Past Opinion Articles
Article for the week of 12/5/05
The toys of raw evil!
You've all seen them, looking oh so cuddly and cute. Maybe you've even owned one, or fifty-eight. Fifty-eight of what, you ask? It's quite simple. Pieces of fabric stuffed with the very stuff of Satan himself! That's right, stuffed animals! In particular, Beanie babies! How many lives must be destroyed by these things in their mad mission to rule the world, the galaxy, then the universe and then some other dimensions too? You know, for good measure. I'm telling you right now, those things are pure evil. My big sister and I got in a fight over one this one time and I wound up throwing it at her. And that's not the scary part. The scary part is I hit her in the eye with it! And then she beat the snot out of me! What sort of cute, cuddly toy would 'cause such violence, I ask!? They're evil! Naturally, I realized this and burned the store down. And what happens? I go to jail! For over a year! For all my righteous acts! Once again, the beanie baby screwed me over. There can be no doubt that our very society is in the clutches of something so foul, so evil, and so cute.
Now don't think other stuffed animals are better. They are almost as
bad, but lack the ability to cooperate like the beanie babies do, and
therefore are not considered as dangerous. Let's look at two of the world’s
most famous stuffed animals. First up we have Hobbes, Calvin's best friend.
Yes, the best friend of a poor mentally disturbed 6-year old boy is a
stuffed tiger. Calvin constantly gets into fights, and who's to blame?
Hobbes! It is Hobbes decision to make Calvin go down a hill way too fast
and crash, it is Hobbes fault that Calvin wants to set his mattress on
fire in order to better get cookies, and it is Hobbes who can't solve
Calvin's mathematical problems, thereby destroying his grades! It all
comes down to the corruptive influence of the stuffed tiger Hobbes, who
fuels Calvin’s imagination into doing all sorts of stupid things! Is this
what it will all come down to? Would Calvin have been a normal boy if
his favourite toy was something more morally healthy, like, say, a plastic
ray gun? Most likely! When will parents learn to take their responsibility?
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