Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 11/6/05

Xphile’s Tapes: Secrets Revealed VII
By, Grey Xphile

There are secret plans to use mythological figures and creatures to fight wars and suppress freedoms around the globe!
There, I said it. I know this isn’t my normal format and that was one hell of a long sentence to get out all at once considering it’s importance but I sucked it up, this had to be done, the news, the truth, was just that important.
This piece of dire information came to me in the normal manner, so you know you can trust it.
This one started with asking a spotty supermarket clerk about pineapples, led to a city bureaucrat with scalp issues, took me to see a naval officer about oranges, bought me back to the spotty clerk and then to a bar for a very nice lunch.
Don’t ask the names of any of these people, and no it isn’t just because I keep forgetting names, though I have to say that it is a very useful attribute to have in my line of business, for unless we win I will eventually be caught and these helpful agents of humanity can take comfort in a minor personal quirk that will undoubtedly save their lives by erasing their exact identities from my mind.
No it isn’t absent-mindedness!
We’ve got a problem though, most people don’t believe that these creatures exist. The mythological ones that is.
If everyone knew that griffins existed it wouldn’t be a problem, there would be sightings, signs that someone had just been hoisted into the air by one of these things. Instead we have mysterious disappearances with large eagle feathers and inexplicable lion hair.
With a medusa about everyone would walk backwards seeing where they were going by use of head mounted mirrors. What do we have? We have better than life sculptures of every day people in parks all over the world.
No I don’t know where these things came from or just how many of what, who and where. I can’t do anything.
I have no evidence of unicorns, sea serpents and to be honest anything like a giant would be too difficult to conceal and the resulting devastation would be hard to explain, though it’s not impossible.
So far I have griffins, one medusa at least, three pegususes, assorted hounds from Barghest to Cerberus, fairies of some description and possibly even magicians.
The latter is not so bad as most wizards, witches and warlocks are ethical beings. Some tend to have ethics wildly different from what we would consider acceptable however that is hardly the point.
No this is not a normal piece by me, I don’t have any tapes, not any more. I had recordings, scraps of which contained the following:
“. . . biggest ham I’ve seen since Dennis Rodman’s last onscreen performance . . . “
“And then she turned him to stone, protective goggles and all. I’ll never complain about the mirrors in a woman’s makeup case again!”
“. . . see the end of the serpent. Had two huge wings though, looked golden . . .”
“ . . . pie . . .”
So you see there is evidence. Adding to that is the fact that my taps were not melted, just partially erased. And I didn’t walk anywhere near anything magnetic this time.
So are we doomed?
Yes, probably for other reasons though. This time we have a defense in the very myths and legends these creatures came from, they have been beaten once, and if we all prepare, as this work should kick-start something, then we shall prevail!

beyond the distinct possibility that Tom Cruise does in fact suffer from this much self-love.