Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 3/5/06

Burger King’s Mascot may prove useful after all

By, Paul Mann (editor and weirdo)

Imagine yourself in bed; it’s been a long day at the grind stone. You fall asleep, assuming all is safe during your trip to slumber land. Suddenly, a smell of bacon and eggs on a lightly toasted bun, mixed with the sound of heavy breathing interrupts your dream. Startled, your eyes spring open and a bearded man wearing a cheap plastic crown smiles at you from across your pillow. You have just woken up with the king.
I know I’m not the only person creeped out by Burger King’s evil mascot. That royal king of darkness belongs in a Stephen King novel, not a fast food commercial. Yet, I’ve noticed one thing about society and it seems to be that people can change the error of their ways a lot faster if they are scared witless. Take Hurricane Katrina for example; people down in the gulf area felt pretty confident about living in an area prone to major flooding until the city of New Orleans suffered a huge blow. A terrible event indeed, yet The King’s creepy nature may be useful in a similar fashion, a fear inducing tool of motivation.
One of the most controversial problems in America, comes from the issue of sexual abstinence. Yes, I said the S word and it seems to be the bane of mostly unmarried individuals from San Francisco to Somalia. We simply can’t keep our pants on and it’d be so much easier to get jiggy all natural or buy a box of condoms. So, how can a world with its shorts around its knees hope to tide the primal urge? Say hello to The King’s guide to sexual education.
Imagine the variety of facial expressions created due to a text book or pamphlet explaining the possible diseases of unsafe sex on a model of the Burger King mascot. Teens bursting with hormones would put those tighty whiteys back on faster than the cancellation of a fox television show. If that doesn’t sway the horny whipper snappers, perhaps the horror of one day working for The King would change a few minds. If this kind of visual aid didn’t drive up priest and nun numbers, it would certainly curb a few fornicators. I’m already feeling less inclined.
Furthermore, The King could actually help people become more acceptant of losing weight. Forget subway, Jarrod’s too soft and spends too much time promoting eating and not enough exercise. Since Richard Simmons seems to be not as public as he used to be, the world needs a new creepy workout instructor. When I started seeing the Burger King’s twisted mascot, I lost most of my desire to eat greasy fast foods. That’s a start right there.
Besides, the whole diet craze could use The King as well. Place The King’s image on health food products and the speed of weight loss would sky rocket. The longer you take to shed pounds, the longer you have to look at that disturbing face. Yet, putting such a face on fast food could work similar wonders.
Finally, The King could become the new spokesman for kids regarding the never ending war on crime. What better way to prevent the overcrowding of jail cells then to put the most disturbing face in marketing in a no tolerance TV commercial. I’d be motivated as a child if someone had told me my cell mate would look anything like that scary burger flipper. In fact, the commercials could take a few actual inmates and have them wear masks with The King’s face on it. Tiny and Tinkerbelle would gain new cell mate fear factor. Heck, this may create the Scruff McGruff of the new millennium.
Why else wouldn’t the youth of every nation swear to be good knowing what consequences waited on the bunk above them? That kind of face in the shower, dining hall and outdoor exercise area would be truly detrimental. Horror flicks can’t inspire this kind of fear. Criminals might as well forget trying to fall asleep at night. It really adds a certain atmosphere to the phrase “wake up with the king.”
I really think I’m on to something here. At first, I tried to block out any image of The King. Now there should finally be a purpose. By Jove, any sort of fear based motivation could truly benefit. Perhaps Burger King’s mascot may prove useful after all.

This article was also featured in volume 32: Issue 21 of The Chase at Eastern New Mexico University.