Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 12/5/05

The toys of raw evil!

By, Cozmic

You've all seen them, looking oh so cuddly and cute. Maybe you've even owned one, or fifty-eight. Fifty-eight of what, you ask? It's quite simple. Pieces of fabric stuffed with the very stuff of Satan himself! That's right, stuffed animals! In particular, Beanie babies! How many lives must be destroyed by these things in their mad mission to rule the world, the galaxy, then the universe and then some other dimensions too? You know, for good measure. I'm telling you right now, those things are pure evil. My big sister and I got in a fight over one this one time and I wound up throwing it at her. And that's not the scary part. The scary part is I hit her in the eye with it! And then she beat the snot out of me! What sort of cute, cuddly toy would 'cause such violence, I ask!? They're evil! Naturally, I realized this and burned the store down. And what happens? I go to jail! For over a year! For all my righteous acts! Once again, the beanie baby screwed me over. There can be no doubt that our very society is in the clutches of something so foul, so evil, and so cute.

Now don't think other stuffed animals are better. They are almost as bad, but lack the ability to cooperate like the beanie babies do, and therefore are not considered as dangerous. Let's look at two of the world’s most famous stuffed animals. First up we have Hobbes, Calvin's best friend. Yes, the best friend of a poor mentally disturbed 6-year old boy is a stuffed tiger. Calvin constantly gets into fights, and who's to blame? Hobbes! It is Hobbes decision to make Calvin go down a hill way too fast and crash, it is Hobbes fault that Calvin wants to set his mattress on fire in order to better get cookies, and it is Hobbes who can't solve Calvin's mathematical problems, thereby destroying his grades! It all comes down to the corruptive influence of the stuffed tiger Hobbes, who fuels Calvin’s imagination into doing all sorts of stupid things! Is this what it will all come down to? Would Calvin have been a normal boy if his favourite toy was something more morally healthy, like, say, a plastic ray gun? Most likely! When will parents learn to take their responsibility?
Second of all, that stupid old bear. That's right, Winnie the Pooh! Once again, we have a stuffed animal fuelling a young boy’s twisted view of reality, making him an unproductive and independent member of our society! For shame! And this we read to our children, thinking it's good for them! What a bunch of suckers we are! Pooh deserves to be burned in a giant bonfire, along with the Beanie Babies, the Calvin and Hobbes albums, and George Clooney! Why George Clooney? Just because!