Past Opinion Articles
Article for the week of 11/6/05
Xphileís Tapes: Secrets Revealed VII
By, Grey Xphile
There are secret plans to use mythological figures and creatures to fight
wars and suppress freedoms around the globe!
There, I said it. I know this isnít my normal format and that was one
hell of a long sentence to get out all at once considering itís importance
but I sucked it up, this had to be done, the news, the truth, was just
This piece of dire information came to me in the normal manner, so you
know you can trust it.
This one started with asking a spotty supermarket clerk about pineapples,
led to a city bureaucrat with scalp issues, took me to see a naval officer
about oranges, bought me back to the spotty clerk and then to a bar for
a very nice lunch.
Donít ask the names of any of these people, and no it isnít just because
I keep forgetting names, though I have to say that it is a very useful
attribute to have in my line of business, for unless we win I will eventually
be caught and these helpful agents of humanity can take comfort in a minor
personal quirk that will undoubtedly save their lives by erasing their
exact identities from my mind.
No it isnít absent-mindedness!
Weíve got a problem though, most people donít believe that these creatures
exist. The mythological ones that is.
If everyone knew that griffins existed it wouldnít be a problem, there
would be sightings, signs that someone had just been hoisted into the
air by one of these things. Instead we have mysterious disappearances
with large eagle feathers and inexplicable lion hair.
With a medusa about everyone would walk backwards seeing where they were
going by use of head mounted mirrors. What do we have? We have better
than life sculptures of every day people in parks all over the world.
No I donít know where these things came from or just how many of what,
who and where. I canít do anything.
I have no evidence of unicorns, sea serpents and to be honest anything
like a giant would be too difficult to conceal and the resulting devastation
would be hard to explain, though itís not impossible.
So far I have griffins, one medusa at least, three pegususes, assorted
hounds from Barghest to Cerberus, fairies of some description and possibly
The latter is not so bad as most wizards, witches and warlocks are ethical
beings. Some tend to have ethics wildly different from what we would consider
acceptable however that is hardly the point.
No this is not a normal piece by me, I donít have any tapes, not any more.
I had recordings, scraps of which contained the following:
ď. . . biggest ham Iíve seen since Dennis Rodmanís last onscreen performance
. . . ď
ďAnd then she turned him to stone, protective goggles and all. Iíll never
complain about the mirrors in a womanís makeup case again!Ē
ď. . . see the end of the serpent. Had two huge wings though, looked golden
. . .Ē
ď . . . pie . . .Ē
So you see there is evidence. Adding to that is the fact that my taps
were not melted, just partially erased. And I didnít walk anywhere near
anything magnetic this time.
So are we doomed?
Yes, probably for other reasons though. This time we have a defense in
the very myths and legends these creatures came from, they have been beaten
once, and if we all prepare, as this work should kick-start something,
then we shall prevail!
beyond the distinct possibility that Tom Cruise does in fact suffer
from this much self-love.