Past Opinion Articles
Article for the week of 10/30/05
Secret Family Members of Celebrities
By, Grey Entertainment
With rumors of Janet Jackson’s secret teenage daughter once more flying
around everyone with an investigative streak and the dream of striking
it rich is probing every celebrity family tree they can find with even
the hint of an extra branch.
Some of the methodology has been dubious, though the more credible reports
outlined here have used largely respectable means, such as spying, trash
trawling and psychics.
First of all the persistent rumors regarding the Olsen Twins - That they
are actually triplets where the good and neutral sisters have imprisoned
the evil one – is probably false. Evidence exists to prove that there
never was a neutral triplet in the first place. Or maybe no good triplet.
Either way the triplet part is considered solid, though the waters are
considerably muddied. No one knows whether the Olsen Twins are an alliance
of good and evil, evil and evil, or blasé and temperamental, as
the gossip magazines have long tried to claim.
Personally my money is on evil and slightly less evil as that would explain
the behavior we are seeing.
Not all rumors of additional family members are this interesting though.
Anything that turns up more of Mick Jagger’s spawn, a baby with Jack Nicholson’s
hairline or yet another Nicole Kidman cousin isn’t even blip on the radar,
even if they’ve committed murder by pineapple.
However the hunt for Sean “P-Donut” Coombes identical albino twin cousin,
“Po-Whitey” has intensified, with one investigator claiming to have followed
a money trail all the way to Sweden. This effectively ends rumors that
Eminem was the cousin, though increases rumors linking Coombes to European
royalty, even if it isn’t the headlining brand of European royalty.
Similarly new evidence has surfaced in the search for Tom Cruise’s twin,
who supposedly died as a result of serving as Tom’s stunt double one too
While the trail of the grave petered out in the Nevada desert years ago
several investigators are trying to pressure the truth out of Tom by uncovering
the circumstances behind the death.
Thus far the long popularized line that Tom’s twin Tim died on the set
of “Rain Man” during the cut “Hindenburg” scene in a horribly, fiery,
shark related accident has held strong.
The only challenges remaining are tales that Tim was found face down in
a goldfish bowl of vodka, that he melted after tomato soup was thrown
on him as he was allergic, and that he was found in the back of a Chevy
convertible with a bowling pin in his back.
Stories that Tim had minor plastic surgery and now goes by the name Katie
Holmes has not strengthened in the least beyond the distinct possibility
that Tom Cruise does in fact suffer from this much self-love.