Past Opinion Articles
Article for the week of 1/22/06
Year Begins with Mundane Destruction of Prophets
By, Grey Events
As always the end of the year was marked with prophesies of the end of
the world. Though hardly in number, force or support of the millennial
announcements of doom these ramblings still maintained enough of a following
for a number of people to be very disappointed with continued existence.
As has happened before the apparent continuation of life as we know it
has left so many red faced believers of various doomsayers are taking
out their hurt and humiliation on the supposed messengers.
These theoretically prescient individuals, long proponents of a three
strike program of punishment when they err slightly, typically fail twice,
once in the prediction of the end and again when they are brutally murdered,
having taken no precautions against this event. The latter is especially
surprising, hence it is the second error, they really should have seen
this sort of thing coming.
While the most colourful prediction was one where grass would turn purple,
the sky would yellow and the earth would open up and spew forth scalding
purple ooze to eradicate anything not located in the prophetís own temple.
This poor fellow, upon the failure of any of the technicolour alterations,
was grabbed by his former supporters and ironically was dumped into a
vat of boiling grape jelly.
Donít ask where that came from.
Another, admittedly less thrilling prediction was that delivered from
the heart of Rome no less. Several Italian scholars pointed to Nostrodamusí
theories and claimed that time was up, the Catholic Church would be useless
and that now was the time to spend everything.
That they had just opened their own online and televised shopping company
should have been a warning to most, however when the world did not end
they quickly found themselves fleeing in their own shoddy products.
It is unfortunate that the Italianís amphibious car industry will undoubtly
be hurt by the sight of felling con artists using a badly constructed
vehicle to escape a vengeful mob.
That the combined car and boat started to fly cannot possibly make matters
Nor was the Western world the only area plagued with these occurrences.
Even sophisticated Singapore residents were taken in by a woman stating
that the entire island would fall into the ocean at 1am on New Years Day,
a mere hour into 2006.
Coincidentally she knew someone with a reliable boat dealership.
While this woman managed to escape with the ill-gotten funds from a dozen
wealthy families the boats at least were reliable, and several will be
converted into luxury yachts.
Faring less well was a suicide pact by a group in Vancouver Canada. Convinced
by their leader that any souls remaining alive by the New Year would suffer
torment at the hands of devils and a resurgent Dixie Chix the two hundred
cultists isolated themselves in a warehouse and attempted mass suicide
using Pepsi mixed with Coco Cola, preferring that dire fate to what they
believed would happen.
Police found more than five hundred people in the warehouse later. Where
the extras came from no one knows, but no one died and so this is going
into the record books as the single worst mass suicide attempt ever while
the cult leader undergoes therapy.