. I mean, of course this is exactly whatís going
to happen. There, Iíve said it, now you know.