Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 9/28/05

Xphiles Tapes: Secrets Revealed VI
By, Grey Xphile

Now I’ve discovered some sick and twisted stuff in my time, and while I still contend that the sickest crap I’ve encountered was all about that thing with the Chinese checkers and the spare ribs, however this has to rate a close second.
Okay, fourth if you count the truth about crop circles in Alabama and the ninth spice in KFC.
I don’t count those, but if you do then it’s fourth.
As it is I think it’s second.
Anyway, this time I’ve got a reliable anonymous source. I know it’s reliable because I got him to break down and give me a stunning revelation. That always means I’ve found the truth.
Anyway, here goes:
Grey Xphile: Right, so you’ve got some information on computer games?
Source: Yes, though not all computer games – Faster!
GX: Right, which games in particular? Is it a certain manufacturer or a series of games?
S: No, it’s – Come on, come on, come on, don’t do this to me, don’t do this to me don’t do this to me!
GX: Uh, just to clarify things, you’re not just talking to me, are you?
S: No, I’m trying to keep track of some horses. Now, where were we?
GX: Talking about the games that you’ve been working on.
S: Yeah. Those. Sinister, really sinister.
GX: In what way? Are they a part of a plot to increase the violence level of youngsters so as to better indoctrinate them into the military complex? A form of addiction to brainwash people into being docile and accepting of whatever leaders say or do?
S: Yeah, sure, why not. Come on, you beautiful nag!
GX: You don’t sound entirely convicted.
S: Look, you said money for information and I’ve just given you information, so I want money.
GX: You really haven’t given me any information.
S: Fine. How about this, we’re doing it all by manufacturing games specifically aimed at children and teenagers. No surprise there, but we’re marketing slightly different games at adults. We’re trying to design them to target specific skill sets, with the games for older players specifically intended to further cultivate the skills learned in youth.
GX: How is this at all effective on older players?
S: It isn’t, but occasionally there are a gifted few. No, no, pick up the pace, pick it up!
GX: You still haven’t really told me anything solid. I mean, you could at least hint at what this is all about.
S: I did. Money. Now.
GX: You haven’t –
S: Money.
GX: Right, that’s it, give me that radio!
<Sounds of struggle>
S: No, give it back!
GX: Then tell me what the games are really up to!
S: But, but-
GX: It’s a long way to the nearest horse race.
S: Fine. Origami, it’s all about origami.
GX: Origami? The folding of paper into shapes of animals and flowers?
S: Yes.
GX: Why? The communists, that’s why. So now we’ve got games that specifically encourage the development of hand muscles. Most first person shooter games will teach ten to forty moves that become almost instinctual for one of up to twelve different birds. Racing games concentrate on large mammals, role-playing games on fish, golf and other sports games flowers. There’s nothing you can do to stop it, man! It’s gone too far!
That’s where that ends. So now we have the truth, not that it’s overly exciting.
Of course the point here is that I’ve found the truth, and that is what matters. Everyone else can concentrate on what they think is interesting, but this all adds up and will help in leading to the ultimate secret to everything!
Until then I’ll be filing stories about origami conspiracies.